Horsefly Horton

Bike basket Tutorial! (no sew)

2011-10-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

Ok all this is my very first tutorial ever....so let me know how I do:-) I was poking around on pinterest and found an adorable idea for a homemade bike basket....but I didn't have all the materials it called for and I thought to myself.....an ice cream bucket!!! Or half to be more precise. So I found an old ice cream pail and cut it in half the best I could and made a basket for my second eldest's bike.

So you start with some remnants of fabric (I use left over fabric from other projects), half an ice cream pail, ribbon, a hot glue gun and embellishments ie. buttons, rick rack...that kind of thing.

* Remember to use double thickness for your fabric or you will just end up having to cut another piece the same size.

Place your half on a piece of fabric (doubled) and trim around the rounded bottom. Trim straight up the sides allowing room at the top to turn down for a hem. You should have two pieces of fabric that look like a square with a half circle fused to it.

Next cut two strips of fabric that are as tall as the bucket and as long as the edges. (Again make sure you have two of these strips.)

Now glue the fabric to the front of the basket leaving ends to overlap on the inside sides. Glue all along the top edge and along the bottom.

Glue the overlapping edges on the insides of the basket.

Glue the rounded edge to the bottom of the basket. Trim close to the glue line after the bottom is securely attached.

Glue the interior fabric to the interior of the basket. Tuck the fabric over to make two pleats to fit.

Glue the interior bottom piece onto the inside of the bottom. Glue the interior and exterior fabric together to make a glued hem at the top. Make sure the hem matches the top edges of the back side of your basket. Attach edges of back of basket to sides with glue.

Glue ribbon along the top edge; it won't fit perfectly and with ruffle a little as you glue (I personally like the way that looks:-)

Glue another length of ribbon along the sides (and I did the bottom too just because I liked how it looked) to cover the raw edge of your fabric.

Cut two lengths of ribbon; these will be your connectors to the bike. Make sure that they are long enough to tie either a regular knot onto the front bar of the handlebars or if you like you can make them long enough to tie a bow (I just did a knot I thought it was cuter). Fold each ribbon in half and glue on the inside of the fold, pinch it in half (as shown above) and glue on the interior of that fold as well.

Now connect the ribbon at the corner of the back in the crease with a large amount of glue; remember this is your connector so you want it good and sturdy.

Now all that's left is embellishing it! Be creative, use anything you have around that you might think will dress it up a little. I love rick rack, buttons, tulle, fake flowers....really anything that is girly cause you know a little girl is going to want the most frilly basket imaginable. I'm sure I'll do a boyish version when my son gets older. So that's it....let me know if you enjoyed the tutorial or if you have any questions.

And here is my little sweetie with her new bike basket (and her adorable pink cast, she's so tough)

Life with three!!

2011-09-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

I could not imagine life without my sweet little baby boy!! He is the sweetest child alive and is the easiest baby I've ever seen.....but I feel like I am not equipped to deal with life with three children. I wanted to go away this weekend. Nowhere special just to a local hotel and get some distance from my beautiful three children.

The problem is who do we leave these sweet kiddos with? I mean really...my family is sooooo busy that even though we found a time that worked for one of them they need at least two adult sets of arms to deal with all three of my kids. It's not their fault, I have three kids. How ridiculous am I to expect anyone to take three kids so that my husband and I get a night kids free. Anyone up for the task of having three children around already has three or more children themselves. And anyone who has three children does not want an extra three around (for those who are slow on math that would make six total).

I just didn't see this day coming, we just have too many children to leave them anywhere anymore. It snuck up on me.

The irony is those who have three young children are the ones who need to get away. We may not be the people who are in a position to take a night off work but we are certainly the ones who need to. My dear sweet parents let me know that after 32 yrs of marriage they are taking their first (tropical) vacation (may I point out that they have taken a number of getaways many different places all over the US) but have never been to a "beachish" type vacation and they feel unapologetic about taking that vacation. Yes they deserve it, but they can get away from their children whenever they like; we are all grown. Those of us with little children have to move heaven and earth just to get out of the house for an hour.

When I am a grown up and have the luxury of going anywhere I please, whenever I feel like it I am going to choose to help those who really need a break. I will use my vacation to watch my grandchildren so my children who can't afford to pay a sitter for the evening can actually go someplace where they won't have baby food in their hair and they can sleep in and actually take a shower the next morning.

I know that sounds harsh, but I am bitter. I want help, whether from a parent or sibling....I don't really care. But logically I know that as a grown-up person who chose to have children I don't have the luxury of asking another person to take on my responsibilities even for an evening. I will just have to save my pennies till I can afford to pay someone to watch my children or not go at all.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I will make sure my children have breaks. I am going to scrimp and save and live on nothing if I have to so that I can be a grandmother who is always there. When my daughters are crying because they love their children but can't stand them another minute....I will be there with a box of crayons and a bottle. I will shoe them out the door and let them enjoy if only for an evening, being young attractive and in love with their spouse. Because my youth, and looks will fade soon....and when they finally do, then and only then will I have time to enjoy just being with my husband.

Rain, rain go away!

2011-07-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

My husband clearly remembers an experience when we were living in Florida that he related to me the other night. He remembers being at Animal Kingdom and there being a sudden incredibly wet rainstorm and us ducking into an artificial cave and sitting watching this seemingly jungle around us get drenched by the downpour. We only had our oldest child at the time and she was very little probably 18months old or something.

We waited in that little cave and watched the rain, we had all the time in the world so we weren't stressed or in any hurry to get anywhere and watched as probably hundreds of people ran out of the park to get out of the rain. Eventually after at least twenty or thirty minutes the rain stopped.

We ventured out of the cave and walked around the park, it was almost quiet. Many people had went back to their hotels or homes and the park was as desolate as I had ever seen it. We went on the safari ride and not only did we not have to wait at all for it but all the animals were out and enjoying the cool feeling left behind by the rain.

We saw rainbows and the whole experience was so pleasant that it is no wonder why my husband thinks back on that day as his favorite memory of our Florida Disney experiences.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in that cave, waiting for the rain to stop, sure that it will and that if I can only outwait it then it will be so much better than before. But the rain keeps coming and unlike our Disney experience I am in a hurry and feel like I want to run out of the park instead of waiting patiently for it to end.

Today two of my siblings are in the hospital. For two very different reasons but I am devastated. I'm tired of thinking about it and then I feel guilty for being tired of thinking about it. I wish it would stop raining.

I'm 27 years old, yesterday. I haven't been alive that long. No matter how old I may feel or how mature I fancy myself I'm just a baby in the game of life. When I think that it will only get harder and more complex I just want to run.....or hide.

"If only life was easier" is the phrase I keep hearing myself say over and over again in my mind and even to others. I don't want to struggle all the time and I really would like a moment of peace and security. I hear my voice sounding the tiny violins and yet ...I don't care if I sound like a whiner or a wimp...because the truth is that I am.

Do you know the saying that all clouds have silver linings; it is one of those sayings that really doesn't always make sense. It's great to spout at others when they are struggling but in some of lifes bizzaar circumstances it just doesn't apply.

I am grateful, incredibly so even, for all of the friends and angels that are around me and buoy me up, Gratitude for my health and husband and children overwhelms me at times and brings me to tears. I focus on it as much as I can.

But today is a grey day and I cannot shake the tired, achy feeling of sorrow over things which I have no control.

Memories on Memorial day:-(

2011-06-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

I was fairly young the first time I experienced a death in my family. We lived close to a number of relatives on my mother's side. I was about eight or so when a chaotic day ended with the news that my little sister was born and my Aunt Janet died. It was all a very unusual experience. At the time I although I saw my aunt weekly (sometimes more) and I really didn't know her well. I remembered one time when she picked me up from school because I was sick and for some reason my parents were busy. She brought me over to her house and I did a puzzle. It is a lovely memory and it became the symbol to me of that woman who was connected to me but I didn't feel connected to.

A year or two later my grandfather died. This was a stranger experience for my young mind. Grandpa was old, not like my aunt when she died. It seemed a more normal experience and yet my mother took it very hard, I was a little confused.  Aren't you supposed to die when you got old. What I didn't know at the time that somebody isn't supposed to die in their sixties.

A year or two later my father's mother died. My father's family is quite different than my mothers and they express emotion in a more noticeable way. They were so visibly upset that many got sick. They were almost overly emotional but their emotional ties to their mother and grandmother were heightened because they had already experienced loss. My father's father died when he was ten years old. The death of my grandmother was taking away the only parent many of my fathers siblings ever knew.  This funeral was the first one I cried at, I was about twelve and old enough to really understand what death was.

Memorial day is an interesting American holiday. It is like Remembrance day in Canada, but the emphasis over the last while seems to be more on remembering loved ones who've died as opposed to those who died defending our freedom. In Canada we didn't get as sad on Remembrance day because we didn't know any relatives who'd died in a war. Here my new in-laws decorate many generations of ancestors graves. I have never done that before.  Perhaps it's because my ancestors graves are spread out all over Canada and several US states.

Death has touched my family over the last five years as well. Five years ago another one of my aunts from my mothers side died, again just like my first aunt this one died in her forties leaving a growing family behind. Three years ago a first cousin of mine died from a brain tumor. The funeral happened while I was in the hospital giving birth to my second daughter.

Then death came to me in a new way, and I have to admit it shook me much more than my previous experiences with death. A close friend had a baby die, her little boy was almost the same age as my second child. I went to the funeral and it changed me forever. In my experience people who were older were the ones who died, not children. A child dying is something people can't hardly ever hear of happening because it is scary. Children rebound and recover from things older people can't. It shakes up your perspective when someone you know quite well loses a child.

This last year has been the most I have ever dealt with death, and granted it has still been from a distance. My husband was a pallbearer at a funeral of someone we both knew as teenagers. She was older and had been battling cancer. Then the unimaginable happened again. A cousin whose wife I had recently been getting to know fairly well....their little 20 month old died.

Then early last month a neighbor died in her fifties from ASL. A week ago a sister in law lost her father, he was also too young.

This last memorial day was a different day for me. My cousin's little boy, his birthday was the 31st of May and then I found out that my very best friend had lost a baby and his birthday was on the 31st as well.  I started to feel weighed down. Death was coming from everywhere. No one was exempt, young, middle aged, old... it didn't matter anyone at anytime.

Sometimes I really hate growing up. Bubbles get shattered and life seems so much darker and more scary. Waking up at night and checking to see if all your children and your husband are breathing....I don't like it. Let alone every time the phone rings worrying who it might be this time and whether it's going to hit even closer to home.

I think the thing that bothers me the most though is that there is little to nothing I can do to ease the pain of those who are right next to the pain suffering intensely from losing those they are closest to. I cry at night because of their pain and wish that I could do more. I pray for them but it doesn't seem like enough. I try and send encouraging notes of support, but I often worry that I'm not helping and may be saying the wrong thing. I'm grateful I have my belief system to comfort me. Knowing in my heart that God has prepared a way for people to be together after death gives me intense comfort.

If you are suffering from the loss of a loved one, know that you are not alone. Even if you don't believe in a higher power. We are one big human family and somebody somewhere is wishing you well. Tonight I will pray for you, even if I don't know who you are. I'm going to send it out into the night hoping that it will ease your pain.

To spoil or not to spoil?

2011-05-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

I think I've written about this before but it is a subject that constantly plagues me so pardon the redundancy.

I have always loved toys. When I was child we didn't have that many. In fact I remember only ever having one barbie doll and it wasn't even a barbie it was a skipper doll. My brothers fed it to the dog and afterwards the legs were all chewed off and I remember the white part showing so that it looked like her bones were sticking out.

I didn't ever have a doll house or a baby doll bed or dress up clothes; I specifically remember never having a "my little pony" because there was a group of girls who during lunch had a club that met under the trees by the big field and you had to have a pony to belong. I could never be a member because I didn't have one.

Now don't get me wrong my parents did everything in their power to give us toys, especially ones we wanted. But when we were young I was slightly conscious that they couldn't afford to get us that much so I didn't ask and tried to make things to play with instead of asking for premade toys. I made dollhouses out of cardboard, doll clothing out of my mothers scrap fabric from sewing and cars for our stuffies out of boxes.

I was the oldest girl in my family and my parents didn't have as much money when I was little as when my younger sisters were, so even though I was "too old" to play with barbies and dolls I would play with my younger sisters and try and make their play time as fun as it possibly could be.

When my daughters were born I could not stop myself. Granted Dan and I didn't have a lot of money but whatever we had was so much more than what my parents had that it seemed (and still does seem) like we were millionaires. We bought brand new toys for my eldest's first birthday. I really was like a kid in the candy store when we went to toys r us that first time. My eyes lit up as we carefully picked out each item and I will never forget the amazing feeling of bringing those toys to the register, paying for them and then taking them home.

Now I am a budget person by choice and a second hand connoisseur by nature. So those first few toys we bought brand new quickly became some of the only new toys I ever bought. I started going to yard sales religiously and shopped clearance and day after thanksgiving sales like a madwoman (not really but I was very diligent at trying).

I bought a beautiful play kitchen for my girls two years ago on clearance for $50 when it originally sold for $150. I bought dollhouses at yard sales for $10-$15 a piece that sold on ebay for $200 used. I bought princess dresses new and used and made several myself. All in all it started to add up to a lot of toys. My girls have so much, maybe a little too much but I am constantly downsizing or giving away when I upgrade to a toy that works more fluently in the scientific flow of toys I orchestrate for my children. I am beginning to have a perfect knowledge of which things should be bought new, which should be bought used and which things should never be bought in the first place.

I can never get away from the guilt though that plagues me for giving them so much. Yes they are spoiled. My second oldest daughter's third birthday was yesterday and I asked my sister on a scale of one to ten how spoiled my girls were. She said "Eleven" ;-) My mother is constantly commenting on how they don't need all of those toys and how ridiculous it is that I keep buying them for them. Now to be fair to me my house does have quite a few toys but it is not crowded with them and they all have a place to be put away.

It's not necessarily the guilt of overcrowding that bothers me it's the attachment to things that bothers me. I recently read a book "By some miracle not yet clear to me" written by a man from Uganda named Vincent Musaalo. He spoke of the homemade toys he had to play with and the horror of not knowing whether they would have enough food to eat.

Life is not special because of the things we have or don't have it's special because of our families and our service to other people. My husband lived for two years in Bolivia where families of four would live in a one room apartment. Having is not important, I know that from my humble beginnings. I loved my childhood even though I really did wish we had more.

And yet I do get intense joy from creating a fanciful world for my children to grow up in.

Yes I may buy them a few too many toys and insist on getting them the very cutest things at the cheapest price, but I do that so they will want to play instead of sitting around watching television or playing video games. We do not invest in gaming systems or cable TV (although we do buy movies because they are awesome to keep kids occupied while I exercise or clean). But I invest in inventive play instruments also known as toys.

Now it may sound a little like I am trying to convince myself it is OK to spoil my children far, far beyond what I had as a child....and in truth I am. When you are raised very unspoiled you gain character that is immeasurable in worth. Which brings me to why I wrote in the first place. For a combined birthday gift for both of my girls we got them this.

This playhouse is the only toy I have ever bought that is over $100. Yes my parents and sister went in on the gift but it was very expensive and although we can afford it I do feel like a rich person who has the luxury of spending money on a toy. (Have I mentioned that I have a unique bias against rich people due to my singular childhood) I call this syndrome "gifter's guilt". I feel bad that I have given my children something they will enjoy all summer long because it is just a thing.

My husband would rather spend that money on their college funds or their wedding funds or a host of other more worthy things. He is probably right, and yet those little girls will only be little once and I want them to enjoy every minute of it:-)

......a picture box!

2011-04-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

I am now the proud mother of three children. Two sweet girls and one extremely huggable baby boy. He is a joy and I am just now readjusting to life. Each week I add back another responsibility/activity of pre-baby life. After I had him I took a break from everything from cooking to exercising and many other things in between.

This week I added back exercising but last week I added back church responsibilities and threw a party for the teenage girls I teach on Sundays. I was excited about it but nervous because my first week back I was completely in charge of the activity and there was a lot to remember and to get done.

Well I showed up at the church building lugging in five boxes of pizza and three other bags of treats, fruit and decorations. I put a few of the things down and realized I had to go the the library and check out a TV to show the movies I brought. I turned to another leader and said "I'll be right back, I just have to go get......a........." a long pause followed while I waved my arms and roughly sketched out in the air a large square shape, "a..... you know....a picture box thing". The woman looked at me not knowing whether to laugh or cry at my lack of mental acuity. "A TV! that's what I meant!" I laughed and shook my head as I ran to the other side of the building to get the "picture box".

