Which side is more Charitable?

I saw a post on facebook the other day from a left leaning friend, it stated that they could understand why rich people were republican, but why on earth were there all these low income republicans.  After all policies that help the poor are Democratic.  Republicans support tax breaks for big businesses and wealthy individuals and the theory is that with them having more money and less regulations the poor will have more jobs.  Their thought process is that people should be required to work for what they have, end handouts, end programs that help people afford higher education.  I have heard over and over that if the government would just get out of everything free enterprise would take care of all the needs of the people.

So it makes sense why most left leaning individuals are shocked when poor, religious people are die hard republicans.  The obvious answer is that rich or poor if you don't believe in Abortion and do believe in traditional family the Republican platform is the only choice that meshes with conservative values.  For years I've believed this is the only reason so many people in my religious sphere are Republican.  But the other night my father came home from a fundraiser for the governor of Utah.  Set aside the fact that it was a $500 a plate dinner and that grown adults were dressed like they were attending the prom?!? He summarized a speech made by supporters of the governor that touted how superior our state was, all because it is run in a republican fashion.

According to CNN money our state has the 9th lowest unemployment in the country.  Sitting at 5.8% that is far below the national average at 8.1% (Bureau of Labor Statistics).  Just looking at unemployment our state is doing much better than the rest of the country.  And just like the economic success of the Clinton era current government could make the case that economic policies are responsible for job growth.  I'm not saying they are not but I think this is one reason poor republicans believe that leaving the private sector private will benefit them.  Business's like to move to states (or countries) that benefit their bottom line.  This is a strong argument for right wing economic policies.

State average income levels for 2011 were at $39,811 (Utah.gov), while the National average income levels sat at $59,606.  So it is clear that while unemployment is down, salaries for those employed are not at the national average.  So there are employed poor in this state.  But we are also a highly educated state. We sit 11th in the country in bachelor's degrees among populace, almost 30%.  While we are ranked 11th in High school graduation, sitting at 90%.  State officials could make the case that we employ people and educate them better than most of the country.

 I live in an area of lower income, as evidenced by housing prices in the area and that our elementary school is a Title 1 school (which is determined by the number of student's eligible for free or reduced school lunch). Since our state seems to employ many people at low to middle incomes in this state it makes one wonder why those people would not elect people who believe in helps for the middle to lower class.  After all I know a number of gainfully employed people who while going to school were on food stamps, and medicaid.  Many had their children for free and a large number of my acquaintance used the program WIC.  And yet those same individuals believe that food stamps and government handouts should be done away with at the federal level (which really means at any government level). After all a less government approach at the Federal level translates to a less government approach at the state level, it is ideological and translates across Federal and State lines.

Lets look for a moment at the reasons why a state may be successful at employing and educating it's populace.  Yes, it may be due in part to economic polices of less taxation of the rich and large companies.  It may be due to policies that discourage government involvment in social programs and more responsibility on the community.  But wait, if the responsibility for the poor, elderly and mentally ill is placed on the community, then the community has to be fiscally able and charity minded enough to handle that responsibilty.  Which brings me to the real reason poor, religious people are Republican.  In this state we have a large segment of the population that self taxes themselves at 10% by paying tithing that goes towards a massive welfare program run by a religous organization.  Not only that but within neighborhoods you have a large segment of populace who donates monthly to an immediate relief fund that helps neighbors that cannot afford food, shelter, healthcare and other necessities.

Essentially the Republican viewpoint only works if you have communities that are willing and able to care for their own.  They do take care of their own, but they also assume that everyone else in the country live in communities that are able and willing to take care of those who cannot (or will not) care for themselves.  That is why in my opinion poor, religious individuals are essentially permanent optimists in their frame of mind.  After all it takes an incredibly secure belief in the goodness of human nature and the voluntary distribution of wealth to really believe that there does not need to be a basic standard of decency enforced by the government.

I believe the Republican way of governing works in our state, not because the theory is sound, but because the populace is hardworking and voluntarily charitable.  Also there are many people who are abnormally rich and their income (that they volluntarily tax for the poor) helps supplement the large number of poor.

The question then comes naturally, what if there are communities where people are not able to take care of their own?  Or a scarier question. What if they aren't willing to take care of their own?  That is a new point of view and honestly it makes those "bleeding heart" liberals pessimists who don't believe in the inherent goodness and philanthropic natures of the rest of the world.  Yes they suggest everyone, whether they want to or not should pay for those who cannot care for themselves.  Liberals believe that people and corporations are greedy and heartless, and need to be regulated so that people don't die on the streets due to a lack of sympathy.  They require children be fed healthy food in schools because they believe (with good cause) that most parents raise obese, unhealthy children and when left without regulations will run wild.

I am flabbergasted when good, Christian people oppose good things on the principle that they would do that anyway and they shouldn't be required.  While that may be true, it isn't a cure all because not every community, not every individual thinks that way. 

Now I am not a Liberal, nor am I a Conservative.  I believe that we have to take things from both schools of thoughts and make good decisions.  I think things will be better if we stopped emphasizing why the other side is wrong and start trying to understand why the other side thinks the way they do.  Believe it or not people have good reasons why they support those political stances.  Not everybody who disagrees is ignorant and uniformed.  It is not that everybody has to fence sit or change their side of the fence, just open their eyes to those on the other side and recognize their humanity.  After all both sides reflect people who care about other people.

Mario Princess Party! For less than $40

My eldest wanted a Mario Party for her seventh birthday.  I waited to see if she would change her mind.   She is very girly and usually does a princess theme for her parties.  But she borrowed a wii game Mario Party 8 from some cousins and fell in love with it.  She insisted that she wanted her party to be a Mario Party and even told me several times that she wanted the sign to read "Happy Mario Party 8, 7th Birthday Hannah"  I convinced her that a sign that read that way would be terribly confusing and I got her to agree to a simple "Happy Mario Party" sign.  We did so many fun things for this party and I just had to share with the blogging world just in case any other moms wanted to see how to change things up for a girl and still do a totally Super party.

 At first my daughter wanted a princess peach cake, at the last minute she changed her mind because she desperately wanted to tell her friends they were going to eat Mario....go figure right.  But I make the cake design by frosting it smoothly with buttercream.  The design is not freehand.  If you take a piece of parchment paper and put it over a picture of what you want on the cake and then pipe it with clear piping gel and then flip it over on the top of the cake you have a lovely guide to your picture and it works with almost anything.  I've done strawberry shortcake, tinkerbell, tangled, winnie the pooh.  Anything there is a picture of you can do this kind of cake, fairly easy.

 Okay the stars I was rather proud of.  A friend lent me her chocolate molds and I made the yellow stars and then at her sugggestion I cut out some pieces of yellow construction paper glued on a free printable Mario Star and stapeled them over the bags the stars were in.  I meant them as prizes for party games but not every child who was invited showed up so I was able to put one bag of stars in each childs party bag.