Yes I am blaming post baby brain on this one. I couldn't stop laughing at myself or wondering if I will ever be that eloquent young lady I once fancied myself to be. My family always lauded me for my extensive vocabulary and my ability to find words for others when their brains couldn't connect a thought with the appropriate verbal description. Now I am the sad example of a frazzled mother who can't correctly label the noun: television.

I am sure that my amusing anecdote will bring a smile to your faces, and rightly so. I mean really.......picture box. But as you laugh say a silent prayer that my mental faculties will one day return to me. Or else one day you will see me wandering down the street pointing out animals or rocks to my children and describing them as "things that move" or "that hard lump over there" and my poor children will grow up with no knowledge of the real words attached to everyday objects:-)

39 weeks!

2011-02-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

Ok so if anyone saw me yesterday at church they probably thought I was either going crazy....or just having major issues in general.

I can't explain it, but I'll try. Dan came home from a morning meeting and was bathing the kids. I knew that I had to start getting ready for church. As soon as it sunk in that I was actually going to have to attend church and that I had not had this baby yet and that yes I was going to hear many comments along the lines of "well you've still got time don't you, or when is your due date" I just broke down and started bawling.

I didn't want to face anyone, I didn't want to hear that because my due date hasn't come yet that I have no right expecting the baby to be here already. I HATE that people act like you should be patient until your due date comes and goes and really you shouldn't complain until two weeks after they are due.

Are people in general aware that the "due date" is just an educated guess. And yes telling a nine month pregnant woman that her baby could come anytime after 38 weeks and it would be full term is very, very much encouraging her to root for the baby coming any day after 38 weeks.

I couldn't take being around people again who think I should be happy and pleasant while I wait in agony for the living hell of pregnancy to be over. I wanted to stay home and cry to my hearts content feeling ever so sorry for myself. I had to go though because I was teaching and it was one of those weeks where it simply isn't feasible to pawn it off on another teacher.

So....if any of you saw me yesterday and wondered what the heck is going on with Tana, there is your answer. I'm 39 weeks, I'm tired, sore, fat, angry and done with everyone and everything. To top it off I'm going stir crazy here at home just waiting day in and day out analyzing every single thing I feel in my abdominal area (yes there is constant pain, so I try to distinguish between the different types).

I....I...I....need to stop thinking about myself :-(

2011-02-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

I want to exercise today...but I feel like if I do this baby will fall right out. Which wouldn't be a problem but I really want this baby to be full term and I just have to wait two more weeks then I'll be able to try and get him out!

I desperately do not want to gain another pound......seriously if they bump the scale up past a certain number next week at the dr's I will break into tears infront of an entire office of nurses and dr.s!

I'm anxious about driving carpool and hate it more than words can describe!

I'm worried that my valentines date won't go well with my husband, cause I don't feel pretty or skinny and blow up at the slightest provocation...it makes for a very volatile situation when I am alone with my sweetheart!

I'm ready to be skinny again...I'm ready to go running for an hour and feel the sweat drip off me and feel the ache in my muscles the next day!

I'm done cleaning out poop from my daughter's underwear/diapers....but if I give up now I will not only have wasted an entire month of potty training, but will not be able to afford the cost of having two children in diapers!

I'm tired of reading with my daughter (isn't that awful) ...but I am tired of reading 40-60 mins a day at the speed of a five year old just because she is competitive and wants to win this reading contest at her school (that she has no chance of winning because she is five)!

I drive myself crazy obsessing over all of the things that I can't do and want to do......

The cure....I need to stop thinking about what I want or feel I need and I'm trying to think of the others in my sweet family and my dear friends who are all needing support. I also need to think about my siblings and what they need. For example my brother's birthday is tomorrow and I almost forgot about it because I am so focused on having a pity party for myself.

36 wks...not all the way there yet, but at bare minimum I have two more weeks to spoil my sweet kids and husband and do things for others.

My crazy unpredictable two year old! (caution graphic story about poo!)

2011-01-21T11:07:00.000-08:00

I love her I really do but sometime I just don't get it. Today she was potty training, yeah....well she did great. She peed in the potty and poured it into the big potty and washed her hands all with minimal help from my five year old. Then about twenty minutes later she pooped in the potty without help from anyone, yea!!!! right. Well she didn't wipe her bum, but I was so happy not to be cleaning up chunks of poo from her underwear that I was basically dancing.

She then went potty all by herself about an hour later and afterwards I found her walking around bare bummed. I found her still clean underwear and asked if she wanted help getting it back on. She then proclaimed to me that she wanted to wear a diaper. I was stunned because she has fought me on wearing pull ups at bedtime and at church because she is a big girl. I responded "Don't you want to wear your big girl underwear?"

Apparently that was a big mistake. She started bawling and ran to her room and laid down on her bed....still bare bummed I might add. I went in and asked her what was wrong. She waved an arm at me and said "just go away!". I was saddened and shocked. I mean seriously what had I done to elicit that kind of reaction. I asked if I could lay down next to her and she said "No, just go away!!" So I left the room dumb founded. I came back later and asked if I could lie next to her and read her a story. She reluctantly let me and then just laid there quietly in her bed. I went to go and call somebody....anybody who may have insight into why a two year old may act like this. When I came back she was asleep. I covered up her naked bum with a blanket (said a silent prayer that all the potty trips this morning were enough) turned out the light and came downstairs.

......anyone?

One of the coolest inventions ever!!!

2011-01-13T10:40:00.000-08:00

I love food!!! Gotta say though I love carbs more than anything else in the food world of course besides chocolate. I just had to post about the coolest fusion of pasta and vegetables in the whole world. I'd heard that you could make pasta from vegetables....but like I would ever make pasta. That is way too ambitious even for me.

So about a month ago I discovered in the pasta section this awesome new product. I know some people think hiding vegetables in food isn't the best way to teach your kids to eat veggies. For me though I would serve this pasta as a main dish with either a meat and red sauce or even on it's own with a little bit of butter and parmesan cheese. Then I would also serve veggies on the side.

Extra vegetables are never a bad thing, no matter where they come from. In pasta form they are awesome and I find that this pasta tastes just as good as regular pasta. Then again I'm a sucker for healthy food and only eat whole wheat pasta or high fiber pastas in the first place.

The first thing my mother asked when I raved about this was if it cost more than regular pasta. Well I found it was close to the same price as whole wheat pasta, so for me it's just as easy as breathing to find room in my budget for this fun treat.

Try it and let me know what you think. My family isn't very picky and they didn't notice any difference, but I have read reviews that suggest it doesn't taste as good. I think it should be the new craze because children do not eat enough fruits and vegetables to begin with. We should be feeding them to our kids (and ourselves for that matter) in every way shape and form possible.

Well happy eating and if you try this let me know how it goes:-)

You never outgrow a good friend!

2010-12-06T10:10:00.000-08:00

I have the best people in the world that I count as friends. Even when I was in High School and Junior High I was blessed with awesome friends. Some of them even still stay in contact with me and we keep each other updated on the goings on in our adult lives.

I know many people claim their friends are the best, but I think I have the market cornered. When we moved to the states when I was thirteen I met some lovely people who helped to ease the horrible transition from rural country life to suburban living. When in High school I was acquainted with several people without whom I could not have survived the terrifying process of growing up.

Then after two years in college and marrying my sweetheart we moved to Florida where I met amazing individuals that enriched my life and taught me many things that have molded the adult and mother I've become.

Then we moved into our lovely little home here. I've met a few people who I've grown very close to and who understand and put into perspective the hardest and darkest trials me and my family have faced in the last three years.

I've grown up alot over the years but I will never outgrow these people who have always been there for me. Thank you all of you who've blessed me and my family with your friendship. Even when I didn't realize I needed you; you were there. I pray that I've been a good friend to all of you and that I will grow to be the kind of person who blesses other's lives.

I hate looking needy!!

2010-12-03T10:49:00.000-08:00

This time of the year is the worst to appear like you don't have things together. For example I about died this morning when I saw a pink note on my front door from Clearfield city. Dan was two flippin days late paying that bill and already they posted a big "hey these people don't have enough money" sign on my front door for all my neighbors to see.

The truth is if it were just the one note I'd probably be able to get over it, but earlier in November I went to hear my daughter sing at her school only to be told (at the door I might add) that it was three dollars a person to get in. It wasn't that we didn't have the money, I just hadn't been told they would charge me to hear my kindergartener sing. Well a number of neighbors also send their kids to this school and of course a family saw us fumbling around not having any money and I hate that piteous look that you never know if it means they think you just are too poor to pay.

Dan and I have more than enough resources at the moment. Not that we're swimming in money but besides our house and school we have no debt and we make enough to pay our bills and attend our childs Christmas concert. Yes we are frugal and I try not to spend more than neccessary on....well everything. But that is why we are doing ok. I just hate the thought that my friends and neighbors may think we are poor...especially around Christmas time.

I guess I'm sensitive about it because I have been there. Growing up we were poor, at least by the monetary standards set up by the state. My mom was horrified when Christmas presents were dropped off at our house one particularly tight year. I didn't quite understand why because I knew we didn't have enough money to buy any presents that year. Now I get it! The thought that someone thinks you don't have enough or can't take care of your family is humiliating.

Most people should know that just because Dan and I are cheap doesn't make us poor. Yes I have been complaining about the thought of buying a van and how much we don't have the money for this next step in our life. But when I say that I'm only saying we don't have enough money up front to buy a van, so that we don't have a car payment. We just have to put a little less in savings and we could afford a car payment, but we are just too cheap to face that reality right now.

The only reason Dan was late paying a bill in the first place is because he is taking over a full course load this semester (his last). And I have been struggling to keep things together myself. Being six months pregnant and trying to keep the house running by myself and trying to adjust to a half day kindergartener has been a real challenge. Add to that my sister having a baby, numerous other extended family emergencies and needs I've barely kept my head above water. Then you add responsibilities for church and things have gotten out of control.

And now right when Dan's school is pretty much done and he would be free to start really helping me....he gets the news that he is going on a trip next week.

I needed to complain about life, just for a second. But truly we are soooo blessed. We have everything monetary that we need, and then Dan and I have each other and are blissfully happy in our marriage. Our children are healthy, happy and wonderful all around. And Dan is employed...how wonderful is that. The fact that he has a steady job and it can pay the bills and pay for a nice Christmas is almost more than I could ask for.

So I guess I'm saying don't worry about me....it may have been a stressful, crazy, insanely busy and tear jerking month, but November is over and now we are hopefully going to start recovering from it.

Extremely lucky, blessed...or whatever word fits

2010-10-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

When I was my youngest daughter's age I lived in a small cozy house. Me and my (at the time) three other siblings shared a bedroom. My two elder brothers slept in a bunkbed and then there was a twin that me and my sister shared. This room was not meant to be a bedroom it was actually more of a pantry. With the bunk bed and twin in there there was maybe a two foot squared space left.

As my parents added three more children to our little home in Horsefly B.C. my dad built an addition so that there were two more bedrooms. We never had that much, in fact I can remember the few times in my young life where I got new clothes or shoes instead of hand-me-downs.

I bring this up because I was looking at my little girls room last night. They have a store bought bunk bed (ours were always homemade), they have two beautiful dressers, a dollhouse book shelf and a real dollhouse with all the attachements. Under their bed are bins of toys. In their closet are close to ten dress up princess dresses. Along with several more bins of toys. In our basement they have a play kitchen. They have a trampoline in the backyard along with their swingset and sandbox.

Now I don't want to diminish what I had growing up. My dad built a treehouse in a grove of trees near our house. He made a basketball court and we had a horse that we could ride whenever we liked. We had an awesome sandbox and in the wintertime my dad flooded the pond to make a homemade ice rink we got to skate on.

I was incredibly blessed growing up and I had alot of things many people never have. But I can't help but look at my lovely house that has enough room for my family and a craft room for me. And I can't help but look at the dollhouse my children have and think how incredibly lucky and blessed they are.

Growing up I always had what I needed and an outdoor wonderland to play in. But my children are so lucky to have what they have too. I know what is important and both me in my childhood and my children in theirs have what is most important, a family that loves them.

Not wanting to get up...

2010-10-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

This morning I had to give myself a loooong pep talk just to get up. Not cause I'm overwhelmed (even though I am), not because my kids are driving me crazy (they were actually pretty cute this morning), not because I had so much housework to do that I could spend the entire day working and not make a dent..........

..........the real reason is that I feel so incredibly fat that getting out of bed just depresses me. Yes, it is true that I am 20 wks pregnant and gaining weight is part of the job. But no matter how hard I try I just can't get used to gaining weight. It absolutely feels wrong....and the worst part is when I am feeling super heavy and regretting the choices I've made with food, I can't go running for an hour to feel better. Set aside the fact that I don't have time....I haven't been running for so long. First I was sick for a few months and then I just seriously was way too overbooked to get anything done. So now not only am I gaining weight, but I am seriously out of shape to boot.

The only silver lining is I am just barely reaching the weight I was at when I got pregnant with my first two. Yes this is a nice bonus, but my total weight gain is well over fifteen pounds and I'm only half done with this thing.

Please don't think I obsess over my weight all the time (well I do), but I don't usually talk about it during the day and I try not to ever mention it infront of the kids. I do not want to be their excuse for obsessing over it, there are plenty other reasons for them to obsess...I really don't want to add to that list.

So instead I am whining and complaining about it on my blog. Not because I am looking for others to tell me it's ok (but I'd be fine if some of you did :-) If I was really looking to be validated in my weight gain then I'd post something on facebook where all my near and dear friends would comment about everything that is normal and funny about my situation. Instead I wanted to just vent...you know. There is nothing I can do to stop gaining weight and yes my tiny next door neighbor is pregnant at the same time as me and is going to be much smaller then me the entire time (yes I'm talking about you Stacy;-)

It's ok and I know that but I had a really, really hard time getting out of bed facing what is happening to my body again. Fellow body sacrificing women, I feel your pain. Yes we get a precious baby out of the experience but it is not without a cost.

I also know that others would give anything in the world to mutilate their bodies just to have a chance to give birth and I don't mean to lessen their pain in any way.....but it isn't easy seeing something you worked so hard at for so long slip away knowing that you are going to have to work twice or three times as hard to get it back.

Ok I'm done....thanks for listening:-)

freedom

2010-09-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

Definition:

-to jump out of a car while it's moving

-the right to make wrong choices

-breaking the law although minor, but still illegal

-the ability to suffer alone

-bareknuckled battle to drive without a seatbelt

-freedom was always there...it was the fight

-the terrible serrated life...cut off from the formicary of your birth

-But you and you alone severed the thread!

Tana Horton 2010

School and stress!!

2010-08-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

Does anyone out there ever get the feeling that they make life harder for their children? My eldest daughter started Kindergarten. I really get that this is a hard transition for her, but I can't help but feel that I am just making it harder by trying to help.

Here's the deal. My daughter is a seemingly well adjusted 5 yr old who loves to go to school and adores her teacher, her friends, learning in general and especially recess. She seems to get the concepts being taught and even get along with her peers fairly well. But whenever she doesn't win at anything she totally has a meltdown.

They play a scrap game where they have to find the "magic scrap" and whenever she doesn't find it she cries. The teacher also gives out "yes" tickets to students who are being quiet right before the bell. Whenever she doesn't get one she cries.

Today she won a coloring contest and got to go the office for a special prize, and even though she got singled out she still had a hard time and had attitude because she didn't get a "yes" ticket. My husband thinks it's because she doesn't understand how special it was to win a contest based on effort, and he may be right....but still....really. I just have the hardest time not exploding all over her and saying "what is wrong with you". Of course I refrain and try and talk to her calmly about how important it is that everyone in her class gets a chance to win things like the scrap game and the "yes" tickets.

The other problem she seems to be having is that I get a little misty eyed when sending her with carpool. I ask her for a hug and she gets sad too. A few times she has cried all the way to school because she says she misses me. I know that I am causing her to have a hard time going to school because I am sad to see her go, but I'm not sure what I can do to stop the emotions from rising when I see my little girl leaving me and growing up.

I know all her problems are my fault from not teaching her correctly or giving her enough natural consequences or being to overly anxious myself over everything in general. I feel as if everything I do to make things better just makes it worse and proves to her that I am a crazy neurotic mother who one day she will roll her eyes at and feign listening to.

I just wanted her to love me forever in her little girl way and tell me everything that is of consequence to her and yet still respect me as an authority figure. Is that really too much to ask?

I dream in chocolate!!!

2010-08-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

How long will I sit and wonder
about white flour days and
brown sugar nights? For the longer
I ponder what my life

is missing, the more I yearn for
those cinnamon flavored
spring times. All the time hoping for
the things in my powder

sugar past to melt into a
chocolate afternoon
warmed in the oven to form a
honey butter glazed sun-

set. As my life fades I never
will wrap my tongue around that
rich and yet fluffy texture
I am always smelling.