 Chocolate mustaches....yeah so freaking awesome and the girls loved them as much or more than the boys.  I did make Mario and Luigi hats out of felt (same friend had a pattern she lent me and extra felt from when she made these for her boys party).  I made crowns for the girls in case they wanted to be Princess Peach or Princess Daisy.  Many girls actually preferred to wear the fake mustaches and Mario or Luigi hats, go figure.

 I boiled some eggs for a game of hold the yoshi egg on a spoon while you run to the end of the yard and back.

 My amazing friend has a super large vinyl cutter and she whipped this up for me in about five minutes.  We cut out as many black mustaches as there were kids and each kid got a turn pinning the mustache on.

 I ended up making cupcakes and a cake because we had grandparents coming over for cake and icecream later that night.  The cupcakes were for the kids and by chance I saw this glass etched by my little brother in art class and I made him lend it to me for the party.  Isn't it cute?

Possibly my most favorite part of this party was the question mark pinata. Seriously how awesome is that.  It was filled with little baggies full of GOLD COINS!! yeah I geeked out over that, but I also bought some cheap hard candy that looked like the candy they sell in the Mario Party 8 game.

For added character (aren't I punny) I made sure pictures of Mario characters were all over the walls and doors.  My little brother drew that sign freehand just fifteen minutes before the party started.  I also (thanks to pinterest) found a place online where you can download and print he-res pictures of Mario Characters on my home printer.  I just printed them on cardstock cut them out and then stuck them to the wall with good ole' fashioned blue sticky tack.  Originally I spend fifteen dollars at hobby lobby for wall stickers untill my friends reminded me I could make my own (I returned those and spent a considerable amount less on the party:-) So my party total, are you ready, it was less than $40*.  Now that does not include my gift for my little Mario Princess.  Getting her the Mario Party 8 wii game doubled my party cost.  But that was the only present I bought her.  I did spoil her and make her a few dresses, hats and shoes for her fake American Girl doll but that didn't cost me anything because I was given the fabric for free and had some patterns on hand.

 

*Side note.  It cost me very little for this party because I had much of the supplies to make things on hand.  I made the cake from scratch because my daughter wanted a vanilla cake, to go along with her vanilla icecream.  I had the construction paper for the sign and printed off the letters on my printer (with ink I already had).  The Mario mustache game was done for free just because my friend is awesome.  And my awesome friend also lent me some leftover colored chocolate to make the treats.  And obviously the ink used for printing off the characters cost money but I didn't count the cost because I already had the ink.  The point is you can do a cheap party if you make things with supplies you already have.

Rich or Poor?

There has been quite a bit of talk (people, newspapers and blogs) about whether or not we ought to have an insanely rich president.  I read a great article about how many of our presidents in the past have been very wealthy and adjusting for inflation Mitt Romney would only be the second richest president we've ever had.

Why do people get upset over somebody rich being president?  Why didn't everyone get upset over Obama and his money, after all he is pretty rich himself?  I will attempt to answer these questions in my own little blog corner of the world because it is something I've been postulating myself.

Poor people don't like to think somebody will be in charge of shaping economic policies who doesn't understand the concerns of the average Joe.  This seems to be a well known fact, but why?  A recent article in the Deseret News by Doug Robinson said sarcastically "We need Joe Average in Washington. We need someone we can connect with, someone like our neighbor or the guy up the street who parks his car on the lawn."  After all what is wrong with somebody who's used to handling large sums of money in charge of our fiscal and political future?

After much consideration I believe I have an answer of some sort to all those questions.  You see I come from a poor family.  My opinion can literally be called a humble opinion because I have lived beneath the poverty line for the majority of my childhood and young adult life.  Because I grew up without new clothes; or fancy yogurt that wasn't about to expire....because of that background I have the slightest problem with people who come from money.  It's similar to the problems women who are struggling with infertility have with those who blink and get pregnant.  Lack of empathy lends towards making comments that are ill-timed, inappropriate and downright hurtful.  Should that mean that those who have no true empathy should not be allowed to talk to those who are hurting?  Now that would be just silly, but in a few historical cases when those in power live far beyond those they rule over it has caused....complications (to say the least).

I recently had the opportunity to go to Paris (not so poor anymore, some of you may say;-)  While there I was able to visit the incomparable Palace at Versailles.  I'm not a history buff but I was always fascinated by French Revolution.  Let's look for one instant at Marie Antoinette.  She is famous for two things.  Famously saying "Let them eat cake" when she heard the peasants were starving.  And the other thing she is famous for is getting her head cut off because the peasants were mad at her.  My husband and I walked with a crowded group of people through the King and Queen's bedroom's and other rooms.  One room used to be where the King and Queen used to eat their dinners.  The common folk were allowed to come on certain days and watch them eat.  It was quite a popular event and many would come from far and near to view the richest people in the country....eat.

It seems fairly clear to me from Marie Antoinette's experience that "being out of touch with the common man" can have some serious side effects.  When in a position of power it would be extremely important to understand how the other half of the world lives.  Whether rich or poor if you haven't seen both sides of the fence it seems like there is a possibility of not being able to assess their concerns while making very serious decisions.

Which brings me back to my aversion to those who are raised with money.  I have different feelings towards them than I do towards those who were raised poor and then through hard work have become incredibly wealthy.  It's not the money itself that makes me uncomfortable around them, it is their completely unrealistic view of the world.

This is what bothers me the most about Mitt Romney.  Now I know logically it isn't his fault his family has had serious money for generations but something within me cringes when I think of a modern day aristocracy in charge.  I don't want somebody who's never wanted for anything ever to tell the poorest of the poor that they don't deserve to have the government pay for their insurance.  I have an even bigger problem with somebody who's been a very rich CEO and who's daddy was a rich CEO tell us that we shouldn't tax the richest of the rich as much as we tax the average Joe.

It's not their money that makes people distrustful it is living one's entire life in the lap of luxury and then assuming that you know how to govern the poor slobs below you that weren't that lucky or that smart.

I don't follow politics that closely, mostly because it turns my stomach how much everybody beats up on each other.  Tearing each other down, criticizing, picking at and emphasizing each others weaknesses and bragging about your own abilities seems incredibly un-Christian.

This post is not intended to recommend that anyone not vote for Romney or for anyone to vote for Romney.  I just wanted to explore for myself why people are so against having a really rich president.  Personally I think it would be better to have a rich president who has also been poor, but that doesn't mean Romney wouldn't do a good job.  I felt (and now feel) more positively towards Obama simply because he has proven that he is smart because he came from very little and made something of himself despite his humble origins.

If you have an opposing opinion to mine and want to criticize my admittedly "humble" opinion, please be kind.  I have a hard time taking criticism myself and would appreciate hearing opposing opinions if stated kindly (not that many people read this little blog anyway, but just in case:-)

Today or to be more precise yesterday sucked!!