Tana Horton

Ahhh your very first car!

2010-08-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

My eighteen year old sister just got her first car. She is a lovely girl who has been through more than her share of struggles in her young life; which is why most of her friends and family state "you deserve it!" with love and pride. Me on the other hand can't help but think "You don't deserve that sweetie", in the kindest way because you see I've had a first car at eighteen and I know what she is getting into.

I was eighteen and entering Weber State University as a freshman. I didn't decide I needed a car instead my parents and my older brother made the decision for me. You see my eldest brother had just started school as well and my parents had taken him to see my uncle who at the time sold used fords in Boise. My brother being the slightly yeilding type was convinced to buy a somewhat old and beat up Ford Aspire for I think somewhere between $2000 and $3000. Has anyone heard of this car, well if you haven't count yourself lucky.

My brother happens to be 6'4" and this was not the best choice for a tall and muscular college student looking to impress the ladies (he looked alot like Mr. Incredible in his tiny car) so after about a month he and my parents convinced me that I needed the car and I proceeded to empty my bank account to pay my brother for the down payment he made on the car. I faithfully made the monthly payments for less than a year, many times making double payments because the loan amount was so low I figured why not get the creditors off my back (Smart right? No not so much).

You see my parents being who they are and my brother being who he is never thought it mattered much whether the car ever be put in my name. So my brother can thank me for the "credit" that went to his score instead of mine. Aside from that it was a fine car that didn't have air conditioning and actually set itself on fire once while I was driving to to work. I got to learn to drive a stick so that is something but learning from my lovely brother on the streets of Bountiful was worse than any freshman class I had that year, and stalling in the middle of the intersection of Harrison and highway 89 will always stand as a lovely memory.

When I got engaged the next summer and decided that my husband and I could not afford two cars on minimum wage and paying for two full time students tuition, my family convinced me that I wouldn't be able to sell the car for anything (and they were probably right, who'd want a ford aspire). So it was suggested that my younger sister (with help from my parents) would take over payments. So my dear little sister got that amazing car and paid it off very quickly and I think sold it to someone for a very reasonable price, because after all who wants a ford aspire?

I think out of everyone I put the most money into that car over the year I had it and I got the very least, less than a year of driving. I don't begrudge my family for the incident, in fact I counted it as one of the most important fiscal lessons I ever learned. I just was thinking about my poor little sister and can't help suggesting "You may be better off riding the bus:-)"

Self righteousness, arghhhh!

2010-07-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

Can anything really be considered Christlike behavior when it is motivated by self interest?

Nobody is above anybody else and suggesting you are, doesn't that prove that you're not?

Perfection is never attained, so is anything other than private judgement (of actions, for the benefit of personal growth) ever ok?

Truthfully shouldn't we all assume that we always have things to learn and things we can change?

I will always remember a lesson I learned as a young child in Canada;

I looked longingly out our front window at three of my cousins riding their bikes and taking jumps in our driveway. I was mad, disgusted, upset and anything else that would suggest unrest.

"How come they get to break the sabbath and we don't?"

My father is generally not the most even-tempered or soft-spoken man in the world but when he responded to me his voice was soothing and exuded kindness from every intonation.

"Our family has chosen not to ride bikes on sunday and we feel that is a way we can honor the Lord's day of rest"

"But Dad, they go to the same church, shouldn't they..."

"Tana, everyone gets to make their own decisions on how they are going to live and what they are going to do to live their religion the best they can"

I grunted and turned away. He gently put a hand on my shoulder and continued.

"Until you have walked in their shoes you can't judge another person for their decisions, we don't play basketball on sunday right?"

"Right"

"Well what if you saw a family playing basketball on sunday and having a really good time, and you made the judgement that they didn't care about honoring the sabbath. Wouldn't you feel bad if later you found that their Dad had a job that made him travel and he was home for only a few days and he was spending every moment of it having fun with his family"

That seemed to make sense to me, and the hardness in my glare softened slightly.

"Tana you are in charge of you, you get to focus on your growth and progression, leave the rest up to the Being who truly can understand other people's situations"

I will always remember my father's words that day, they struck me with an intense force.

Now I'm not always perfect at not judging; but at the very least I do recognize that I'm not always right and I'm not above reproach. I am not better than anyone else, but it does hurt when others openly suggest they are above me.

I am aware that judging others for judging is hypocritical, so let me leave it at this; I am going to try and not judge others but I hope that others can understand my intentions and reserve their judgement as well. It's the least we can do for each other, to not place ourselves above others and become modern Pharasees.

I am tired and done

2010-07-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of defending every move I make because everyone thinks I should operate like them...

I'm done with jumping back and forth between thinking of others and their feelings and then feeling as if I deserve to think about myself once every blue moon...

I'm tired of fighting the world as it really is and finding out that my idealistic view of how it should be will never exist...

I'm done talking and talking and talking and finding that a large portion of people I interact with have no interest in anything I have to say, think or feel...

I'm tired of feeling inadequate because I will never be the kind of mom I want to be...

I'm done thinking that someday I will measure up...

I'm sooooo tired of everything and just want to sleep or watch chick flicks...

I thought I was done feeling sorry for myself but no matter how many times I say "I won't feel sorry for myself anymore" I can't make it true in a real sense...

Anyone else have a hard month?

"If you can't be pretentious in college..."

2010-07-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

Most of us now are not in the formal education phase of our lives. For those who still are we are at an age where the romance of college life has worn off and we are left to figuring out the world the way it really is and not the way it appears in text books or professor's minds.

Now as we delve into the world as it really is, we need to be tolerant of those pretentious college students who think because they are in the thick of formal education that they are better informed than we are.

It is to be expected that college students be pompous and a little too self assured. Although for those of us lucky enough to be forming our own opinions instead of being spoon fed agreed upon opinions from the intellectual world, it is best to leave that high opinion of our own knowledge at the institution that declared us educated. By virtue of degree we are educated enough to be aware of how completely uninformed we are.

I may be wrong, after all I am constantly open to the knowledge of other schools of thought, but the smartest people in the world are those who never view themselves as such. They are aware of their own insignificance.

Every once in a while I see the wide eyed face of innocence. A person who has not ever found out the hard way they've been wrong, or seen the ugly face of reality so that their world is forever changed. It is a good thing to be this way, energy, misinformation, and confidence produce lovely people who believe in everything idealistic and sweat hope from every pore. Alas this phase of life cannot last forever and they must be educated for real at some point, some people can avoid this kind of education for a long time, but I have yet to meet someone in their later years that hasn't figured out how completely wrong they've been about a great many things.

I am young, I freely admit that, and that may mean I am wrong on this subject. I'm in no way above finding out I'm wrong, but now I've come to expect it and hope that there may be growth and learning for real; instead of pretended knowledge that is based on fiction or text that is and must be biased.

Side note: Anyone know the popular TV show from which the title of this post is quoted?

First impressions...

2010-07-02T07:49:00.000-07:00

This month I will have lived 26 years. Not a lot I know but I thought I would share what I have found to be the most important lesson I have learned in my years on this earth. In the 26yrs I've been alive I have met a slew of people. Old, young, educated, uneducated, smart and less than intelligent (which I might add does not correlate with education as much as people would like to think). Anyway I have over the years formed a lot of first impressions.

One of the most interesting things about first impressions (at least mine that is) is that they are almost always wrong. In my experience first impressions are very shallow and one dimensional. Pegging Any person as only one or two things is most likely incorrect. The only exception to this is when I have thought certain people are kindhearted, loving people. This kind of first impression is not one dimensional and most often kind people really are simply kind people.

Whenever I have pegged somebody as shallow or extremely vain, if I get to know them I find that they are incredibly insecure and often are some of the most beaten inside and have almost the largest capacity for empathy out of anybody else in the world.

If I find a person cold or impersonal often once you get to know them they are the most sweet, loyal and kind people on the planet.

The biggest surprise to me has always been in the area of intelligence. People who can be viewed as dull or uneducated most often care very little if other people find them smart. This in and of itself is an amazingly humble person. Also once you take the time to really get to know (and sometimes spend years doing this) you will find that they have in incredible wealth of knowledge and their judgement is next to impecable. And yet they are still the most down to earth and real people that you will meet.

On my end of first impressions I have found that I tend to be incredibly judgemental. I worry about what other people think so much because I tend to judge others.

Lately I have tried to care less what others think of me, not in a way that lets me be rude to people; but in the long run if somebody thinks I'm a bad parent because my children act out in public, does it really matter? Because I am a good parent and I am doing my very best. It also matters very little if people think I'm intelligent, because really I'm not as smart as I think I am anyway. And if people think I'm stupid what does it matter. As long as I am always progressing I can feel good about what I am doing. I'm not always reading as much as I should or even reading classical literature as much as I should, but I read what I can. I try and continue my learning but at this point in my life it is more about furthering the knowledge of my children and if that stunts my knowledge base that's ok because my knowledge base about children is growing.

This tactic of caring less seems to only work though when I am thinking the best of everyone around me. Which goes along with ignoring my instinctual first impressions and always assuming that people are complex people with wonderful characteristics that could possibly enrich my life.

Now this doesn't mean that people don't sometimes mean to slight me or hurt me. Some people do, but the catch is that it doesn't make them a bad person. If I follow the advice of the Bible and pray for those who hurt my feelings (even intentionally) I find that I have alot more peace. It's a selfish thing to love those around you, because it makes you a happier healthier person.

I'm not great at this, but I am progressing and that is what matters. I love this life and the opportunity it gives us to work on ourselves and to become happier!!!!

Always remember that first impressions are almost always wrong unless you are thinking more about the person instead of less:-)

Gotta love children!

2010-06-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

So I love my kids, ready for the but, sometimes they drive me crazy. My youngest wants to potty train which is fine but she doesn't understand what she is doing. She loves wearing underwear and sits on the potty for several hours a day of her own accord. She makes us take her to the potty when we aren't at home every five mins. But she hasn't once peed in the potty. She has pooped in it but really how long do I put up with this? Would it make me a failure if I forced her to wear a diaper?

My eldest by all accounts is one of the sweetest kids to walk the face of the earth, ready for the but, she has started to give me major attitude lately and has been saying unfortunate things infront of other people. Lately and I swear I don't know where she gets this (honestly I don't talk like this at home) she has been making comments about "fat" mommies. This hurts my feelings as much as anyone else, I just don't know how to address it. I've told her that if she eats her fruits and vegetables and stops eating when her tummy says so she will never have to worry about the "f" word. How do you teach your kids to be politically correct? Any ideas, really I'm worried about the way this could go.

I love my family!

2010-06-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

Dan just got home from a long trip 9 days 8 nights and I was a little upset he had to go to work today. After what seemed like an eternity (I know it's nothing compared to people who have to deal with deployment) of being a single mom I wanted a break. I guess it's ok because he took they day off tomorrow. I was just so done with dealing with the kids when he left for work this morning I got a little mad. Not at him but at how much I didn't want to do the mom thing today. Well I finally got up and came to look at our new family pics again. I really love my family I just get tired of dealing with "Moommmmy!!!!" being yelled all day long. It's a good thing they are so cute, cause they do make it worth it!

Cake pictures!

2010-06-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

I did this cake for my cousin Rachel. I think it turned out super cute!

Princesses, castles and cakes, oh my!

2010-06-07T15:53:00.000-07:00

We had a princess party for my eldest this past week and I have to say that I had a blast getting ready for it and throwing it. It was all the things my daughter is pink, girly and fun. I love her and I really think she deserved the awesome party she got.My sister and sister in law were awesome as our party princesses. They talked to the girls at our "princess tea" about all the things that princesses are: kind, sweet and loving.

I didn't make this cake, my sweet sister bought it for Hannah because I had way too much to do preparing for the party.

Here is the basement all decked out in tuelle. I bought 400 yards of pink and white tuelle at a yard sale and used it like it was going out of style. I also made 8 tutus one for each princess guest.

I made this castle for the girls to color in when they first arrived.

Another cake!

2010-05-10T11:46:00.001-07:00

I made this one for my niece yesterday. She wanted a "hello kitty" cake and I think it turned out rather good. Especially since I just threw it together (because it was mothers day and I didn't have a lot of time). It was fun making another cake, it was a funfetti one with pink cream cheese filling. I think my niece liked it.

My baby is growing up!

2010-05-04T08:08:00.000-07:00

My youngest had her second birthday! One of her first words was "shortcake" in reference to the character strawberry shortcake. So I finally decided to make her that kind of cake. The cake was strawberry flavored and the icing was strawberry/banana. My family came over and gave her presents and we played upset the animal kingdom (a game we used to play when we were kids). It was a lovely evening!

Finding the positive

2010-04-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have lately realized a few very important things:

One- sometimes your physical needs can be taken care of and you can still feel like you are desperately in need of air

Two- sometimes you have to talk to someone about the negative things in your life pressing the air out of your chest, and it's not complaining it's just breathing

Three- there is such a thing as overwhelming somebody with the problems in your life and that is why you need more than one friend so you can parcel out little bits of your problems to different people who will understand them individually

Four- the time comes to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others. Finding somebody in need and thinking about what you can do for them always helps. Even if it is just praying for others who are having problems as well.

Five- count your blessings and even if only the physical needs in your life are taken care of, think of how amazingly lucky you are!

Life is a series of ups and downs, that's the way it works and the way it's supposed to work. Contrasting the bad times with the good times makes the good times sweeter. I need to find reasons to enjoy the bad times in life. Even when up feels like down and it seems like I don't have the brains, experience or self confidence to navigate life with any grace.

Never good enough!

2010-04-26T15:34:00.001-07:00

Does anyone else every find that no matter how hard they try it's never enough. You work all day to clean the house and it's still dirty at the end of the day. You cook an amazing meal and your husband either shows up after it's cold cause he neglected to tell you he was busy that evening, or he eats it and says "It's nice" when you ask him "how is it?" You read to your kids, play with them and just because you have to discipline them they yell "You're not the best mommy in the world!". I try so hard to be nice to everyone I meet and people seem to find me overbearing or a person who just tries too hard (quoting my sister in law).

I love my family but I shared with them why I don't want to have a dozen kids and instead of saying ok I understand you have a hard time they say, you shouldn't be around your kids if you have negative feelings towards them.

I called one of my best friends today by a different name. She took it fine, but I felt like a heel. My daughter refused to put on the expensive hat I bought for her and so I couldn't play with her at the park instead I went running while she pouted in the stroller.

I'm having a very hard time lately and I can't seem to get out of this funk I'm in. I just want to be happy. I have a wonderful husband who supports us financially and doesn't yell at me for anything. I've got two healthy children. I have a house in a nice neighborhood and I have a religion that fills my heart with sunshine and which I truly believe in.

Why can't I shake this bad mood. I just want to be happy, but sometimes it just feels like I care way too much about things other people just don't find worthy enough to think about. I wish I could be like the cool kids, you know the people who don't care what other people think and to heck with anybody who disagrees with them, cause they don't need them anyway.

I'm not that way and maybe that's why over the years several people have found it uncomfortable to be around me because my personality just has too much to it. My mom says my dad is the same, you either love or hate him. The thing is Dad doesn't mind if people don't like him or his personality. He's secure enough with himself that he ignores the fact that people may not like him and treats everyone like they are his best friend anyway.

I guess what I am saying is that I want to be a better person. I think those who close themselves off to caring about what others think stunt their growth, because to a certain degree it means they believe they are above reproach and have nothing to improve. But I think focusing too much on what you do wrong is stunting as well. It just all boils down to the fact that it is never really enough, not for myself or others which means that I need to be more thick skinned and keep plugging along trying to personally improve.

The good book dilemma

2010-04-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever read a book that was enlightening, well written, paced evenly and a good read in general but not like it? I read a book recently it was called "Olive Kitterage". Dan got it for me on his last trip while shopping for presents for us in a airport. I would not recommend this book to my religious friends as you might be offended by the language. I'm kind of immune to horrid language in books since I was an English major in college, but I think I may have learned a new swear word while reading this which is really quite a feat. I have to admit I am more offended by sexual content in books than bad language. Perhaps it's because I've heard fairly dirty language since I was in Kindergarten (some of the kids were a little rough).

The problem I had was not with the language of the book, I think she was trying to illustrate real people and even though in general I am bothered every time I come across a word that I would never say I get to a point where I gloss over the words and don't read them in my head. I think what actually bothers me about this book is the thing that make most books really good. It was a real book. It reflected the world in a very real way. I recognized things about myself in this book. The reason this wasn't a good thing is that the majority of truth that was shared was darkness. I think it wasn't just the darkness, it was the ratio of darkness to light. I am aware that in this world many people are unhappy, and that many if not most marriages are unhappy a large portion of the time. I don't object to being given a closer look at the way many people suffer, the objection I have is when there isn't enough light to give hope.