It is midnight and I am writing a blog post.  What does that say about me, my mind or my life?  I am so....frustrated sometimes with the way that life turns out.  I am so tired of feeling like my feelings are wrong, sometimes I really just want to be right.  Well if I'm being honest I always want to feel right.  Lately though it feels as if every feeling I have I know I shouldn't feel.

There are times when I am glad that very few people read this.  There was a time when I wanted some sort of notoriety or notice from the world at large or from a sizable group of people.  At this point right now I am incredibly glad that there are only a handful of people who care what I have to say.  I've seen a few semi famous bloggers and seen people attack every little thing they say, do or post.  It saddens me that it is easier to be harsh and hurtful over the Internet than anyone could be in person.  Well anyway that is one of many reasons that I feel safe writing to a few seemingly interested folk.  It is nice to feel heard, by a few strangers and a few people who know me and all of whom will be kind and forgiving of anything I post here.

I had a horrible start to my day today.  I woke up late and besides not having time to get ready for church I realized that; due to very recent instructions from regional ecclesiastical leaders regarding what I can and can't use to teach children songs; all of the things I prepared for use were not going to fit within the rigid guidelines they set. Scrambling for some last minute changes proved too much of a challenge to actually arrive at church on time.  Coming in late I found an entirely new set of leaders sitting on the stand.  A man who I had never before laid eyes on was my new ecclesiastical leader.  I just wasn't expecting it; I knew that they might change the leadership but I expected that since I had been living in this area for almost four years that I would have at the very least heard of or seen the man before.  I got over the shock and attempted to adjust my mind to the new reality.  That done, I worked my hardest to teach the children a new song; it went OK.  I was on my way home feeling better.  It wasn't what I had expected of that day but I was feeling better about things.

Then I walked up to the front of my house and realized I didn't have our garage door opener.....I had left through the garage so I knew I brought it with me to church but I did not have it when I got home.  I walked back to the church and got on my hands and knees looking for it amongst the pews; after checking with the lost and found I staggered back home dejected.  My children just seemed to get on my nerves and despite my husbands best efforts at being understanding I was beyond the point of dealing with things anymore.

I threw a fit and went to my room and napped.  I didn't want to deal with the kids, I didn't want to talk to my husband and I certainly didn't want to think about all the things my mind insisted on thinking about.

After a long nap  I got up and prepared a meal for my family and grudgingly watched them play a gaming system that I never thought I would have in my home.  When the kids finally went to sleep I breathed a sigh of relief.  Perhaps without the audience of little children I'd feel less encumbered and more able to wind down and get ready to face another week of life.  Then it happened.

I am not shocked anymore when I hear my sister is in the hospital.  It is a common part of life now.  But I will never get used to talking to my mother on the phone about it.....she is so heartbroken, she is so worn down......it is always too much to deal with.

Informing my family that we are dealing with the same thing, yet again is never something I will get used to either.  And this is the first time that I have to let my missionary sister know over an email that her sister is feeling so alone, desperate and scared that she is not safe being outside of a hospital. 

I hate feeling annoyed every time I get the call.  If my first reaction was always one of love, support and charity perhaps I might not feel like the scum of the earth.  But I am beginning to automatically roll my eyes when I hear the words.......

Why can't I feel the emotions I should feel when I get slammed with something?  Why can't I be the person who feels nothing but love and acceptance all the time?  I want to be better.   I want to be so much more than what I am.....and right now I feel weak, tired and too run down to navigate life with even the least amount of dignity.

I don't want to feel like my sister is a burden....but I do.  I don't want to feel tired of my children and husband...but I do.  I don't want to feel annoyed because I don't know my new leader......but I do.  I don't want to feel so weighed down by feelings and emotions that I can't sleep because my mind won't stop deconstructing my world and coming up with the same conclusions.

It all just jumbles into a giant haze.  Or actually it is really simple.  I just have to stop when I think something and decide whether or not it is something I want to be thinking and then if it isn't who I want to be find a way to get rid of those thoughts.  But it isn't easy and it so often involves talking to a good friend.  Not because my husband won't discuss it with me....but he always says the wrong thing.  Always unintentionally of course but I just can't talk to him about things where I feel so emotionally unstable and upset at myself for my feelings.

Perhaps that's why I like to "complain" on my blog at times.  I want somebody to hear me....I want to know that somebody out there possibly feels the same way and relates.  Really I count myself lucky that I don't write to a large audience, because I have no desire whatsoever to hear anybody tell me that I am a bad person or that what I am dealing with is nothing compared to somebody else.

I just had a crummy day and I needed a (safe) place to look at it, as objectively as I can.  And it really doesn't hurt that a few people actually read this because they care about me, my sanity and sometimes about the originality or even honesty of my thoughts.

Peace out friends and here's hoping tomorrow will be just a little brighter than today was:-)

Marriage tips ;)

Pinterest lately has been spinning with many tips for happy marriages. I know that a lot of people just repin things without looking at the link (I do that myself) but I have got to say that after actually going to a few of those sites and reading what those crackpots say I get a little bent out of shape. There are people writing suggestions and professing to be marriage experts who have not had any kids, have been married only a year or two or are of a very young age.

I want to preface my statements today by assuring you that I am no marriage expert. I have been married almost 9 yrs. to a wonderful man, who is not perfect...but that's OK because I am far from perfect as well. As much as I believe I know about a happy marriage, I acknowledge that I really know nothing at all.

First of all I think women need to take a step back when reading suggestions from other women on marriage and view them as opinions, from people who have neither a counseling degree nor the wisdom of decades of experience. Whatever one person says about marriage, it may or may not be an accurate portrayal of reality. Another statement to add is that you have no idea whether they are or are not even still married to this person they are flouting as perfect.

People who are honest about life, acknowledge that there are times and seasons to everything, including marital bliss. Being happy has as much to do with suffering through well calculated insults, dreading your spouse coming home and having a hard time looking at them without feelings resembling hate; as it does with constantly thinking of the other’s needs, showing devotion through actions as well as words and even having constant physical intimacy.

Perseverance is as important as positive thoughts, leaping at the first chance to get away from your spouse is as important as loving every moment you spend with them. Yes it is good to focus on all the things you can do to show love, but don't get caught up in believing that therein lays the secret to happiness. There are two sides to every equation, and negativity exists; ignoring the hard things in marriage suggests to those you interact with that if there is any negativity or hard things there is something wrong with a relationship. A normal, healthy relationship includes losing control of your emotions every once in a while.

I have learned through a pain-staking trial and error that I should temper my emotional outbursts and let go of so many things that annoy, infuriate or even degrade me. Many comments that are hurtful weren't said with that intent. Many actions that make one feel unimportant, little or unappreciated are often the result of a tired spouse, not a vindictive enemy.

At times it may seem that you are white-knuckling and suppressing every urge you have to let out your honest feelings. Sometimes there will be outbursts, where you will make a mountain out of a molehill; but those too are a healthy part of marriage. In my limited studies in Child and Family development obtaining my minor in college I learned that it is not the ferocity of your fights that predicts divorce. I know I have said this before on this blog and to the (three possible) people who actually are interested in anything I put on this blog:-), but happiness is better predicted by the ratio of good to bad as opposed to the absence of fighting altogether.

My point in this post is not to discount the good things that can happen from reading a post on 101 ways to improve your marriage, or to suggest that people should not be actively looking for ways to spice up their marriages or ways to improve their relationships. My point is that you should take those posts with the honesty (or lack thereof) with which they were written.

I admit I bristle (more than slightly) when I read that women should exercise so that they can keep their spouses interested in intercourse. Or that you should always greet your spouse at the door with a long kiss, or that you should have sex as much as possible and ignore the tired, achy feelings of motherhood (or pregnancy) and focus on the fact that if you don't it will result in a failed marriage. I find it condescending and misogynistic to make women return to the ideals of the 50's that caused the backlash of the women's lib movement; which in turn caused its own backlash of Dr. Laura and "The proper care and feeding of husbands". Let's break that cycle with honesty. It's not one way or the other; you can be a woman who acknowledges that you may not always be perfectly thin, always wanting to have sex and making perfect meals every day in a spotless house without ever losing your temper. And yes you can acknowledge all those things and still be a super sexy woman who loves her family and has a great intimate relationship with her spouse.

It's also about understanding that everything is not about the bedroom (even for men:-); because if all it took to make a spouse happy was acting as if you'd be ready for the bedroom anytime, then men wouldn't get married at all and would simply rely on prostitutes and pornography to satisfy lusts (which sadly is becoming a growing number of men in this world). Real men know that love is about enjoying the ebb and flow of every part of a life shared together. It is OK to expect your man to evolve beyond their lusts into a loving relationship with you. One where your body is celebrated at every stage of being a wife and mother. You can enjoy each other as much when you are dealing with a softened, stretch-marked belly and the soft motherly insulation around your chin post-baby as when your body is hard, trim and muscular after a year of training for 5ks and half marathons. Both are beautiful realities of the life cycle of a mother.

A healthy relationship in the bedroom is about getting rid of physical expectations and celebrating what is real. The same goes for the other aspects of a relationship. I know a couple who laugh with each other every day over the things that go wrong (constantly) in raising a family of four boys. They disagree, and all the while smile and laugh at each other's crazy mistakes, unintelligible comments or even misdirected and misguided actions.

It's not about being perfect people, it's about celebrating each other’s imperfections and moving beyond them and not letting them define each other. I know many people who suggest you never say anything unfavorable about your spouse to anyone. I think this can be good counsel but there are those who are in abusive relationships where they should talk with others, and need to so that their spouses know that there are people beyond their spouse who they will be held accountable to if they insist on abusive behaviors. Keeping abusive behavior (that includes emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse) secret does nobody a favor. You are not helping your relationship to keep a hurtful action secret. It is the job of every good friend and family member to support a woman in their relationship as long as they decide to be in that relationship. But they should be allowed to talk about what they are going through.

That comes with a responsibility of knowing whom with which to share your marriage details. If your mother will undercut your relationship choose another safe source that supports you. Above all find someone to talk to, even if it's a therapist. In all the posts I have read about keeping marriages healthy I have not ever seen finding a neutral third party to confide in as a way to improve relationships. It is a rookie mistake of any married person to believe somebody is headed for divorce because they are going to counseling. People who invest in counseling are those who are willing to do anything to save a marriage and it should be listed as a way to improve relationships not kept as a stigma only to be used by those whose marriages can't be fixed by a woman going to the gym more and being more willing to have sex.

Men wouldn't be so opposed to going if we as women refused to let it have a stigma.

Counselors come in every shape and size and finding someone in whom to confide doesn't have to cost you any money. Sometimes you can find a grandparent who you have seen in a generally happy and steady relationship through many years who can place your troubles into perspective. Or even a couple who is a little older than you who seem to be yielding positive results in their relationship. Great counsel can come from those who are divorced and have experienced the very thing that you are striving to avoid. For those who are deeply religious seeking counsel from an ecclesiastical leader can be an extremely beneficial use of time. Even a friend of similar (or even younger) age and situation can be a great resource, but don't be afraid to ask for help. If you tell a trusted source your troubles you are not ruining your marriage, asking for advice and help is a sign of an individual/ couple who truly are committed to making it work.

All I ask of anybody who comes across my "advice" is that you think twice before committing to some of the extremes that are being raised as a standard for a good wife.  I have not put any value in some lists that suggest unrealistic things like “yes it is possible to never speak an angry word to your spouse”, give me a break (and yourself for that matter).  Allow for mistakes, and be happy that you aren’t perfect.  Perfect people generally are called back to heaven early and I’m sure you and your spouse don’t want to die earlyJ  Enjoy each other’s imperfections and give yourself some room to improve, go easy on yourself.  Definitely try to improve things but make sure that you are actually making improvements instead of instituting some unknown person’s presently working suggestions.  Remember their situation may have changed since they typed that and they may actually be improving the truth in the first place.

Bike basket Tutorial! (no sew)

Ok all this is my very first tutorial ever....so let me know how I do:-)  I was poking around on pinterest and found an adorable idea for a homemade bike basket....but I didn't have all the materials it called for and I thought to myself.....an ice cream bucket!!! Or half to be more precise.  So I found an old ice cream pail and cut it in half the best I could and made a basket for my second eldest's bike.

So you start with some remnants of fabric (I use left over fabric from other projects), half an ice cream pail, ribbon, a hot glue gun and embellishments ie. buttons, rick rack...that kind of thing.

* Remember to use double thickness for your fabric or you will just end up having to cut another piece the same size.

Place your half on a piece of fabric (doubled) and trim around the rounded bottom.  Trim straight up the sides allowing room at the top to turn down for a hem.  You should have two pieces of fabric that look like a square with a half circle fused to it.

Next cut two strips of fabric that are as tall as the bucket and as long as the edges. (Again make sure you have two of these strips.)

Now glue the fabric to the front of the basket leaving ends to overlap on the inside sides. Glue all along the top edge and along the bottom.

 Glue the overlapping edges on the insides of the basket.

Glue the rounded edge to the bottom of the basket.  Trim close to the glue line after the bottom is securely attached.

Glue the interior fabric to the interior of the basket.  Tuck the fabric over to make two pleats to fit.

Glue the interior bottom piece onto the inside of the bottom.  Glue the interior and exterior fabric together to make a glued hem at the top.  Make sure the hem matches the top edges of the back side of your basket.  Attach edges of back of basket to sides with glue.