The absence of hope in any literature is a dark hole that can pull you in very quickly regardless of the amount you have in your life. Moody poetic literature is not bad in my opinion but I think too much of it can be counterproductive. I wish that more people wrote about happy marriages. I'm not naive enough to believe that all marriages don't have some form of unhappiness, but I also think it is naive to believe that there aren't blissfully happy marriages out there. Perhaps truly happy marriages aren't compelling enough to serve as interesting subjects for dissection.

I think that as I have gotten older reading about darkness isn't as abstract as it once felt when I was a young college student. I've seen the darkness and in some cases been overwhelmed by the effect it's had on those I love. The darkness of life is real to me... and I'm not sure at this time in my life that I can bear to invite that into my mind with fiction as well.

The fact that I truly am blissfully happy is it's own balm and does make it easier, or I should say bearable. But even as a child my mother says that I used to cry when I saw my siblings get a shot at the doctors. Even if I am not personally involved in the hurt caused by disturbed individuals or unhappy marriages, I cannot help but stay awake at night hurting for those who live with the pain.

I used to make fun of those women who read fluff, or in other words books that couldn't be considered literature. You know the books I'm talking about, the ones that are fake because they ignore reality too much. I don't mean science fiction. I mean literature that doesn't try and understand the human condition; it tries to cover it up with what I refer to as fluff (people writing about how they wish things were). For years I thought people who read fluff didn't understand what good writing was. Now as I've had more life experience I've found that people who enjoy fluff are really quite smart.

Whether they realize it or not by reading things that have contrived happy endings they are fostering that part of them that esteems happiness. Men are that they might have joy and whether or not everyone is really happy, we should strive for it. Valuing joy, hope and happiness does not make someone an idiot. Those who look for unhappiness are the idiots.

Now I am not saying that I am going to start reading substandard writing all the time. I just think throwing in a little fluff every now and then is actually something worth trying.

Jello easter eggs?

2010-04-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

My dad made these for easter dinner. When he was a kid his mom always made jello easter eggs and he is carrying on the tradition. You poke a tiny hole in the top of the egg and somehow get the egg out and then when it's empty and washed you put jello in it. Don't ask me how they did it exactly we just got to be on the recieving end of this cute little easter idea.

Awe, first birthdays!

2010-04-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

This is the cake I made for my nephew's birthday. It turned out so cute. I love the licorice sided barn and silo. Thanks Liz for the idea!

A moment to stroke my ego...

2010-04-03T19:36:00.000-07:00

So I just want to say that I started this blog because in my heart of hearts, I've always believed I'm a writer. Yes I know there is little proof that I am any good at it, but a girls gotta dream. I started this blog a few years ago because I just wanted to write about what mattered to me and honestly I just wanted to write period. It is something that has brought me peace since I was a little girl.

Today I was looking at the comments (thanks Stacey for noticing this before I did). And a young man (yes I am very shocked that my very girly/stay at home mom posts could ever hold a mans attention) commented on one of my posts and actually wants to use parts of it for an essay he is writing.

It means alot to me that a piece of writing that I did could be of use to someone I don't even know. I'm actually kind of speechless.

Thanks friends and family for visiting my blog enough that it actually could be brought up on a google search. :-)

Once you've reached your weight loss goal...?

2010-03-31T15:50:00.000-07:00

So it's official I've lost 20 lbs. I am so psyched for myself and feel awesome about the way I look and the way I feel. The weird thing is, I keep getting a vibe from people that I could stand to lose more.

It started with the person who weighed me in at weight watchers. I told her my goal weight and she asked "really? it's a big range that is healthy for your height." I reassured her that BMI ranges just aren't efficient for my body type. Yes my weight may be higher up on the range but even when I am "over" the BMI range I am very healthy.

When I was five pounds over the healthy BMI range for my weight my doctor told me that I was insanely healthy. I had very, very low cholesterol, very healthy blood sugar levels and my blood pressure honestly is always beyond perfect.

So now that I am ten pounds below what I was when I had that checkup it begs the question. Why do people think you need to have no fat on you to be healthy and look good? Sure I may not look show stopping in a swimsuit, but I do not look bad. I look great in regular clothes and am fitting into sizes that are much smaller than what I wore in high school, when I ran cross country and had the body of a teenager.

My brothers always told me and my sisters that we could stand to lose more weight, at every stage of our lives. Even when my sisters were running competitive track in college and playing college basketball, they did not seem to be as thin as my brothers suggested every woman should be. Granted my brothers both dated several anorexic (no I'm not exaggerating) girls before settling on there respectively naturally thin wives. But does that mean that you have to be super thin to be considered healthy and doesn't it matter more what weight makes you happy.

My husband is very sweet and supportive. He says that if I want to stop losing weight he will support me, but he is quick to suggest that he would love to support me in losing another ten pounds. (I think he's just curious to see what difference another ten pounds would make). After all right now I am thinner than he has ever seen me and I could look even more different if I were to lose another ten pounds.

I'm torn. I'm sick of trying to lose weight and I kind of want to move into the maintenance side of things, but I'm a little curious too. Would I be even happier ten pounds lighter? Or really will no weight seem thin enough to me in this world where even the size two's are airbrushed to be thinner when they are placed on the cover of magazines?

Blue and Gold!

2010-03-03T07:43:00.001-08:00

This was the very first time I have made a sheet cake (super easy btw), but I think it turned out awesome.

I'm super proud of the decorating job I did and I think it is the best Blue and Gold cake I've ever seen (not that I've ever seen any others).

Don't you all agree? The kids loved them (I made two). I wasn't going to show a picture of the second one because I misspelled something but here it is.

It's pretty obvious how I messed up, but I thought I'd give you all a good laugh. No one at the B&G noticed but I was still mortified.

Proud to be Canadian!!!

2010-03-02T07:46:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, I was born and raised in British Columbia, Canada. I moved with my family to the states when I was thirteen and was "naturalized" and became an American citizen. I am proud of the country that I now call home, but I am so proud this week to be a native of British Columbia.

Canada did amazing in the Olympics. I was torn while watching the last hockey game of the Olympics. I called my parents and siblings and they weren't so torn. They unabashedly rooted for Canada. My mother is/was Canadian and didn't try for US citizenship for awhile. This last fall she did the work though and became an American citizen along with the rest of us.

I think the events of the last week prove, you can take a family out of Canada (you can even change their citizenship) but you can never take Canada out of a family!!!!!

Things I miss since I went on a diet!

2010-02-27T10:00:00.001-08:00

Chocolate, every type and kind!

Banana bread and every type of bread that is essentially cake but we still call it bread to assuage our guilt!

Muffins, again essentially they are cake but the title muffin sounds healthier don't you think?

Cookies, especially double chocolate chocolate chip, yummmmmm!

Brownies, especially when they have chocolate chips in them and are topped with icing, sooooooooo good!

Ice cream shakes, especially (can you guess) chocolate with candy broken up in it!

Good hearty bread with butter on it so that when you fold it in half you feel like you are eating the yummiest sandwich every invented!

Carbs, of every kind but especially potatoe salads and casseroles oooh and mashed potatoes!

Gravy, either on biscuits or mashed potatoes (especially the kind my dad makes)!

Chinese food, chicken battered and fried and then cooked in the most unhealthy sodium filled sauce ever created (and lets admit thats not really the way the Chinese eat)!

I miss putting butter on my steamed veggies and dipping raw ones in ranch!

I miss fries and chicken strips from fast food places and casual dining restaurants! (Oh and while we're on the subject I really miss fry sauce)

Pancakes slathered in butter and syrup!

Ok I think this is starting to get counter productive

Bacon and sausages oooh and french toast (wait make that stuffed french toast)!

Cheese, I almost forgot how much I love cheese!

Now that I'm thinking about it, pizza, with a big fat crust and lots of cheese!

My all time most favorite thing to eat that I have given up, wow that has to be:

Late night caramello chocolate bars with my hubby after the kids were asleep!!!!!!!

When you think about it I'm not missing out on that much, right? And my future skinny frame will be worth it, right?

Help me out, cause I'm not that sure after looking at that list!

Schools, schools, schools arghhhh!

2010-02-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

My recent discovery is that the debate between Charter and Public schools is not exclusive simply to my neighborhood. (Oh come on it's not that big of a shocker that I think the world revolves around me, after all I'm geographically challenged). So for those in the same boat as me this time of the year is Kindergarten roundup. Remember the good old days when you didn't have a choice where your kids went, that time is long gone. With it's death it ushered in a new era of raving lunatics on both sides of the aisle.

I would label the whole debacle political and pass the buck on to the idiots we elect, but it seems that even they aren't split on the issue down party lines. Instead each politician seems to have a different opinion that doesn't seem to reflect party affiliation. So the issue really is between those who teach at or send their kids to public schools and those who teach at or send their kids to charter schools. And that is the line drawn between sides; mostly women turn this seemingly harmless decision for a parent with a child of kindergarten age into a death knell for you (no matter what you choose).

A friend of mine whose eldest daughter is also kindergarten age told me that she felt like no matter what she chose, she knew she'd be making the wrong decision. I feel the same way. For whatever reason if I don't choose the public school system I am not a civic minded citizen. Conversely if I don't choose the charter school I am not a parent who cares about my child. So my friend and I decided to apply for the charter school, pretty much accepting that both our girls wouldn't get in and we could go the the public school and be happy that we'd tried. So when we both got the email that both of our girls got in we were shocked and a little mystified over what to do.

OK here's the run down. Pro charter school issues for us were a traditional school year (public is year round), smaller class sizes, forced parental involvement and I'll just say it, a school that isn't situated across the street from the Job Corp. The cons to the charter school were that it was farther away and we couldn't walk our kids to school, the teachers aren't required to be certified to teach as opposed to the district schools which are, and there aren't as many programs for gifted students or struggling students.

When I reviewed the issues it came up sixes. Every teacher, parent and random person I talked to said that in all honesty it isn't the school that determines your child's academic success it is your parental involvement. So I felt like I was back at square one. I knew that either place I sent my child to I would be volunteering once a week. It was in all reality a win-win situation, yet why did I feel like I was losing either way. My husband said if it's an even toss, choose whatever you want and you'll be fine. The problem was that I do care what people think of me.

You see when I say charter or public school I get a very emotional response from each person I talk to. The majority are negative and others glowing positivity. I hate getting the feeling like I need to defend my position. It's like breastfeeding, you can't tell a woman that she is making the wrong decision if she quits. You have no idea what she is going through because it is different for every person. I feel like I shouldn't have to defend my decision because either choice is fine and whatever reasons I make that choice should be respected. I'm the parent and some time or other I'm going to have to stand behind the decisions I'm making.

From now on I'm not going to talk about it anymore. I've made my decision and if I change my mind and switch schools next year I'm not going to apologize for my first choice. It's right for me now and that should be enough, right?

Valentines day!

2010-02-17T11:40:00.000-08:00

I've seen some cute posts of what people did on valentines day. So I decided to join in on the fun and report how my weekend went. My sweet hubby and I are usually as cheesey as can be on these occasions, but this year we relaxed a little. We traded babysitting with my brother and sister in law and we went out to dinner Friday.

Since I've been trying desperately to lose a few extra pounds (other than the ones I gained over the holidays) we didn't do the candy thing and were laughed at when we ordered from the healthy side of the menu. But I gotta say I loved my salmon and my strawberry/mixed greens salad. After dinner my hubby did the best thing in the world, he listened to my hints and took me shopping for the one thing I've been wanting all winter (long jogging pants), yes it may lack some romance but it was what I needed cause the next morning I ran the Valentines day 5k. My mother and my little sister beat me but I improved my time from the thanksgiving 5k, and that was good enough for me.

The rest of the weekend went well. We got our girls each a tiny box of chocolates and a coloring book. The chocolates were a mistake because our eldest daughter bit into one (milk chocolate truffle I might add) and decided she didn't really want her chocolates. Our youngest dove for the candy right after I opened it and promptly stuffed a whole one in her mouth and after masticating it a bit spit it out on the carpet. She did that with all three chocolates she tried.

All in all it was a successful weekend. Hubby enjoyed his present and on Tuesday got me roses after the fact I think because he felt that exercise pants didn't seem like enough of a present. I love Valentines day because I have three amazing people to love.

Sorry, I know it's not Halloween but I had to post these!

2010-02-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

So I know, I know it is so far past halloween that we aren't looking back on it anymore, we're almost looking forward to it again. But that doesn't change the fact that we had alot of fun and I actually took pictures of the fun things we did. Here we are carving a pumpkin.

The girls were Mulan and a pirate. I made the Mulan costume and bought the pirate one a year before during halloween clearance, they were so cute. We made treats to bring to friends that are the cutest little witches ever. My eldest even helped dip the marshmallows in the dyed coconut and helped put on the eyes and nose.

I made my parents have a halloween party and my dad made that cool cream cheese frosted cheese log. If you can't tell it's a mummy. My dad used to be a chef for those who didn't know.

The graveyard cake I made for my little brothers birthday which is right before halloween.

We had a blast last halloween and it is definately one I will always remember, cause of the amazing treats that started off the holiday season for me and the beginning of my six pound weight gain.

Absent, but ok (sort of)

2010-02-04T10:42:00.000-08:00

So I'm hoping I'm back. I haven't blogged forever. The holidays were insane and I think I've emerged. I felt like I took on a second job (on top of stay at home mom) the last few months. My sister went back to work and since her husband got winter work snow plowing they have needed a kind relative to help them out. Being that I'm the only relative without a real job that was me.

A couple weeks ago my husband and I woke up to our little eighteen month old throwing up in her crib and my nephew covering in his own throwup as well. I called my sister at the hospital (she's a nurse) and told her that her son needed a parent to take care of him when he's sick. That and the fact that they didn't have insurance and their son was only nine months old at the time made me worry about taking or not taking him to the emergency room myself.

Anyway, I don't want this to be a complain blog. I just wanted to let all of you out in the bloggosphere know why I've been MIA the last few months. It's not for a lack of needing an outlet it's been a lack of time.

Along with taking care of my sister's child I've also been helping a little family where the dad has been out of work for over a year. Their situation got so desperate that they ended up giving up on the American dream and moving back to Guatemala.

Anyway enough about me and my excuses for neglecting the blogging world. I'm going to check everyone's blog and post. I promise I haven't forgotten about any of you and I'm going to make an effort to reconnect.

Thanks,
Tana

Poor taste?

2009-11-19T15:06:00.000-08:00

I'm aware that it exhibits poor taste to complain too much about life, because no matter what you've got something to be grateful for. But I have to say how hard this week has been.

Dan left on Monday for Puerto Rico and that morning I woke up feeling like a bus hit me. He responded by telling me that it was just a cold and rolling his eyes when I told him how sick I felt. I understand he was busy preparing for a trip and feeling a little sick himself, so he should be forgiven. But after a day of sleeping I found myself sicker than before. Tuesday I was bedridden and my mother came over to take care of the children for me. I was feeling better, sure that the next morning I'd feel fine and it would be all over.

Wednesday I picked up my eldest from preschool and dropped both off at a babysitter while I went to a place I can't talk about because it concerns another person and their story that is not mine to tell. It wasn't anything directly related to me but I felt pain for this person and cried profusely. I came home and picked up my kids. I counted the hours till they went to bed. I was frustrated with them and through a horse voice I yelled at them. Finally when they were in bed I tried to sleep.

This morning at three I woke up with my eyes glued together. My cold/flu or whatever it is transferred to my eyes. Pink eye, that's right. So I called a neighbor to take my kids this morning while I disinfected my bedroom and my children's bedrooms, because of course I'm terrified they'll get it too. Anybody who's ever tried to put eyedrops in toddler's eyes understands my rational fear of them contracting conjunctivitis.

Consequently I realized that instead of picking up toilet paper at the store I got paper towel. We were stuck with one half of a roll left in the whole house. My sister sent her husband over with toilet paper and dinner since shopping was out of the question with eyes full of puss.

The silver lining is that wednesday night I went to bed and prayed that I would be well enough the next day to at least take care of my children. As an addendum I added that if I couldn't be better would He just bless that my kids wouldn't get sick. So I can say with confidence this afternoon that God answers prayers.

I know that one small illness hardly warrants the amount of words I've dedicated to it; but in the course of this week I've been given some lessons that just may be worthy of the brain space it takes to read this article of self pity. I've been humbled and had to ask for help where generally I'm the one who's asked for help. I've also learned that if I want to have a support base to help me when needed I have to work harder at developing friendships. The kind of friendships where you can ask for help without feeling like a heel. In short I need to do more for others.

I've also learned that whether you are close with a person or not, when you are genuinely in need they will come to your aide.

Good Samaritans everywhere, thank you. I'm going to try and be better. Next time I'm asked to help watch someones kids because they are sick, I'm going to be a lot more willing and empathetic.

Our Half Marathon!!!

2009-09-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

My sister and I ran our half marathon! We are really proud of ourselves for following through with a difficult goal. My sister had a baby six months ago and even though she's had less training than me she did fantastic. I'ver been running for a little over a year, ever since my youngest was born. I'm still working on losing baby weight, yeah it's taking me a while.

After it was over my sister said "I'm glad it's done, now we never have to do that again". I smiled and didn't say anything. Two weeks later we started talking about training for another one next spring. Both of us want to do it in a better time. We didn't run it fast, but we weren't the last people to finish, so that was our solace in our not so awesome time.

Hero vs. Role Model

2009-08-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl I idolized my grandmother. I guess it sounds silly but I really saw her as an extraordinary person. She was widowed at a young age with nine children. My father was ten when he lost his father. Along with being placed in this difficult situation she was a model in her younger years and starred on her own radio show when she was a teen. With a repertoire of over 200 original songs she was an accomplished piano prodigy. She learned on her own how to play the piano when she was three years old. She even had a Hollywood screen test but never pursued a career in film because she decided instead to have a family. A few of her songs were so popular they played on the radio and one was even bought by a big name singer.

As a young girl this kind of success in life seemed staggering. For a woman, alone in the world, to accomplish so much was nothing short of amazing. As a teenager who grew into adulthood early through marrying young, I wished an hoped that I could be like her. That I would be able to do things that people saw as exceptional. Write a novel or get an alluring career in a well respected job market. As I had my children and quit working I saw so much of what I wanted to be slip away. Then I was introduced to another extraordinary woman.

This woman was not regionally famous like my grandmother but well respected by all who knew her. She too was a widow at a young age but didn't choose to raise her children alone, she remarried. Also gifted in music she taught piano and organ for many years. When given the chance to do something in her free time she read, quite extensively anything she could get her hands on. By all worldly standards she could be seen as a very good, ordinary person. The truth is though that she is far from ordinary and won my respect in far greater amounts than even my own grandmother did. She is my husbands grandmother.

From birth she was born with a problem with her foot and needed years of surgery and corrective medical care to fix this problem. At the age of two her father left her mother and her and she never got to know him, in this life anyway. Soon after her father left, her mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. She was bounced from home to home of relative after relative. Growing up disjointed and without a real sense of home she was blessed in her young adult years to meet a wonderful man who provided a home and family for her, the first she had ever really known. When he died you would think that would be it. Being raised in such a forlorn way and then to experience the devastating loss of the only family she ever had...it is truly amazing that she found strength to go on. But she did and she remarried a man who had experienced as much sadness and loss as even she had. They had another child together and are still married today.

It is amazing that a woman with such a life could emerge near the end of it with any smile on her face or spring in her step, but JoAnn Taylor did. This would be enough to admire her, but she is so much more than someone who has overcome odds.

I started realizing early on in my realtionship with this woman that when I left from a visit with her I was very happy. Not only happy but I left feeling as if I was an extraordinary person. Now with most individuals who make you feel good about yourself the gateway is always flattery, whether false or geniune that is the main avenue to enhance somebodys self esteem. Well this just wasn't the case with JoAnn.

I would look back over the conversations that I would have with her and there was one common thread. She was constructively criticizing me. Someone who can help you to see your flaws in a way that actually builds you up is extremely rare. I would venture to say I have never known or heard of another person who can accomplish this. She has a tremendous gift of charity, the ability to see in everyone at the same time every good thing about them. Never in any way tearing anyone down, but reminding you about what is good about others without suggesting you might be lacking in charity yourself.

I asked her about this gift the other day, she cried and thanked me for my kindness and said it was no gift whatsoever but the ability to understand others because she had been there. Empathy, in a word. But the most amazing thing about this woman is that even if she hasn't been in every situation possible, she lends her experience to these situations and gives true empathy anyway.

Growing up I always wanted to be somebody that many people saw as exceptional. What I never realized is that those people are seen exceptional in a superficial way, because it relates little to them on a personal level. Now my mind has changed. I believe that what I truly want out of life is to be seen by someone as exceptional on a deeply personal level. To be the kind of person who makes others better in a quiet loving way is success on such a more monumental scale that someone who does "great" things in the eyes of the world.

Don't get me wrong, I still admire and look up to my grandmother as a wonderful role model for worldly things I still desire to accomplish. But I believe my ultimate hero is someone who I want to be like on a personal level. Because I believe at the end of my life if I am at all like her I will feel I've lived a life worth living.

The Insurance companies are money grubbing (bad words)!!!

2009-08-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

The other day I went to fill my prescription of Prevacid at Target. It was an average thing that I do every month or two. I was embarrassed to find myself crying at the counter when the pharmacist reluctantly told me that my insurance refused (again) to cover the prescription. After a few sleepless pain ridden nights I could not stand the thought that I would have to live with the pain while the insurance company quarrelled with my doctor over how much I really needed these pills.

Late last year I had yet another endoscopy. A procedure that along with being invasive and requiring anesthesia costs dan and I anywhere from $300 to $500. It confirmed that I still have a stomach covered in ulcers. They biopsy them every time they scope me to make sure that none of the masses are cancerous. I have been very lucky that none of the results have come back positive.

The gastroenterologist's answer to fixing my insane heartburn and ulcers always comes back to take Previcid. To a certain extent I don't mind, because I feel better when taking Prevacid. But when the insurance decides not to cover it, I am left writhing in pain with no recourse but drinking almost an entire bottle of Maalox just to get through the night. The insurance company goes through honeymoon phases with certain drugs and after those are over they drop the drug. If the drug company courts the insurance company enough they will start covering the drug again. The problem is that there is no alternative to this drug that the company does cover in the meantime. Prilosec of course is over the counter and the insurances answer is to tell us to go out and spend a fortune buying up that drug.

The difference is that Prilosec is 20 mg and Prevacid is 30 mg. So I've been taking two Prilosec a day to make up for my lack of Prevacid (I should be taking four, two in the morning and two at night, but that seems like so many pills). I can survive this way, but it doesn't fix my stomach like Prevacid. I've been taking Prevacid my entire married life, six years. I've tried every other stomach ulcer medicine out there and Prevacid makes my life normal again.

Now I'm aware that I sound like a baby, but I am so sick of insurance companies deciding what I do and don't need. They are not the ones drinking Maalox every fifteen minutes just to get a staggered five minutes of sleep intermittently throughout the night. It is not fair that they can do this to me. I pay over $400 a month to have a health care plan that won't cover the most basic of my health needs, and that doesn't cover dental either.

On top of that it costs Dan and I over $4000 to have a baby. And we don't like to go into debt even for children. So we save up and pay in advance and they graciously take 10% off the total amount due the hospital. On the other hand I have a sister in law who missed one payment due on the balance from her son born four months before my daughter at the same hospital. Because she missed one payment she got 50% of her bill forgiven if she paid the remaining balance.

There is something wrong with this system. I know universal healthcare is a sore nerve amongst a large group of people (including my parents, they believe two of my aunts died prematurely in Canada because of socialized healthcare). But the system is broken. Something needs to be done. Preventative healthcare saves lives and money, if everyone had access to the preventative healthcare they need the majority of the country would be better off.

If I die of a bleeding ulcer then I want someone to point out that they should have just covered my darn prevacid.

I've been sooooo busy!

2009-06-10T13:37:00.001-07:00

I know everyone is always busy, so being busy is no excuse for letting other things slip by the wayside. The truth is though that with one of my husband's brothers getting married, two of my sister in laws being pregnant (one with twins) all of the aforementioned needing showers, along with my eldest's birthday, I have been swamped.That along with all my regularly scheduled crafts I do I haven't scarecly had time to breath this last month. Before the craziness really started I came across the bow board above at a garage sale for two dollars. I took out the middle and painted the frame and recovered the middle with a fabric to match my youngest's room. I have been making bows for the past few months and I needed a nice place to hang them. I decided to make something to decorate my daughter's room while at the same time providing a practical place to hang the bows I put in my girls hair.

I made another magnet board for one of my as yet unborn newphews. We threw a shower for my sister in law one week after the shower for my other sister in law who is having the twins. I stayed up till one making that gift. I could have bought something but we didn't have any money and I had the stuff to make a board. I really hope my sister in law likes it.
The other reason I've been crazy busy last month was that I had a wedding cake to make. I think it turned out great. I'm not sure they really loved it but I only charged them $85. I don't know if I'll keep making wedding cakes. I get so crazy over them and it hurts me when people seem a little dissapointed with all the effort. I also did a cake tasting and it was the day after the wedding cake, needless to say me and my kitchen were covered in powdered sugar for an entire week.

Anyways sorry if I've neglected visiting blogs or commenting. I've just been busy with life. I'm going to get caught up on what I missed in your blogs my dear friends, I promise.

Pillowcase revisited

2009-05-22T14:36:00.000-07:00

Sewing seems to be the order of the month. I made a pillowcase dress for my eldest, and she won't wear it. I'm super sad and a little mad that she doesn't even want to try it on for me. I think I need to put buttons and an elastic waste on it and maybe she'll like it.

I love the way it turned out. It's not as cute as those made by some of my friends, but I couldn't afford to go out and buy cute fabric for this project, we're a little tight this month and I opted to go with an old pillowcase with some remnant fabric I had lying around with my quilting fabrics.

My sister asked me if my eldest was short on dresses or something. I said "not really" she said "It seems like you are making her a new one every week". I laughed, almost but not quite. She was running low on dresses that were long enough a month ago and I went a little crazy trying to remedy the problem without massacring my budget.

I also made two baby quilts for my sister in law's twins last week. They turned out so cute, but again no pics, arrgh! One of these days I will just nail my camera to my forehead.

I need to take more pictures

2009-05-12T13:29:00.000-07:00

I made two little crayon rolls for my nieces this weekend and I didn't take pictures. I am so sad because they turned out so cute. I also didn't take pictures of a valance I made for my little sister's room. It was pleated and I turned out the pleats and sewed buttons to hold the pleats out. I also made matching table runners for her desk and dresser.

I'm promising myself that I am going to take pictures of the things I made for my sister's room next time I visit my parents house. I also did a painting for my other little sister's birthday that was really cute as well. Again there was no picture taken before I gave it away.

I love making things, I feel productive. It's only since I started blogging that I've realized that you take pictures of things so that you can show people what you are proud of, and give others ideas for their own creative endeavors. I love looking on other blogs to get ideas for things to make for my kids or myself.

High expectations

2009-05-04T15:15:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking lately about a post a friend of mine did about being a mother. She said that she doesn't have any need for outside validation or additional income as a source of validation. She is so into being a mother that she is happy doing exactly what she is doing.

I am very in awe of this person and I've been trying to think of why I don't feel that way. I love being a mother and don't get me wrong I love my children more than life itself. I would die before letting any harm come to either of my girls, but I still feel like I need some sort of external validation.

I believe that the reason I still feel a need for wordly accolades is that I have a large amount of something many would call "male" ambition. I have a desire for the world to think highly of what I do. I believe it stems back to when I was a teenager. When I was thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up, mother was not what sprung to mind. It's not that I didn't want to be a mother, I did; but I also believed that if I never met the right guy or had an opportunity to get married I wasn't going to feel like life wouldn't be worth it. I didn't think much at all about getting married and having kids. Instead I had detailed plans about finishing school and starting a career I would be proud of.

It wasn't that I thought so little of myself that I didn't believe I would ever get married, I just knew that not everyone gets married and I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment. Of course I dreamed of companionship from a wonderful man (very much like my husband), but I wasn't going to define myself as any less of a person if I never found someone.

Then to the surprise of me and my family I found a wonderful man, while I was still quite young. My husband was such a wonderful catch that I knew if I passed on him I would regret it for the rest of my life. I never wanted to get married young, but I did.

The only problem was that I never got rid of my "male" ambition. And although I have a degree and may someday go back for a graduate degree I am primarily defined as a mother, not anything else.

I admire my friends who can be incredibly satisfied with staying at home. My one friend said that she is a mom because she chose to be one, not because she had to be one. I don't feel like I have to be a mom or was forced to because of circumstances, I chose this. But I don't know if I will ever shake off the desire to be defined as more than a mother. I do want to change the world. I know that being a mother does change the world in a profound way, but not everybody sees that and that is where my downfall will always be. I want people to respect deeply the work of mothers and I don't think anyone but mothers ever will.

While it is amazing that some people are naturally satisfied being a mother, I have to work at it. I think that may be what ends up defining me. The fact that I work every day at loving and respecting what I do as something that is admirable.

Happy Mothers Day to every mother out there who is not always happy being "just a mom". At least you do it even though it's hard. Fighting for something will always make it worthwhile to you. I honor mother's everywhere who try to stretch themselves beyond their natural capabilities to make the world better one child at a time.

Another upcycling success!

2009-05-02T20:32:00.000-07:00

One of these days I will take a before shot to illustrate the transformation. This dress turned out soooo cute. I loved making this and learned alot for the next dresses I'm going to make for my eldest because of course I'm going to make more of these dresses. I am totally addicted to the idea of reusing old and unfashionable shirts to make cute dresses. I made this dress on the same day I made the cake for my youngest's birthday.
I made a homemade fondant out of powdered sugar and marshmallows that turned out really yummy. The cake was carrot and I used a cream cheese frosting under the fondant. I had to show off this cake because it turned out so cute. The pan looks awful but it is clean I promise. I need a pretty platter.

My little cutie wasn't too fond of carrot cake but she like the frosting. My eldest had alot of fun singing to her little sister and loved all the fun of a party.

I just upcycled!

2009-04-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

So aparently making a dress for your little girl out of a horrible looking old shirt of your husbands is referred to as upcycling. I absolutely love how it turned out and I am so sad that I missed taking the before shot of the shirt. It was a horrible old shirt that my husband bought for a themed dance in high school. Obviously he bought it from a thrift store. So I bet this is one shirt that will live many long lifes. Long live reincarnation!!!

Sewing still can be cheap!!

2009-04-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of hearing "It's too bad sewing isn't cheaper than buying clothes anymore". It actually makes me frustrated because it is simply not true. People have this idea in their heads that it is a fact that sewing things is more expensive than buying.

The truth is that if you buy things on clearance from a store they can get fairly cheap, but the things you would make anyway aren't the five dollar shirts and ten dollar jeans that go on clearance in stores. Dresses are the number one easy thing to make if you are into sewing. Dresses, when and if they go on clearance don't ever go below twenty dollars. I am talking for sizes like 3t-5t. For infants you may be able to find dresses for less than that but a well made pretty dress no matter the size is hardly ever below twenty.

So if you figure that you buy a yard and a half of fabric to make a dress and a pattern can be as cheap as $1.99 you can actually make a dress fairly cheap. If you buy full price patterns and full price fabrics I can see how people may have the misconception that making is more expensive. The facts are though that fabric stores always have incredible sales. There is always a 40%-50% off coupon for full priced fabrics and often the fabrics go on a sale that surpass even those percentages off. Then if you take into account clearance fashion fabrics you will find that sewing a skirt or dress for an adult can be dirt cheap.

It is just annoying to hear people write off sewing like it is a lost art or something nobody would want to do because it is an expensive hobby. For example there is a wedding coming up on my husbands side and they have asked if we would like to get dresses for our girls. The dresses are very cute and well made with nice fabric and run around $60 a dress. I can make the same or a similar dress for well under $20 a piece, and that's even with springing for the really nice fabric.

Sewing is not a lost art. People who bargain and buy clothes on clearance and thrift shop can get clothing very cheap, but when you think of the things that you would make instead of buy they are still cheaper. Doll clothes are also quite pricey. I buy remnants and make little clothes for my daughters dolls. Blankets and burp cloths can be more expensive than those in the stores, but if you compare quality the homemade ones will last twice as long and look twice as good as the bargains you'll find in the stores.

To sum up I love sewing and I think that you can save money by sewing some of your children's clothing and blankets. The pictures are of some aprons I made for my girls. They wear them when I am worried about getting their clothing dirty during projects or while eating. I even made a matching apron for my daughter's cabbage patch doll.

Don't give up on sewing just because some people are discouraging. Sewing is relevant today and always will be as long as there are expensive clothes out there. Just remember that quality counts.

Aren't they too young?

2009-04-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm contemplating putting my eldest in Preschool next year. Actually doing a little more than contemplating, I have her slotted to be in a preschool that is just around the corner. She is so excited for school but is convinced she is going to elementary school...like tomorrow. Whenever she uses a pencil or pen on paper she calls it school. Anyway she is loving the idea of learning from someone other than me. The only problem is I can't get the budget to work.