Glue ribbon along the top edge; it won't fit perfectly and with ruffle a little as you glue (I personally like the way that looks:-)

Glue another length of ribbon along the sides (and I did the bottom too just because I liked how it looked) to cover the raw edge of your fabric.

Cut two lengths of ribbon; these will be your connectors to the bike.  Make sure that they are long enough to tie either a regular knot onto the front bar of the handlebars or if you like you can make them long enough to tie a bow (I just did a knot I thought it was cuter).  Fold each ribbon in half and glue on the inside of the fold, pinch it in half (as shown above) and glue on the interior of that fold as well. 

Now connect the ribbon at the corner of the back in the crease with a large amount of glue; remember this is your connector so you want it good and sturdy.

Now all that's left is embellishing it!  Be creative, use anything you have around that you might think will dress it up a little.  I love rick rack, buttons, tulle, fake flowers....really anything that is girly cause you know a little girl is going to want the most frilly basket imaginable.  I'm sure I'll do a boyish version when my son gets older.  So that's it....let me know if you enjoyed the tutorial or if you have any questions.

And here is my little sweetie with her new bike basket (and her adorable pink cast, she's so tough)

Life with three!!

I could not imagine life without my sweet little baby boy!! He is the sweetest child alive and is the easiest baby I've ever seen.....but I feel like I am not equipped to deal with life with three children.  I wanted to go away this weekend.  Nowhere special just to a local hotel and get some distance from my beautiful three children. 

The problem is who do we leave these sweet kiddos with?  I mean really...my family is sooooo busy that even though we found a time that worked for one of them they need at least two adult sets of arms to deal with all three of my kids.  It's not their fault, I have three kids.  How ridiculous am I to expect anyone to take three kids so that my husband and I get a night kids free.  Anyone up for the task of having three children around already has three or more children themselves.  And anyone who has three children does not want an extra three around (for those who are slow on math that would make six total).

I just didn't see this day coming, we just have too many children to leave them anywhere anymore.  It snuck up on me. 

The irony is those who have three young children are the ones who need to get away.  We may not be the people who are in a position to take a night off work but we are certainly the ones who need to.  My dear sweet parents let me know that after 32 yrs of marriage they are taking their first (tropical) vacation (may I point out that they have taken a number of getaways many different places all over the US) but have never been to a "beachish" type vacation and they feel unapologetic about taking that vacation.  Yes they deserve it, but they can get away from their children whenever they like; we are all grown.  Those of us with little children have to move heaven and earth just to get out of the house for an hour.

When I am a grown up and have the luxury of going anywhere I please, whenever I feel like it I am going to choose to help those who really need a break.  I will use my vacation to watch my grandchildren so my children who can't afford to pay a sitter for the evening can actually go someplace where they won't have baby food in their hair and they can sleep in and actually take a shower the next morning. 

I know that sounds harsh, but I am bitter.  I want help, whether from a parent or sibling....I don't really care.  But logically I know that as a grown-up person who chose to have children I don't have the luxury of asking another person to take on my responsibilities even for an evening.  I will just have to save my pennies till I can afford to pay someone to watch my children or not go at all.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I will make sure my children have breaks.  I am going to scrimp and save and live on nothing if I have to so that I can be a grandmother who is always there.  When my daughters are crying because they love their children but can't stand them another minute....I will be there with a box of crayons and a bottle.  I will shoe them out the door and let them enjoy if only for an evening, being young attractive and in love with their spouse.  Because my youth, and looks will fade soon....and when they finally do, then and only then will I have time to enjoy just being with my husband.

Rain, rain go away!

My husband clearly remembers an experience when we were living in Florida that he related to me the other night.  He remembers being at Animal Kingdom and there being a sudden incredibly wet rainstorm and us ducking into an artificial cave and sitting watching this seemingly jungle around us get drenched by the downpour.  We only had our oldest child at the time and she was very little probably 18months old or something.

We waited in that little cave and watched the rain, we had all the time in the world so we weren't stressed or in any hurry to get anywhere and watched as probably hundreds of people ran out of the park to get out of the rain.  Eventually after at least twenty or thirty minutes the rain stopped.

We ventured out of the cave and walked around the park, it was almost quiet.  Many people had went back to their hotels or homes and the park was as desolate as I had ever seen it.  We went on the safari ride and not only did we not have to wait at all for it but all the animals were out and enjoying the cool feeling left behind by the rain.

We saw rainbows and the whole experience was so pleasant that it is no wonder why my husband thinks back on that day as his favorite memory of our Florida Disney experiences.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in that cave, waiting for the rain to stop, sure that it will and that if I can only outwait it then it will be so much better than before.  But the rain keeps coming and unlike our Disney experience I am in a hurry and feel like I want to run out of the park instead of waiting patiently for it to end.

Today two of my siblings are in the hospital.  For two very different reasons but I am devastated.  I'm tired of thinking about it and then I feel guilty for being tired of thinking about it.  I wish it would stop raining.

I'm 27 years old, yesterday.  I haven't been alive that long.  No matter how old I may feel or how mature I fancy myself I'm just a baby in the game of life.  When I think that it will only get harder and more complex I just want to run.....or hide.

"If only life was easier" is the phrase I keep hearing myself say over and over again in my mind and even to others.  I don't want to struggle all the time and I really would like a moment of peace and security.  I hear my voice sounding the tiny violins and yet ...I don't care if I sound like a whiner or a wimp...because the truth is that I am.

Do you know the saying that all clouds have silver linings; it is one of those sayings that really doesn't always make sense.  It's great to spout at others when they are struggling but in some of lifes bizzaar circumstances it just doesn't apply.

I am grateful, incredibly so even, for all of the friends and angels that are around me and buoy me up, Gratitude for my health and husband and children overwhelms me at times and brings me to tears.  I focus on it as much as I can.

But today is a grey day and I cannot shake the tired, achy feeling of sorrow over things which I have no control.

Memories on Memorial day:-(

I was fairly young the first time I experienced a death in my family.  We lived close to a number of relatives on my mother's side.  I was about eight or so when a chaotic day ended with the news that my little sister was born and my Aunt Janet died.  It was all a very unusual experience.  At the time I although I saw my aunt weekly (sometimes more) and I really didn't know her well.  I remembered one time when she picked me up from school because I was sick and for some reason my parents were busy.  She brought me over to her house and I did a puzzle.  It is a lovely memory and it became the symbol to me of that woman who was connected to me but I didn't feel connected to.

A year or two later my grandfather died.  This was a stranger experience for my young mind.  Grandpa was old, not like my aunt when she died.  It seemed a more normal experience and yet my mother took it very hard, I was a little confused.  Aren't you supposed to die when you got old.  What I didn't know at the time that somebody isn't supposed to die in their sixties.