My husband and I aren't poor, in fact we have exactly what we need and we manage quite well (when nothing else is added to our list). Lately I've been pushing my husband to agree to life insurance for me and him. It was a long fight because he really doesn't like spending money. But I explained that we aren't being responsible parents not providing for our children if a tragedy arose. Finally I convinced him, but fitting the expense into our budget makes it rather taut.

The extra expense of Preschool is starting to make me sweat. How do people do it? How can they afford everything else and paying for somewhat of a glorified playgroup for three days a week for a few hours. In Florida the state paid for preschool for parents (perhaps that is why they have a 2 mill dollar deficit and are threatening to close my friends elementary school they send their kids too). But aside from that I am a little sad thinking about how much this is going to cost and where in my husband's paycheck we're going to come up with the cash.

When I was little I never went to preschool. My mother taught me and my six brothers and sisters our abc's, numbers and (most importantly) how to tie our shoes. That was all I needed for Kindergarten because all we did was play and take naps. We didn't learn how to read until first grade. Now children have to be reading and writing in kindergarten. I think I could prepare my eldest for the academic load she will face in kindergarten (she had letter recognition from age two and is almost reading at three), but she would be behind socially. Everyone puts their kids into preschool so if someone doesn't their kid is behind in important social skills which in turn affects them academically.

I really want my eldest to soar in school. I don't need her to be the smartest or even the most well behaved I just want her to have a good experience. How come we put so much expectations on our children. It's like we are prepping them to stand out from the crowd at three. Now I'm not saying people who put their kids in preschool are crazy parents that are trying to get their kids a head start (after all next year I'll be one of them). I just think society has it all wrong. Shouldn't we just be happy if our kids can get through the school years with as little emotional damage as possible. After all they can always catch up to the curve academically in Junior High, get good grades in High school and go to a great college (or a good one in my case).

I don't know...my grandfather had ten kids and he always said. "As long as they aren't too smart or too dumb they'll do great in life". Average has lost the prominent place it deserves in our society. Why do we all need our kids to be the smartest, prettiest or even the best in a sport or musical instrument. If they are happy just being average (which most people are) then why can't we be happy for them.

I moved to the city when I was in Junior High and couldn't participate in music, drama, sports or almost anything else. Why, because everybody had been trained since they were five years old in sports and instruments and the level they were at was elevated. Participation should be something kids get to do in Junior High and High school not something they have to be groomed for from age five. Most of the people who made it into things didn't enjoy them anyway because their parents had picked that road for them when they were too little to make a real decision. I know we are all concerned as parents to have every door possible open to our kids, but if it were possible just to let them be kids I think they would appreciate it more.

I know it is society more than individuals, but we could change it...if we wanted to.

Little magnet board

2009-04-09T09:51:00.001-07:00

So the big magnet board I made was a nightmare, see the post about it. But the little magnet board I made was somewhat easier and I like it alot more. I made it to match my littlest's room but since I didn't have really good photos to put on it for display I put my oldest's one year photos. We are getting photos of the girls in a week or so, since my youngest will be one next month.

Anyway I really enjoyed making this even though finding the sheet metal the right size was a headache. They don't sell that size 8x8 in the hardware stores and they don't cut the metal in those stores either. I had to call three metal fabrication companies in Ogden before I found one that would cut the galvanized sheet metal to the size I wanted. They are called "All Metals Fabrication" if anyone is interested in getting some metal for a magnet board.

I've decided that for big magnet boards the easiest way to go is getting the big metal sheets in the store and cutting the metal to the size of whatever frame you have. Making a custom frame for it is harder than it looks or anyone makes it sound. It's much easier to buy a big sheet of metal and cut it with tin snippers to the size you want. The reason you can't do that for the little magnet boards is that if you do it the way I did above you want clean cuts that are straight and even.

I'm thinking that I did the entire project for $10 since I already had the ribbon and bought the stamp and buttons I used for my scrapbooking supply.

Anyway I am very proud of the way it turned out.

Spring Dresses!!!

2009-03-30T09:57:00.001-07:00

Everybody who knows me is aware that I am overly proud of the things I make. Call it a complex for attention driven by staying at home. I got the fabric above for free and one of the patterns for free. I finally decided that I was going to make matching dresses for my girls.

I went a little nuts and even made a matching dress for my daughters cabbage patch doll.

My oldest wants to wear her dress all day, every day. While our washer was out of commission I boycotted her wearing it because I didn't know if I'd be able to get it washed by Easter Sunday.

I am super excited for my girls to wear these on Easter and I'm going to take tons of pictures. I think matching dresses are so cute (I know some people find it too cutesy, but they aren't twins). Speaking of which my oldest brother just announced he is having twins, yeah!!! We are happy and sad for him all at the same time. I can't imagine trying to handle two babies at once. I really think it would kill me. Kudos to those who handle it. (That was for my mother in law because my husband is a twin)

Anyway, Happy Easter!!! I love the colors, dresses, candy and easter egg hunts. And of course the religious significance. Have a happy, bright couple of weeks!!!

I'm in love!!!! (no offense Dan)

2009-03-30T09:18:00.000-07:00

Yes they are the new loves of my life. I feel so incredibly spoiled. I mean I've dreamed of the day they and I could be together but I never really thought it was possible.

Too much, ok, but I really do adore my new washer and dryer. Just look at them, ah... I finally got to use them. They were delivered while I was out of town helping my sister with her new baby. Dan got to be the first to use them and I will always be jealous, to top it off he did all of the laundry while I was gone. It's a good thing I had a bunch of dirty stuff when I got home.

I know, I know melodrama is my middle name. But I am so thrilled. I actually used to almost hug these machines when walking by them at Lowes or Home Depot. After all they are gorgeous.

I guess there are some perks for having a washing machine bust mid load.

De-cluttering is the best!

2009-03-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to post pictures of my craft room with this post, especially because I just finished my girls spring dresses, made a bow board, and made a matching dress for my oldest's cabbage patch doll. But alas the cord for my camera is missing and the great pictures I've taken will just have to wait until I replace the cord. I also wanted to show off the look of my new and improved craft room.

My sister in law came over last Monday and made me get rid of half my art supplies/ old artwork, half my fabrics and the majority of my patterns. Most of the fabric and patterns I gave to goodwill were given to me by well meaning people. I just didn't like the fabric or patterns but couldn't part with them because well they were a gift. I also hold onto scraps of fabric forever thinking that there has got to be some way to use them because they are just so darn cute. My sister in law forced me to look at when if ever I would use them and if I wouldn't rather get new stuff when I have a new project. All of the scraps that are only big enough for Polly pocket clothing I tossed. I did the same with my scrapbooking supplies and let me tell you I feel so much better.

There is a book that same sister in law lent me called "Clutter be Gone" by Don Aslett (He's somewhat of a cleaning guru). It talks about how attached we get to things and stuff that really has no use. We hold onto junk for some possible future use or because we can't bear to get rid of something we paid for. There are millions of reasons he lists for why we hold onto things that take up much needed space in our lives. But the ultimate outcome is the same, the clutter begins to take over not only our space but our lives.

For example. I love to scrapbook, I do one scrapbook for each of my children that spans the first year of their life. This is a doable goal for me and I feel a nice gift of me for my kids. The problem was that I have so much scrapbook stuff that when I get it all out it takes over my house. It is all I can do for days (even with my own craft room), because I have to do it when it is out because it is such a hassle to put away. For that reason I rarely scrapbook. So my holding onto scraps of paper and old stickers that I no longer care for and have no reason to use ends up holding me back from pursuing a creative outlet that I sincerely enjoy.

I have now caught the bug. Each week I am assigning myself one area of my house that needs de-cluttering and then I am going to do it. I want to live like "things" are not dictating what I do and don't get accomplished in life. My next goal is my linen closet, it is a disaster and I know that I will feel like a new person when that project is taken care of.

Seriously all you women out there suffering from clutter, just get rid of it. It will sting for a moment but you will feel so much better. Thoreau said "It is desirable that a man be clad so simply ...that he live in all respects so compactly and preparedly , that, if an enemy take the town, he can, like the old philosopher, walk out the gate empty-handed without anxiety." I heard a story somewhere (since I'm not citing the source I can't vouch for it's authenticity) but it was about two different groups of men working on a damn. One was Native American and the other Average white Americans. There was a catastrophic flood one day that wiped out half the workers, surprisingly all were white men. When asked what happened the Native Americans replied "The White men ran for their money, and we ran to safety".

Don't let things and money rule your life. If you get a moment read Thoreau, or if you aren't into classic literature (it is hard to wade through, I read it because I had to for my degree) read one of Don Aslett's clutter books (he has several). Free yourself and live in such a way that you own your things and they don't own you.

Who's tired of being a grown up?

2009-03-14T12:55:00.000-07:00

So our washing machine just died!!!

I am so done with things breaking all at the same time. First the computer and now the washer. I didn't even get emotional or scared about the fact that my washer died right after our computer it just seemed to make sense. We finally buy a house and get in a position where we have no savings, my husbands company starts to scale back on bonus' while at the same time expecting him to triple the amount of additional service agreements he usually does and then things start dying. And I didn't even mention the fact that we barely just bought a second car (we'd been a one car family for almost four years). When it rains it pours.

I know I can't complain because no matter how bad or inconvenient it is for me, somebody has it worse.

I just sometimes go to bed wishing that I could be a child again and not worry about bills or insurance or even my waistline. Now I am realistic. I remember that being a kid was tough; so many things felt like the end of the world. I can't even remember how many times I would empty my toy box and climb inside wishing I never had to get out again (because I was so embarrassed over something I'd done). But I can't shake the feeling like I was so lucky when I didn't have to worry about grown-up problems.

Take for example calories. When I was little I never worried how many calories were in a piece of cake, but tonight at a barbecue at my parents house I couldn't not think about how much fat and sugar was in the frosting on a three layer carrot cake. I really didn't enjoy it as much as my daughter who ate it without the slightest thought given to the caloric index. She got home tonight and went to bed happy whereas I not only feel guilty about eating the cake but ontop of that I spent the entire night trying to figure out how we can afford a new washing machine. I was researching deals and trying to get enough information to put together a comparison worksheet so that sometime this month (before we run out of clean clothes) we can buy a new one.

I know, I know, the grass is always greener. But there have got to be some other people out there just as tired of being grownup as I am.

Computer trouble

2009-03-07T21:32:00.000-08:00

So right before we left for our family vacation our computer crapped out. The fan stopped working and I've been hesitant to use the computer because I've been worried about the computer crashing. My sweet husband has been working to get it fixed, but he is a very frugal man and doesn't want to spend any money (which also explains why he doesn't want to buy and new computer).

For a while my neighbor lent me her spare laptop and I got a few things done on the neighborhood blog. Right now I am typing on a laptop that my sister in law hated so much she bought a new one to get rid of it. I am thrilled that she disliked it so much because she felt so bad for me (cause my husband won't buy me a new computer) she gave it to me.

So I haven't written anything for a while. Now I'm going to try and get caught up on everybody's blogs but it may take time. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here I'm just suffering from the computer blues. We can't all have nice pretty ibooks like you Stacey (yes I'm jealous, but thanks for lending me your extra laptop).

Thanks!!!

2009-02-12T11:17:00.000-08:00

I wanted to say thank you to all those who commented so sweetly on my last blog. I will try and thank you all on your blogs, but I haven't had time yet to do that. I was having a very hard time and it was so nice to know that I'm not the only one. I think women talk about how they are feeling more than men because we want to know that we aren't alone in feeling sad or frustrated.

So many people out there put on a brave and happy facade when they face the world. I know that I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one who has problems. And I wonder why everyone else seems to be functioning so well while I am struggling so much. I think that from some of the responses I got to the last post I can generally assume that most women in the world go through similar struggles and commiserating about them brings sanity and a sense of relief.

I don't think anyone on this earth is perfect or has everything perfectly together, why should we hold ourselves up to that standard feeling like worthless women because we mess up or fall down a few times. I was talking with my mother and she was talking about how she struggled when she was a young mother and how she did so much wrong. I of course assuaged her fears and let her know she did a great job and I am grateful for what she did for me. She came back saying that there were a lot of times when she knows that she messed up and didn't do it right.

The truth is that not one of us who is a mother or even a person for that fact can unequivocally state that we never do anything wrong. The best and most together mother I have ever met messed up real big once and I know she was scared and embarrassed that it happened, but the kids were ok and the truth is that it gave me hope. If someone so incredibly without fault and with amazing kids can make a mistake then it's ok for me to make mistakes sometimes.

We all know that the most we can expect from our children is that they are constantly trying their best. Why shouldn't that be our rule too? If we are trying our best and doing the very most we can...well that should be enough.

I just think we should all be honest about our struggles. If we let someone know that it isn't all peaches and roses and that life sucks sometimes it can help people to feel less alone and scared. I was always told growing up that marriage wasn't picture perfect and that it is dang hard even if you are doing it right. That made me realistic about what I expected from marriage and the truth is that it has made me happier with my husband and my marriage. It is the same with children, if you tell people that children are always the brightest part of life, then you are setting someone up for failure. Yes children are wonderful and they do make life brighter and happier and inspire love that you didn't know existed...but they are hard. And raising them right means that they are going to tell you that they hate you and they are not going act like they love you all the time.

Let people know that your life isn't perfect. I know mine isn't. I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anybody else's. The same goes for my husband and my children. The truth is though that some days I can't stand my children, can't look at my husband and sometimes I have to leave the house for a girls night out or I feel like running away.

Sometimes we are all we have, women are the only ones who will ever understand women. We need to be there for each other and I want to say a heartfelt thank you to all the women who were there for me this last week. I needed to know that you are there and that you understand.

Anyone with me?

2009-02-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

So after a couple of frustrating weekends I've decided that I need to post something about how I'm feeling so that I don't go mad.

I am not the best person in the world, I'll freely admit that but I have had an especially hard time controlling my emotions lately. I can't stop fighting with my sweet husband and seem to find a reason to cry every time I leave the house.

I know that there is a lot personally that I need to work on to become the kind of person I would like to be. For instance I need to not be hurt when my family doesn't find me as interesting as my sister in law. That is petty and downright conceited, but it is hard to get over when I am struggling with feeling relevant in the first place. Everything is not about me and I get that (in my head); but for some reason I feel like a neglected child whenever I feel people aren't listening to me or start talking over top of me while I am speaking.

Verbiage is my canvas of choice and I know that I enjoy talking more than the average person. While most people can get exhausted by an hour of conversation, I by contrast get invigorated. It pumps me up and helps me evaluate all of the hours of internal dialogue that flow through me while I am cleaning, running on the treadmill or just blindly nodding and smiling at my three year old while she talks.

I think it is an innate female propensity to verbally dissect things and figure them out one at a time. Some women don't enjoy it at all but I think it's a more feminine quality than masculine. Whatever the reason it hurts me more than most people when I feel like nobody is finding what I say relevant or interesting. It's compounded by the fact that I am a stay at home mom and have a hard time feeling relevant by my own standards.

The other issue that has been plaguing me is that I blame my husband for things that he really has no control over. Like when I have a bad day and he doesn't notice that I'm miserable and doesn't say anything to me. I get irate because he should know that I need someone to talk to and help me out of my funk. But lets face it, how can he know he should do something if I don't tell him. I know it's my problem but for some reason I just can't rewire myself to tell him that I need him to uplift me.

I realize that I am rambling and not making a great deal of sense, but the fact is I have spent the majority of the last weekend crying over the two issues above. I know that they are my problem and that I need to learn to be a better person who doesn't compare how much my family prefers my sister in law to me. I also know that I need to stop being passive aggressive to my husband, especially when he has no idea what is going on.

Don't you guys sometimes hate being women?

So much estrogen, so little sense and a whole lotta tears and the end result: a mildly depressed woman all over something so little a man wouldn't have noticed it if you pointed it out for him.

Two fun? projects...

2009-02-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

Over the past week I did two projects. One that was a lot of fun and turned out well and the other that was well...if I was a swearing woman. The first project was a cake tasting for a wedding cake I am making in a few months. I made a marshmallow fondant and it turned out beautiful and if you want to see pictures click here to see them on my cake blog. As you can tell I am not a photographer by any means but below is a picture of a magnet board I've been working on (that was the second project).

This particular project seemed so easy at first. I decided I wanted to make one because I haven't found any place that sells them and the one I've seen for sale wasn't what I wanted or for a price I could afford. So I decided to make one. I scoured the internet for instructions and found many. I looked over them and decided that I could totally do it. So I roped my sister in law into making one too and we would build them together.