A year or two later my father's mother died.  My father's family is quite different than my mothers and they express emotion in a more noticeable way.  They were so visibly upset that many got sick.  They were almost overly emotional but their emotional ties to their mother and grandmother were heightened because they had already experienced loss.  My father's father died when he was ten years old.  The death of my grandmother was taking away the only parent many of my fathers siblings ever knew.  This funeral was the first one I cried at, I was about twelve and old enough to really understand what death was.

Memorial day is an interesting American holiday.  It is like Remembrance day in Canada, but the emphasis over the last while seems to be more on remembering loved ones who've died as opposed to those who died defending our freedom.  In Canada we didn't get as sad on Remembrance day because we didn't know any relatives who'd died in a war.  Here my new in-laws decorate many generations of ancestors graves.  I have never done that before.  Perhaps it's because my ancestors graves are spread out all over Canada and several US states.

Death has touched my family over the last five years as well.  Five years ago another one of my aunts from my mothers side died, again just like my first aunt this one died in her forties leaving a growing family behind.  Three years ago a first cousin of mine died from a brain tumor.  The funeral happened while I was in the hospital giving birth to my second daughter.

Then death came to me in a new way, and I have to admit it shook me much more than my previous experiences with death.  A close friend had a baby die, her little boy was almost the same age as my second child.  I went to the funeral and it changed me forever.  In my experience people who were older were the ones who died, not children.  A child dying is something people can't hardly ever hear of happening because it is scary.  Children rebound and recover from things older people can't.  It shakes up your perspective when someone you know quite well loses a child.

This last year has been the most I have ever dealt with death, and granted it has still been from a distance.  My husband was a pallbearer at a funeral of someone we both knew as teenagers.  She was older and had been battling cancer.  Then the unimaginable happened again.  A cousin whose wife I had recently been getting to know fairly well....their little 20 month old died. 

Then early last month a neighbor died in her fifties from ASL.  A week ago a sister in law lost her father, he was also too young.   

This last memorial day was a different day for me.  My cousin's little boy, his birthday was the 31st of May and then I found out that my very best friend had lost a baby and his birthday was on the 31st as well.  I started to feel weighed down.  Death was coming from everywhere.  No one was exempt, young, middle aged, old... it didn't matter anyone at anytime.

Sometimes I really hate growing up.  Bubbles get shattered and life seems so much darker and more scary.  Waking up at night and checking to see if all your children and your husband are breathing....I don't like it.  Let alone every time the phone rings worrying who it might be this time and whether it's going to hit even closer to home.

I think the thing that bothers me the most though is that there is little to nothing I can do to ease the pain of those who are right next to the pain suffering intensely from losing those they are closest to.  I cry at night because of their pain and wish that I could do more.  I pray for them but it doesn't seem like enough.  I try and send encouraging notes of support, but I often worry that I'm not helping and may be saying the wrong thing.  I'm grateful I have my belief system to comfort me.  Knowing in my heart that God has prepared a way for people to be together after death gives me intense comfort.

If you are suffering from the loss of a loved one, know that you are not alone.  Even if you don't believe in a higher power.  We are one big human family and somebody somewhere is wishing you well.  Tonight I will pray for you, even if I don't know who you are.  I'm going to send it out into the night hoping that it will ease your pain.

To spoil or not to spoil?

I think I've written about this before but it is a subject that constantly plagues me so pardon the redundancy.

I have always loved toys. When I was child we didn't have that many. In fact I remember only ever having one barbie doll and it wasn't even a barbie it was a skipper doll. My brothers fed it to the dog and afterwards the legs were all chewed off and I remember the white part showing so that it looked like her bones were sticking out.

 

 

I didn't ever have a doll house or a baby doll bed or dress up clothes; I specifically remember never having a "my little pony" because there was a group of girls who during lunch had a club that met under the trees by the big field and you had to have a pony to belong. I could never be a member because I didn't have one.

Now don't get me wrong my parents did everything in their power to give us toys, especially ones we wanted. But when we were young I was slightly conscious that they couldn't afford to get us that much so I didn't ask and tried to make things to play with instead of asking for premade toys. I made dollhouses out of cardboard, doll clothing out of my mothers scrap fabric from sewing and cars for our stuffies out of boxes.

I was the oldest girl in my family and my parents didn't have as much money when I was little as when my younger sisters were, so even though I was "too old" to play with barbies and dolls I would play with my younger sisters and try and make their play time as fun as it possibly could be.

When my daughters were born I could not stop myself. Granted Dan and I didn't have a lot of money but whatever we had was so much more than what my parents had that it seemed (and still does seem) like we were millionaires. We bought brand new toys for my eldest's first birthday. I really was like a kid in the candy store when we went to toys r us that first time. My eyes lit up as we carefully picked out each item and I will never forget the amazing feeling of bringing those toys to the register, paying for them and then taking them home.

Now I am a budget person by choice and a second hand connoisseur by nature. So those first few toys we bought brand new quickly became some of the only new toys I ever bought. I started going to yard sales religiously and shopped clearance and day after thanksgiving sales like a madwoman (not really but I was very diligent at trying).

I bought a beautiful play kitchen for my girls two years ago on clearance for $50 when it originally sold for $150. I bought dollhouses at yard sales for $10-$15 a piece that sold on ebay for $200 used. I bought princess dresses new and used and made several myself. All in all it started to add up to a lot of toys. My girls have so much, maybe a little too much but I am constantly downsizing or giving away when I upgrade to a toy that works more fluently in the scientific flow of toys I orchestrate for my children. I am beginning to have a perfect knowledge of which things should be bought new, which should be bought used and which things should never be bought in the first place.

I can never get away from the guilt though that plagues me for giving them so much. Yes they are spoiled. My second oldest daughter's third birthday was yesterday and I asked my sister on a scale of one to ten how spoiled my girls were. She said "Eleven" ;-) My mother is constantly commenting on how they don't need all of those toys and how ridiculous it is that I keep buying them for them. Now to be fair to me my house does have quite a few toys but it is not crowded with them and they all have a place to be put away.

It's not necessarily the guilt of overcrowding that bothers me it's the attachment to things that bothers me. I recently read a book "By some miracle not yet clear to me" written by a man from Uganda named Vincent Musaalo. He spoke of the homemade toys he had to play with and the horror of not knowing whether they would have enough food to eat.

Life is not special because of the things we have or don't have it's special because of our families and our service to other people. My husband lived for two years in Bolivia where families of four would live in a one room apartment. Having is not important, I know that from my humble beginnings. I loved my childhood even though I really did wish we had more.

And yet I do get intense joy from creating a fanciful world for my children to grow up in.

Yes I may buy them a few too many toys and insist on getting them the very cutest things at the cheapest price, but I do that so they will want to play instead of sitting around watching television or playing video games. We do not invest in gaming systems or cable TV (although we do buy movies because they are awesome to keep kids occupied while I exercise or clean). But I invest in inventive play instruments also known as toys.

 

 

Now it may sound a little like I am trying to convince myself it is OK to spoil my children far, far beyond what I had as a child....and in truth I am. When you are raised very unspoiled you gain character that is immeasurable in worth. Which brings me to why I wrote in the first place. For a combined birthday gift for both of my girls we got them this.

This playhouse is the only toy I have ever bought that is over $100. Yes my parents and sister went in on the gift but it was very expensive and although we can afford it I do feel like a rich person who has the luxury of spending money on a toy. (Have I mentioned that I have a unique bias against rich people due to my singular childhood) I call this syndrome "gifter's guilt". I feel bad that I have given my children something they will enjoy all summer long because it is just a thing.

My husband would rather spend that money on their college funds or their wedding funds or a host of other more worthy things. He is probably right, and yet those little girls will only be little once and I want them to enjoy every minute of it:-)

......a picture box!

I am now the proud mother of three children. Two sweet girls and one extremely huggable baby boy. He is a joy and I am just now readjusting to life. Each week I add back another responsibility/activity of pre-baby life. After I had him I took a break from everything from cooking to exercising and many other things in between.

This week I added back exercising but last week I added back church responsibilities and threw a party for the teenage girls I teach on Sundays. I was excited about it but nervous because my first week back I was completely in charge of the activity and there was a lot to remember and to get done.

Well I showed up at the church building lugging in five boxes of pizza and three other bags of treats, fruit and decorations. I put a few of the things down and realized I had to go the the library and check out a TV to show the movies I brought. I turned to another leader and said "I'll be right back, I just have to go get......a........." a long pause followed while I waved my arms and roughly sketched out in the air a large square shape, "a..... you know....a picture box thing". The woman looked at me not knowing whether to laugh or cry at my lack of mental acuity. "A TV! that's what I meant!" I laughed and shook my head as I ran to the other side of the building to get the "picture box".

Yes I am blaming post baby brain on this one. I couldn't stop laughing at myself or wondering if I will ever be that eloquent young lady I once fancied myself to be. My family always lauded me for my extensive vocabulary and my ability to find words for others when their brains couldn't connect a thought with the appropriate verbal description. Now I am the sad example of a frazzled mother who can't correctly label the noun: television.

I am sure that my amusing anecdote will bring a smile to your faces, and rightly so. I mean really.......picture box. But as you laugh say a silent prayer that my mental faculties will one day return to me. Or else one day you will see me wandering down the street pointing out animals or rocks to my children and describing them as "things that move" or "that hard lump over there" and my poor children will grow up with no knowledge of the real words attached to everyday objects:-)

39 weeks!

Ok so if anyone saw me yesterday at church they probably thought I was either going crazy....or just having major issues in general.

I can't explain it, but I'll try. Dan came home from a morning meeting and was bathing the kids. I knew that I had to start getting ready for church. As soon as it sunk in that I was actually going to have to attend church and that I had not had this baby yet and that yes I was going to hear many comments along the lines of "well you've still got time don't you, or when is your due date" I just broke down and started bawling.

I didn't want to face anyone, I didn't want to hear that because my due date hasn't come yet that I have no right expecting the baby to be here already. I HATE that people act like you should be patient until your due date comes and goes and really you shouldn't complain until two weeks after they are due.

Are people in general aware that the "due date" is just an educated guess. And yes telling a nine month pregnant woman that her baby could come anytime after 38 weeks and it would be full term is very, very much encouraging her to root for the baby coming any day after 38 weeks.

I couldn't take being around people again who think I should be happy and pleasant while I wait in agony for the living hell of pregnancy to be over. I wanted to stay home and cry to my hearts content feeling ever so sorry for myself. I had to go though because I was teaching and it was one of those weeks where it simply isn't feasible to pawn it off on another teacher.

So....if any of you saw me yesterday and wondered what the heck is going on with Tana, there is your answer. I'm 39 weeks, I'm tired, sore, fat, angry and done with everyone and everything. To top it off I'm going stir crazy here at home just waiting day in and day out analyzing every single thing I feel in my abdominal area (yes there is constant pain, so I try to distinguish between the different types).

I....I...I....need to stop thinking about myself :-(

I want to exercise today...but I feel like if I do this baby will fall right out. Which wouldn't be a problem but I really want this baby to be full term and I just have to wait two more weeks then I'll be able to try and get him out!

I desperately do not want to gain another pound......seriously if they bump the scale up past a certain number next week at the dr's I will break into tears infront of an entire office of nurses and dr.s!

I'm anxious about driving carpool and hate it more than words can describe!

I'm worried that my valentines date won't go well with my husband, cause I don't feel pretty or skinny and blow up at the slightest provocation...it makes for a very volatile situation when I am alone with my sweetheart!

I'm ready to be skinny again...I'm ready to go running for an hour and feel the sweat drip off me and feel the ache in my muscles the next day!

I'm done cleaning out poop from my daughter's underwear/diapers....but if I give up now I will not only have wasted an entire month of potty training, but will not be able to afford the cost of having two children in diapers!

I'm tired of reading with my daughter (isn't that awful) ...but I am tired of reading 40-60 mins a day at the speed of a five year old just because she is competitive and wants to win this reading contest at her school (that she has no chance of winning because she is five)!

I drive myself crazy obsessing over all of the things that I can't do and want to do......

The cure....I need to stop thinking about what I want or feel I need and I'm trying to think of the others in my sweet family and my dear friends who are all needing support. I also need to think about my siblings and what they need. For example my brother's birthday is tomorrow and I almost forgot about it because I am so focused on having a pity party for myself.

36 wks...not all the way there yet, but at bare minimum I have two more weeks to spoil my sweet kids and husband and do things for others.

My crazy unpredictable two year old! (caution graphic story about poo!)

I love her I really do but sometime I just don't get it. Today she was potty training, yeah....well she did great. She peed in the potty and poured it into the big potty and washed her hands all with minimal help from my five year old. Then about twenty minutes later she pooped in the potty without help from anyone, yea!!!! right. Well she didn't wipe her bum, but I was so happy not to be cleaning up chunks of poo from her underwear that I was basically dancing.

She then went potty all by herself about an hour later and afterwards I found her walking around bare bummed. I found her still clean underwear and asked if she wanted help getting it back on. She then proclaimed to me that she wanted to wear a diaper. I was stunned because she has fought me on wearing pull ups at bedtime and at church because she is a big girl. I responded "Don't you want to wear your big girl underwear?"

Apparently that was a big mistake. She started bawling and ran to her room and laid down on her bed....still bare bummed I might add. I went in and asked her what was wrong. She waved an arm at me and said "just go away!". I was saddened and shocked. I mean seriously what had I done to elicit that kind of reaction. I asked if I could lay down next to her and she said "No, just go away!!" So I left the room dumb founded. I came back later and asked if I could lie next to her and read her a story. She reluctantly let me and then just laid there quietly in her bed. I went to go and call somebody....anybody who may have insight into why a two year old may act like this. When I came back she was asleep. I covered up her naked bum with a blanket (said a silent prayer that all the potty trips this morning were enough) turned out the light and came downstairs.