It all seemed to be going so well untill it came time to paint the frames. We really should have used spray paint but for some reason we chose another kind of paint. Well it was a cold day and we were having trouble with the paint. It wasn't drying. We used a blow drying to no avail and were flabbergasted that it wasn't drying. Well after looking more closely at the can we saw that it said that the paint wouldn't dry in very low temperatures. We had been painting in my garage (because we didn't want lots of fumes in the house). So after discovering our mistake we quickly brought the whole project inside and started praying that the paint would still dry.

Well it dryed but almost took two days! So we were very frustrated with the project already. Then it came time to glue the frame to the metal.

The internet instructions said to use liquid nails but they neglected to specify which type of liquid nails (yes I discovered that there are many different strengths and kinds). So after trying to glue the frame with (the wrong kind of) liquid nails my sister in law and I were at the end of our rope. It would not stick and finally we decided we had the wrong glue. So we researched what glue would work best and went to get it. Thankfully my sister in laws project started to work with the new glue, but because I had used the other glue on my project (even though I had tried to scrape the old glue off) mine would not stick. So I spent another two days rubbing and sanding trying to get the wrong glue off my project. Most of it I had to get off with my nails. At the end of this long process my hands were incredibly dry and almost bleeding from all of the washing and scraping of paint and glue. Even though my sister in laws project was finished and looked fantastic I almost felt no desire to finish my own magnet board.

Last night I finally just got fed up with looking at it and finished it. It looks pretty good I think, but I will never be able to look at it without getting a little angry.

No offense dog lovers...

2009-02-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

So I am tired...tired of being painted a villain simply because I am not fan of dogs. I am well aware that there are millions of people out there that LOVE their dogs. That is totally fine with me, I do think that dog people are extremely loving people who possess the ability to enjoy those slobbery creatures that are loud and messy. I am also aware that children are much like dogs (they are loud and messy and you do have to clean up their poo for a few years). The problem I have with dog people is that they are shocked and dismayed when anyone is a little threatened by their beloved dog.

The other night was Superbowl Sunday, an American pastime, icon whatever you want to call it. I am not a huge fan of football but I totally support my husbands wishes to watch that game (after all it only happens once a year). In my show of support I attended a party at my husband's brothers home. It was a fun night filled with food, fun and lots of laughs. We went to leave their house quite late. As we exited the house with two tired children in tow we saw two large dogs bounding towards us barking and snarling at us. My oldest has a phobia of dogs and she jumped into Daddy's arms screaming, while I was holding our nine month old and fumbling trying to open the front door while screaming myself. I got back into the house with my heart racing and found to my frustration a number of amused people.

The owner of the dogs lived next door and was a little flabbergasted that we might have a problem with two dogs running towards us as if in attack mode. Others found it funny that I was so scared. Now I'm not saying that anyone hurt my feelings (besides the dogs), because lets face it, the sight of a grown woman ready to fall into tears over two boxers is a little funny. Especially when the people familiar with the home and the dogs know that they are harmless and more bark than bite.

The frustration for me dawned when I collected myself and found myself terribly embarrassed by acting and feeling like a little girl again. My whole life I have been treated bemusedly because of my disaffection for canines. When I was little my aunts and uncles would laugh at me running into the house to avoid getting mauled by the many dogs running off leashes and out of fences in rural Canada. Even in the movies I watched growing up anyone who didn't like dogs was painted as the evil character. Whether it's Disney movies or romantic comedies. Women especially who freaked when the dogs bounded in were the characters who were unmasked as the seedy, city people who don't love anyone, let alone dogs. It is often the acid test in a romantic comedy or television show to see if the woman is really as good as she seems.

I am just so tired of feeling like a bad person because (I feel like I have to say it quietly because it feels evil even to think it) I just don't like dogs. I might be able to trace it back to an experience walking through a cow pasture one day when I was about 6 and two fighting dogs ran up to me and were basically fighting between my legs. My sweet three year old started disliking dogs around the time she was 18 months old and after entering a friends house a small dog jumped on her back and started assaulting her before I could snatch her up and save her.

Please don't hate me dog lovers. I love people and would never want to hurt any (person's) feelings. Just don't hate me because I am not an animal lover. And I want to stand up and say that it doesn't make me a bad person.

No response

2009-01-29T16:44:00.000-08:00

Ok so I'm not going to take it personally, but it seems nobody is interested in getting a free homemade something from me. I really don't mind that no one wants to do it because it is similar to those chain letters or emails where if you comment an action is required on your part. So no hard feelings. My friend did the pay it forward on her blog and I thought it sounded fun.

Instead how about everybody who reads this does something nice for someone else. Look around your house at what you can get rid of that might be of use to somebody who may be in need. There are so many people out there suffering from job losses and decreased living expenses. I think when the time is dire and you personally feel like you don't have much, that is the time to give.

Another rant

2009-01-26T15:00:00.000-08:00

So pardon me for always having an opinion on everything but I was thinking a lot about this subject this last weekend. I have been trying to get my house in order and de-junk by getting rid of things and activities we:

a. don't need (or)
b. don't have room/time for

In part of my effort I went to a successful mothering convention that had classes on organizing your home (and life) and classes on losing weight and various other ideas to get you motivated as a mother. I loved the convention and I am going for sure again next year. They had so many tips to help you get more done in a day and talked about getting rid of excuses and just finding the desire to make your life more what you want it to be. But as I was sitting there listening to women give ideas on how to save time by not taking as many trips upstairs while cleaning, and then listened to the next give motivation for exercise I felt that they were both missing the most important talent that women possess, multitasking.

Yes I am a believer that we should clean our houses everyday (even if I don't get it done all the time, by darn I try). And I also believe in trying to exercise every day. But I have discovered out of necessity that both can be incorporated into each other. Just like parking at the back of a parking lot can increase the number of calories you burn. Being a disjointed scatterbrained housewife can and does burn calories as well. I actually make an effort not to bring all my children's clothes up the stairs in the same trip after folding laundry. It is kind of fun bounding up the stairs as fast as I can only holding my daughter's shirts, and then bounding down again to get the items for the next drawer in her dresser. I have to admit that I think about the extra calories that I am burning. It is the same with cleaning up a room. I could put all the things that need to go upstairs in a basket and make one trip, granted that does make more sense. But if I run the toys upstairs one at a time I can actually feel my butt lifting (pardon the unpleasant mental image).

When I lived in my last apartment there were no stairs and again I took advantage of what was offered. There was a long narrow hallway from the front room to the bedrooms. I would just hold the laundry up on my chest and squat and do a basketball shuffle to the bedroom and then back to the get the next pile. The extra advantage to this calorie burning exercise is that if you think of how truly silly you must look you get an ab workout laughing at yourself.

One of the better tips at the convention was to categorize your shopping lists so that you get it done faster. The thing the presenter didn't count on was that I've tried doing that before and I find it more satisfying to run from one end of the store and back again several times. That not only (burns calories) but it tires out my three year old. See I get three things done at once. I get the shopping done, I get a free workout and I get a child that is ready to nap. And people say that children grow out of naps, they just don't know the appropriate schedule to ensure they will always take naps.

I know I am weird and part of me just doesn't want to listen to other people, but these are the things that were going through my mind as I sat and listened to these awesome speakers talk about really smart ideas. The realization I came to was that I am incredibly self centered and I also must have a short attention span and try and entertain myself when my attention lapses.

Anyway, all you scatterbrained housewives out there, take solace in the fact that you may not get things done as fast and efficiently as you could, but hey, you burn more calories and have a lot more fun.

Matching blankets

2009-01-26T14:42:00.001-08:00

Obviously these blankets don't match each other but they match their own corresponding paintings in the last post. The first matches the alligator and the second matches the Lion. I sized the blanket for my youngest so that it would fit perfect in her crib. My oldest's blanket I sized to fit her toddler bed. As you can see I don't think very far ahead. I figure that I'll just make bigger blankets for them when they are in bigger beds.
I'm kind of proud of these blankets because I designed them myself and mostly made them with remnant pieces of fabric that I buy whenever they are dirt cheap. So at the risk of sounding conceited I really wanted to show them off a little. You know how it is when you are a stay at home mom. You don't get a paycheck or bonus for what you do and you don't get grades to praise you when you do something well. I figure blogging is the only way to get praise or acknowledgement from your peers.

My girls paintings!

2009-01-20T09:40:00.001-08:00

So this blog is generally my writing blog but I have decided to start posting some of the other creative things that I do. I love to paint and these are two paintings I did for my girls for their rooms.

I love art but don't have alot of time to devote to it. The only reason that I was able to do these paintings is because I made them as presents for birthdays and Christmas. I also made matching blankets for them that I should post too. I just have to take pictures of them.

Too many words!

2009-01-15T08:12:00.000-08:00

Ok it's official. I talk too much. In what medium you may ask. The answer is complex, this blog, the phone, to neighbors, at church, around family... ok you get the picture. I am way too superfluous with my diction. So I am going to salute Walden today; I would like to post a poem. (Although Thoreau certainly didn't embrace simplicity in regards to words:-)

Romantic Walks Down Hospital Corridors

Diagonal tiles line the long hallway,
Alternating: green, cream, green, cream.
He is watching his purposeful shuffle,
Leaning heavily on the intravenous connection,
That mechanical being closer to him than her.

She is alone while walking beside him,
Chattering and squeezing his hand at irregular moments.
She does not make eye contact,
For her smile is unbelievable.

Meandering down one dark corridor,
She raises her hand, wiping his forehead;
She raises his hand, kissing his IV;
Their walking is what matters: nothing else exists.

Tana Horton (Vol. 23, Metaphor 2004)

The art of understanding

2009-01-06T10:43:00.000-08:00

It is no secret that tough times are upon us. Recently I was talking with someone who is suffering greatly from this worsening economic climate. She is going to have a baby in three months and her husband got laid off before Christmas. She is having a difficult time coping. Luckily she works in a profession where she will always be needed, but she is worried about what will happen when her baby comes and physically she will need to be there for her child. She wants to breastfeed and wants to only have to work a little. Unfortunately her husband is having a hard time finding a job. While talking with her I was trying to lessen her fears and help her maintain a positive attitude, for the sake of her baby. She is a very tough person and if there is anyone made to cope with challenges like this it is her, but it brought to mind a subject I have been pondering of late. The challenges each of us face always seem hard to us but they are either obvious or impossible for others to see. Each person has their own struggles. While it is easy to see that this particular person's struggles are great, it is harder for people to acknowledge that those who are struggling in different ways are indeed struggling.

I was relating to my brother how scared I was because someone my daughter plays with had lice. He almost laughed right into the phone. He said "If the worst thing you have to deal with right now is whether or not your daughter might have lice, than you've got it easy." While what he said was technically true there was a certain something missing in the delivery of his sentiment. It is difficult to be in a situation where everyone knows you are struggling, but I think it is just as hard to be in a situation where you are struggling and everyone suggests that you shouldn't be having a hard time. It is easy to feel for those who are struggling financially, but it is harder to feel for everyone who is struggling in their own ways.

Compassion shouldn't be reserved for a certain tax bracket. It is something everybody needs. Just because people make a lot of money or even just enough money it doesn't mean that they do not have challenges. Denying certain people compassion because they aren't struggling in the most obvious of ways is unfair and sometimes downright cruel.

Now I am not suggesting that my brother was being cruel to me. I think in that situation I needed a little perspective thrust upon me. It is very important to count blessings. When most of us were little were we not reminded that there were starving people in the world to ensure we appreciated meatloaf. It is important for every person to consider what is good about their lives. That is what I shared with the person who was struggling in the above situation, I tried to point out where she was blessed. It can help people to know that everything will be ok. But the delivery of perspective should be a delicate procedure. It should be tempered with compassion, so that they understand that they aren't crazy for being worried in the first place.

One of the greatest lessons I have ever learned is that people crave understanding. Even if a situation seems silly to have elicited a certain response, it was elicited. You cannot change the way you feel about something until you acknowledge how you feel about it. That is why I truly believe that trying to understand a person's situation is the absolute best way to help. Trying to walk in someone else's shoes is the best way to make someone feel better.

For example a few months ago my toddler threw a fit over eating a burger we bought for her one day. She told us "she quit" in regards to the burger. Now our immediate response was for her to "get over it" and eat. We had paid money for that burger and she was going to eat it. After stopping though and examining why she didn't want to eat it we discovered that it was overflowing with mustard. Really there was more mustard than burger. If we had stopped and wondered why she didn't want to eat the burger we would have discovered that and fixed the problem and she would have eaten her meal without any problem.

Now some people would say she shouldn't have reacted so strongly to such a small problem, but the reason the reaction was so strong was because their was no understanding. If we had inserted just a small does of understanding she probably wouldn't have thrown a fit in the first place.

My point, and I hope I have communicated it clearly, is that everyone should practice giving out more compassion and less advice. Even though it may seem (and it may really be true) that someone shouldn't complain about washing out poopy outfits, because in the grand scheme of things it's not really a horrible problem, it did make that person upset and compassion should be exercised. The best and sometimes only way for a person to be happy is for them to feel like they aren't crazy for having the feelings they have and then they will be free to try and improve their attitude towards their own personal trials.

Everybody struggles with different things. No one person's struggles corner the market on suffering. If money brought happiness than no movie stars would commit suicide or suffer from depression. Indeed some peoples struggles do take precedence over others, but that doesn't mean you should eliminate all compassion for anyone except those in dire need. I think the answer is to give higher percentages of compassion to those who are struggling to provide for their basic needs. Then give lower percentages of compassion (but still a percentage) to those who are struggling with less pressing issues.

I bet I can find more pieces than you!

2009-01-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

So Christmas and New years are over. Did you hear that, yeah that was a sigh of relief from me. I love the holidays, they are awesome. Family, friends, music, food, lights and who can forget chocolate (it has a separate category from food because it occupies a special place in my heart). But lets be realistic, being close to family for a long period of time has it's down side. My family is well informed, funny and extremely fun. I laugh ninety percent of the time I spend with them, which is a good workout considering the other ten percent I spend eating. The downside to such an entertaining group is part of what makes them fun, the competitive spirit.

This Christmas my brother and his wife and my sister and her husband traveled to stay with my parents during the holidays. I live close by and spent almost everyday of the last week there with my family and my girls. My older brother is a hardcore gamer and brought rumikub, scrabble, and sequence to play during his stay. My sister and her husband are into gaming as well and gave my brother a real estate game and brought St. Petersburg (with an extension) and a few other games I can't name off the top of my head.

A fun game here and there is really quite an enjoyable way to pass the time. The interesting thing about my family is that they seem to be competitive about who has the most stamina regarding board games. It seemed that every moment of the day needed a game going or my dear brother was unhappy. Even that would be tolerable if those playing didn't treat the games with deadly seriousness. Such is the case with my family. We are blessed (from both sides of the family) with intense competitive drives. This makes for at least one terribly happy player and several very unhappy losers. I must admit that I was one of the unhappy losers the majority of the time. I grew into darker shades of the least graceful loser as the days rolled by.

I really don't like myself when I get like that. Even as a child I would play games with my cousins and my aunts and uncles would be slack jawed at how brazenly broody I became if things didn't go my way. My sisters and I broke at least two doors in our house growing up because a game didn't go our way. For this reason I have tried (unsuccessfully) to stay away from board games. My friends would ask to play a game and I couldn't refuse because I was trying to build friendships. Then twenty minutes into the game I would start calling people "buts" and getting a look on my face that would scare any adult alive. Most of my friends were forgiving but a few would be so shocked that they would start laughing and taking pleasure in my own displeasure. So then my strategy changed for controlling my angst, win, at all costs. The only way to avoid my dirty little personality flaw was to avoid the circumstances under which it unveils. So I got to be very good at games, and only played with people who didn't care so that I could win as much as possible.

That strategy was a good one, with anyone except my family. Not only do my own siblings care more than life about winning, but all of them (with me as the exception) married people who incredulously seem to care about it too. The tension in my parents house seemed to rise with each game. For a while most of us tried to put on the uncaring face when we lost. That lasted a few days, then came the insults. Once they marched in it was over. So finally this last Monday I told my family that I was sick of games. I decided we were going to relax and do some puzzles and watch movies. Sounds like a good idea right, NOT. My dear, dear brother came downstairs and started to insult my sister and me on our puzzling skills. Then, oh my goodness, he looked at his watch and said "Whoever finds the most pieces in the next ten minutes is the best." Yeah, this is my family.

The capstone of the holidays was on New Years Eve. Finally all our family was together. My other brother and his wife came to join the rest of the group for our annual treasure hunt. Usually our family New Year's Eve treasure hunts are a group effort with a huge group of fifty or so searching for clues in the city and around the suburbs where my parents live. But of course this year my father was in charge. He always splits everyone into teams. Which usually works well if you consider for a long time the personalities of each person and carefully assemble the teams. But of course my father didn't want to make anyone mad and allowed everyone to make their own teams. This consisted of my siblings and I forming a team, and each of my fathers siblings to form teams with their families. This left the most competitive people in the family all on one team. It was an interesting night. Lets just say that we broke traffic laws, forced open a video store after closing time and defied the laws of physics to win the contest and we were not gracious winners.

So here is the question of the day: How on earth does one learn to control genetic programming that places extreme competitive natures in people who can't seem to handle it? If you figure it out, please let me know. I am at a loss and extremely embarrassed over my behavior this last week. How anyone puts up with me, I do not know. I guess it's a good thing my family is related to me, they have to love me. Even when I behave so poorly I can barely call my behavior adult.

I really do love my husband!

2008-12-23T07:58:00.000-08:00

So I've been informed that a few of my previous posts have been "hard" on my husband and kids. I would never mean to convey anything that suggests anything other than the fact that I love my family more than anything else in the world. In fact I am well aware that I have an amazing spouse. My sweet husband works tirelessly at providing the means for me to stay home with our beautiful children. He is actually a rather evolved male. He doesn't refer to the money he makes as his, or ever criticize me for spending it on necessities for our girls. When it comes to the housework that I do around the house, he never says anything when I fall behind or get on my case when the house is a disgusting mess. When I fall behind on the laundry instead of gently reminding me it needs to be done, he simply does a load. He's not quite at that place yet with the dishes, but you can't have everything eh?

Yes in many respects my husband is one if not the best of his gender. With our two girls I have opted to breastfeed and instead of insisting I get up in the middle of the night to get the baby when she needed or needs to be fed, he would voluntarily get up and bring her to me. Even in the mornings when I have an incredibly hard time getting up he often feeds our oldest and turns on PBS for her until I feel ready to get up and face the day. He changes diapers without complaint, often feeds the baby solids, and even handles disciplining our oldest when we are visiting parents or at church. Also, because I have been busy at church lately he takes the baby with him to class, instead of making me juggle her along with everything else I am doing.

He prays with me in the evening and reads scriptures to our children on Monday nights. I am never ever afraid to talk with him about any subject. He doesn't demand anything from me ever. In fact he is grateful for what I do and often asks what he can do to make my life easier. When I implemented a budget not only did he stick to it, but when the year changed he took his turn managing it while I was very pregnant and then after I had the baby. He supported me getting my degree even though it made it harder for him to get his.

He never says anything when I go through weight gain and loss during and after pregnancies. In fact no matter what I weight he always treats me the same, like he loves the way I look. He doesn't get all excited when I start exercising, like he is happy I'm finally going to be skinny again, instead he is happy that I take care of myself so that I can be around for a long time. He never looks or says anything about other women, in fact he goes out of his way to make me feel simultaneously like the only and the most beautiful woman in the room.

He puts up with my many... many hobbies, and never says anything about them except that I am so talented. I know I am sounding crazy or like I am exaggerating or something, but the truth is... my husband is one of a kind. It gets to a point that if I think too much about it, I am convinced that he is way too good for me. So sometimes yes I focus on the few tiny flaws he has, not because I don't love him, but because I love him so much. I want to make sure he is human and flawed, because I worry that he is so perfect... he could get taken away from me. Sorry this is coming out very sappy, but I did want the world to know what I truly think about my sweet amazing spouse, that he is the best person I know and the kind of person that makes me want to be better. I really do love him and I try and make his life as wonderful as it can be. Everything I do gets tied back to trying to make our home a heaven for him. I love my children, but I love my husband more. And I love my children more than life itself.

So I just want everyone out there reading this who has someone they feel this way about to tell them (privately, or publicly), that they're the best thing in their life. They need to hear it and everyone of us who is so incredibly lucky to have found someone to love, need to remind ourselves why we love that person. Marriages and relationships are hard. Families don't just stay together, they are glued together by people working on it every moment of every day. If the effort isn't there it doesn't take much to tear two people apart that truly do love each other. Remind yourself, and remind them that the greatest present you will get this year is having somebody to love.

It's NOT babysitting!!!

2008-12-16T15:37:00.000-08:00

OK, this has been bothering me for some time. There has been a few times as of late where my husband has needed to watch our two girls for some reason or other. He has had the devil of a time and is in a extremely rotten mood when I return home. Technically he hasn't used the term "babysitting" for these outings of mine but refers to it as tending. Either term is offensive and should be avoided by all husbands at all costs.

When someone takes part in making a child they do not get to call watching their own children "babysitting, tending"... or anything conveying the sentiment that they are watching someone else's children. The only two people on the planet that don't babysit your children are yourself and your spouse. I understand in blended families you run into the problem that both of you may have not participated in the making of said children. But the rule still stands. If you are a loving spouse who has promised to take care of that person, the children are an unwritten addendum.

So for everyone out there who has had the term "babysitting" thrown at them by their spouse or the other consenting party of the conception, take a stand! No longer suffer under the delusion that you are alone in the parenting of your children. It takes two people to make a baby, doesn't it follow that it takes two people to raise them. I know I am making a lot of out semantics, but sometimes making a slight change in the way you say something does completely change the meaning. This is one of those cases and should be treated as such. To my own husband I do want to say that he is trying, and I am grateful. He knows that he needs to change his attitude towards watching his own children. I just wanted to let all you semantically oppressed parents out there know there is hope for a fair tomorrow :-)

The Holidays are a confusing time

2008-12-05T16:36:00.000-08:00

So with black friday over and done and Christmas looming comercialism is staring me in the face daring me to a game of chicken. On the one hand I think that getting presents for my daughters is a good thing. In the days when I was growing up it was ok to let your children roam the neighborhood going from house to house looking for a playmate, but today things are different. They need to play closer to home and we need to keep close tabs on them to keep them safe. This new model of parenting presents a real conundrum, how many toys does a child need?

While I was growing up I had a few toys that I shared with all six of my brothers and sisters. Mostly what I played with was boxes to make houses or cars for the toys. Or I would go outside and build things with sticks and mud and random things from nature. It helped that outside my front door was the wonderous world of the Canadian rockies in breathtaking British Columbia. My problem, and I'm sure many mothers face the same one, is that I want my child to have a wonderland to play in at home. Basically still a child myself I get about as excited as my daughter when we visit the toy aisle. It takes all the restraint I have, and the knowlege of my meager bank balance, to keep me in check when we visit the store. But the problem gets ever so much worse around Christmas. This is the time to get presents to keep her busy during the next year. At least on her birthday I can get her toys to play with outside. At Christmas the weather is not very conducive to outdoor play, at least not for long periods of time. Also I figure that the more toys she has to play with the less time she spends watching television (which as a goal I only want her to watch 1 hour per day).

So here is where I stand today, desperate not to spoil my little girl, and yet desperate to give her the tools to entertain herself and enrich her mind with imaginative play. What to do...What to do? So far I think I've stopped short of spoiling her but the problem is I have to stop and with 8 days left to Christmas, can I make it?

The cliche truth

2008-10-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

You can't have it all. These days if you are a realist, you are touted as a dream killer. I do believe in reaching for the stars, but I am realistic enough to know that you might fall on your butt trying. Of course it is better to reach as high as you can, raising expectations produces better results. Then again stretching yourself too thin depletes all your energy and makes everything you do suffer. What I want to discuss is the unrealistic assumption out there that women can have it all.

There is a problem with today's society not only telling women to have it all, but expecting it of them. And if a women has problems with this unattainable goal they are subjected to the ridicule of the world. Lets specifically address the debate between stay at home vs. working moms. The truth simply is that regardless of what you choose you will suffer guilt and one thing or the other will suffer in quality. Stay at home mothers suffer guilt that they aren't fulfilling their dreams and are not setting that example for their children. Working mothers, even if they are extremely successful, suffer the guilt of not being with their children. Anyone, or I guess I should say any mother who has watched other people's children, knows that no matter how hard you try, you cannot feel about other children they way you feel about your own. The cliche that no one loves you like your mother is sooooo true. So either choice elicits guilt. And those that try to walk the middle road trying to devote time to both still find that there is guilt for time spent away from children, and time spent away from a career. You will always be the one missing promotions and not advancing as fast as full time coworkers. You will always be the one who isn't a full time mom. You are neither here nor there.

I am not saying that any one choice is better than another. I think that any choice you make has a detrimental effect on you and your children. It may sound harsh or pessimistic, but I am trying to liberate women. Stop expecting that having it all is a standard you must reach. Accept the fact that no matter what you do, you are going to suffer some ill effects in some way. Figure out what guilt you can deal with and try focusing on different things at different times. Expecting women to do it all and still look cute at the end of the day doesn't result in happier women; all it does is reduce the quality of those women.

My mother asked me the other day if she thought my family suffered during the time I was desperately trying to finish my degree. I told her that of course they did, but that was in my mind justifiable suffering, because the suffering would be much worse if I ended up a single mom and didn't have a degree. I've been trying to explain this concept to my husband. He is so depressed that he can't spend very much time with his children and wife, because of his school. The truth is he is right. His relationships with our daughters and our marriage does suffer when he devotes the majority of his time to work and school. The bottom line is though that it is the greater good to have him finish his degree, and in the long run it will be better for our family to have the primary provider's school finished.

This is even true with two children. The horrid conclusion that I have come to is that I can't possibly satisfy the needs of both my children at once. My three year old won't get a story read to her while I am changing my youngest's diaper. And my youngest will have to cry a little while I make lunch for my oldest. But the alternative of only having one child does a disservice to your children as well. They will be spoiled and not learn neccessary skills like sharing and the ability to love another child.

I realize that this a negative way to view the situation, but guilt plagues the modern woman like inequality plagued her 50 years ago. Every mother I know feels it and every special on tv reinforces my belief that there is a problem in this country of expecting way too much from women. We were not liberated just to enslave ourselves by our own expectations. The idea of having everything we want right now without sacrificing at all is laughable. We need to free ourselves from the false idea that we need to have it all at once. Maybe we can have it all, but not all at the same time. A little now and a little later will have to suffice.

Random thoughts

2008-10-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

Here are my 7 random thoughts

1. I hate negativity but can't get my mind to be positive.

2. Being a realist opens my eyes to see what's right in front of me but closes my eyes to many possibilities of how things could be.

3. Babies are cute, but they just poo and throw up way too much.

4. I love my family, my husband and kids, and my sisters, brothers and parents. I don't know if I have more fun than with those people who understand and accept me the most. (p.s. Patrice, I consider you a sister)

5. Marriage is difficult but it seems much easier when both partners accept it's difficulty.

6. I used to see things like folding my husbands socks the way he wanted was offensive to me and women everywhere, now I truly want to do it for him because I love him so much.

7. Jane Eyre used to be my hero, but of late my new hero is Erma Bombeck. She just got mothers and wrote words of wisdom that I believe will stand the test of time.

Poopy hands

2008-10-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

While washing out the third poopy outfit of the day I looked down at my hands. Yellowy white from spray and wash and poo they didn't look like my hands anymore. Of course newborn poo isn't as bad as toddler poo and I thanked the Lord again that my three year old was finally potty trained. But the facts still remained that poo is poo and three times that day my hands were swimming in it.

The problem is that this is a fundamental part of my job requirements. I tried to explain to my husband that this bothers me. He fought back saying that there were parts of his job that he didn't like, but lets face it they don't include feces or defecation of any kind.

There are many irreconcilable problems with being a professional mother. Excrement is the least of these problems but it is a terrific catalyst for renewing the debate in my mind over how worth it this all is. Of course I love my children, more than anything in the world besides my husband but I don't want them to grow up thinking that they have to feel cloistered and unimportant. The other side of it though is that there isn't any greater joy or sense of fulfillment than what comes from raising children.

The thing that I keep going back to is that there are so many aspects of raising children that are degrading. Like washing out poopy clothes or being covered in throwup. When people ask what you do and you motion towards the two little cuties hanging off you, there is pity and then a little humor lingering in their eyes. After my first daughter was born I loved being able to say that I was a student and a stay at home mom. After I graduated I was a little sad to have only one title and that it was mom. I guess some of us can't get over the need for the accolades of society and the feeling that what you do is valued in other people eyes.

That's what it comes down to is where you feel your worth. If it is based on what others think of you, being a mom isn't going to satisfy your desire for validation. So I guess where that leaves me is changing the source of validation, without that change I can't hope to feel better about myself. I can only guess that changing the way I build my self worth won't happen overnight. Until that happens I will have to content myself with trying to laugh at the image of poopy spray and wash coating my hands several times a day. After all there is humor there, it's just harder to see through the foggy glasses of self pity.

Homemaker vs. Breadwinner

2008-09-19T10:07:00.001-07:00

This is for all you stay at home moms out there and for the men that love them.

My sister in law posed a hypothetical situation to me yesterday that started the rusty wheels in my brain to turn again.

Pretend for a moment that you have to go to work. You are the person who needs to earn the money in your family. But you still have your children. In this hypothetical situation you are able to leave your children with a person who is the most suited to raising your children the way you would. In fact they are better equipped to raise your children and they will most likely do a better job than you could. Not only that but they love your children just as much if not more than you do. You know that your children are safe with this person not only that but you know that they would lay down their very life before letting any harm befall your children.

Now this person you leave your children with doesn’t just take care of your children but also while you are at work they clean your house top to bottom and do all of your laundry and put it away. You get to come home to a nice hot meal that you eat with your children. After which this person does the cleanup so that you can spend some quality time with your children playing outside or helping them with their homework.

Now with a situation like this you inevitably would still feel guilt about leaving your children at home and not spending every moment you can with them but it would be the absolute least amount of guilt possible considering how well taken care of they and you are in return. How many of you out there would jump at the chance to work outside the home if such a situation was possible? I know I would.

Now go and tell your husband how lucky he is to live in that hypothetical world.

Before you laugh and say how true I want to present another hypothetical situation.

Pretend for a moment that you are a man and that you live in a world where someone else shoulders the entire financial burden for your family. You do not have to worry about where the money is going to come from to pay the bills it is just there every month. This person voluntarily gets up every day and drives in bumper to bumper traffic to get to a building with very few windows to sit in a tiny cubicle with artificial lighting. They do this so that you can stay home with your children. You feel no guilt at all over where your children are because they are with you.

This person also comes home just at the point where you are ready to throttle your children and takes them off your hands. You get as much access to your children as you could ever wish and have that person help when you have had too much.

For men or I should rather say fathers, because there is a difference, this situation sounds just as appealing as the above situation sounds to us mothers. Many feel they would love to live in that hypothetical world because they love their children just as much as we do (so they say, they didn’t carry them for nine months and nurse them so I still have my doubts). Nevertheless they feel just as much guilt about leaving their children as we would if the situation were swtiched. But for either a homemaker or a breadwinner to truly understand how lucky the other person is they would have to switch places, which for most of us isn’t going to happen. So lets chalk it up to the grass is always greener, but still remember how it felt for that moment when we realized even a tiny little bit how lucky we are to have a partner to make our lives a hypothetical heaven.

Thoughts on interference

2008-09-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

I hate the absent presence of people,
talking to no one and ignoring all,
they yell at nothingness never mindful,
waiting for their next call.

-Tana Horton

Poetry defined

2008-09-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

I have a folder in my documents that is entitled poetry. While perusing it today I saw a letter that I was asked to write on the occasion of my husband and I buying our first house. I put it in that folder for a specific reason and would like to share it with all of you.

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been informed that I need to verify my employment status or lack thereof. This letter is to convey that although I do get up every morning and pursue a rigorous schedule of multitasking throughout the day, I am not currently employed for the purpose of monetary gain. I also would like to make it clear that I do not intend in the near future to secure employment that provides a steady paycheck. I would prefer to stay “unemployed” and spend my days controlling riots, conflict mediating, preparing banquets and teaching classes in etiquette, academics and numerous other subjects, which do not need naming at this time. But for all my chosen profession requires of me, I want to make it clear that I do not receive monetary compensation.

If there is any need for clarification of my current lack of “compensation”, or further details about my job description I would be happy to answer questions.

Best regards,

Tana Lorraine Horton
Homemaker

The falls

2008-09-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

Hello blogging world

2008-09-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

I have never "blogged" before (oh my, I can't believe I used that as a verb). I am not computer savvy by any means so bear with me. But I love to write and this seems like the first step to getting your writing read. It's a new world out there baby and I've got to keep up with it.

In high school I was known as the girl who fought against using the internet. It scared me and I still believe there was good reason to be scared. Though I have discovered in the short six years since high school that avenues like the internet can be used both for good and bad. So here is to the possibilities of the internet.

I am sending my voice out into the great beyond. Only time will tell if there is anyone interested in what I have to say. If it is possible for a simple stay at home mother to have anything note worthy floating around in her brain then it is my duty nay obligation to share those points of interest with the world at large.