......anyone?

One of the coolest inventions ever!!!

I love food!!! Gotta say though I love carbs more than anything else in the food world of course besides chocolate. I just had to post about the coolest fusion of pasta and vegetables in the whole world. I'd heard that you could make pasta from vegetables....but like I would ever make pasta. That is way too ambitious even for me.

So about a month ago I discovered in the pasta section this awesome new product. I know some people think hiding vegetables in food isn't the best way to teach your kids to eat veggies. For me though I would serve this pasta as a main dish with either a meat and red sauce or even on it's own with a little bit of butter and parmesan cheese. Then I would also serve veggies on the side.

Extra vegetables are never a bad thing, no matter where they come from. In pasta form they are awesome and I find that this pasta tastes just as good as regular pasta. Then again I'm a sucker for healthy food and only eat whole wheat pasta or high fiber pastas in the first place.

The first thing my mother asked when I raved about this was if it cost more than regular pasta. Well I found it was close to the same price as whole wheat pasta, so for me it's just as easy as breathing to find room in my budget for this fun treat.

Try it and let me know what you think. My family isn't very picky and they didn't notice any difference, but I have read reviews that suggest it doesn't taste as good. I think it should be the new craze because children do not eat enough fruits and vegetables to begin with. We should be feeding them to our kids (and ourselves for that matter) in every way shape and form possible.

Well happy eating and if you try this let me know how it goes:-)

You never outgrow a good friend!

I have the best people in the world that I count as friends. Even when I was in High School and Junior High I was blessed with awesome friends. Some of them even still stay in contact with me and we keep each other updated on the goings on in our adult lives.

I know many people claim their friends are the best, but I think I have the market cornered. When we moved to the states when I was thirteen I met some lovely people who helped to ease the horrible transition from rural country life to suburban living. When in High school I was acquainted with several people without whom I could not have survived the terrifying process of growing up.

Then after two years in college and marrying my sweetheart we moved to Florida where I met amazing individuals that enriched my life and taught me many things that have molded the adult and mother I've become.

Then we moved into our lovely little home here. I've met a few people who I've grown very close to and who understand and put into perspective the hardest and darkest trials me and my family have faced in the last three years.

I've grown up alot over the years but I will never outgrow these people who have always been there for me. Thank you all of you who've blessed me and my family with your friendship. Even when I didn't realize I needed you; you were there. I pray that I've been a good friend to all of you and that I will grow to be the kind of person who blesses other's lives.

I hate looking needy!!

This time of the year is the worst to appear like you don't have things together. For example I about died this morning when I saw a pink note on my front door from Clearfield city. Dan was two flippin days late paying that bill and already they posted a big "hey these people don't have enough money" sign on my front door for all my neighbors to see.

The truth is if it were just the one note I'd probably be able to get over it, but earlier in November I went to hear my daughter sing at her school only to be told (at the door I might add) that it was three dollars a person to get in. It wasn't that we didn't have the money, I just hadn't been told they would charge me to hear my kindergartener sing. Well a number of neighbors also send their kids to this school and of course a family saw us fumbling around not having any money and I hate that piteous look that you never know if it means they think you just are too poor to pay.

Dan and I have more than enough resources at the moment. Not that we're swimming in money but besides our house and school we have no debt and we make enough to pay our bills and attend our childs Christmas concert. Yes we are frugal and I try not to spend more than neccessary on....well everything. But that is why we are doing ok. I just hate the thought that my friends and neighbors may think we are poor...especially around Christmas time.

I guess I'm sensitive about it because I have been there. Growing up we were poor, at least by the monetary standards set up by the state. My mom was horrified when Christmas presents were dropped off at our house one particularly tight year. I didn't quite understand why because I knew we didn't have enough money to buy any presents that year. Now I get it! The thought that someone thinks you don't have enough or can't take care of your family is humiliating.

Most people should know that just because Dan and I are cheap doesn't make us poor. Yes I have been complaining about the thought of buying a van and how much we don't have the money for this next step in our life. But when I say that I'm only saying we don't have enough money up front to buy a van, so that we don't have a car payment. We just have to put a little less in savings and we could afford a car payment, but we are just too cheap to face that reality right now.

The only reason Dan was late paying a bill in the first place is because he is taking over a full course load this semester (his last). And I have been struggling to keep things together myself. Being six months pregnant and trying to keep the house running by myself and trying to adjust to a half day kindergartener has been a real challenge. Add to that my sister having a baby, numerous other extended family emergencies and needs I've barely kept my head above water. Then you add responsibilities for church and things have gotten out of control.

And now right when Dan's school is pretty much done and he would be free to start really helping me....he gets the news that he is going on a trip next week.

I needed to complain about life, just for a second. But truly we are soooo blessed. We have everything monetary that we need, and then Dan and I have each other and are blissfully happy in our marriage. Our children are healthy, happy and wonderful all around. And Dan is employed...how wonderful is that. The fact that he has a steady job and it can pay the bills and pay for a nice Christmas is almost more than I could ask for.

So I guess I'm saying don't worry about me....it may have been a stressful, crazy, insanely busy and tear jerking month, but November is over and now we are hopefully going to start recovering from it.

Extremely lucky, blessed...or whatever word fits

When I was my youngest daughter's age I lived in a small cozy house. Me and my (at the time) three other siblings shared a bedroom. My two elder brothers slept in a bunkbed and then there was a twin that me and my sister shared. This room was not meant to be a bedroom it was actually more of a pantry. With the bunk bed and twin in there there was maybe a two foot squared space left.

As my parents added three more children to our little home in Horsefly B.C. my dad built an addition so that there were two more bedrooms. We never had that much, in fact I can remember the few times in my young life where I got new clothes or shoes instead of hand-me-downs.

I bring this up because I was looking at my little girls room last night. They have a store bought bunk bed (ours were always homemade), they have two beautiful dressers, a dollhouse book shelf and a real dollhouse with all the attachements. Under their bed are bins of toys. In their closet are close to ten dress up princess dresses. Along with several more bins of toys. In our basement they have a play kitchen. They have a trampoline in the backyard along with their swingset and sandbox.

Now I don't want to diminish what I had growing up. My dad built a treehouse in a grove of trees near our house. He made a basketball court and we had a horse that we could ride whenever we liked. We had an awesome sandbox and in the wintertime my dad flooded the pond to make a homemade ice rink we got to skate on.

I was incredibly blessed growing up and I had alot of things many people never have. But I can't help but look at my lovely house that has enough room for my family and a craft room for me. And I can't help but look at the dollhouse my children have and think how incredibly lucky and blessed they are.

Growing up I always had what I needed and an outdoor wonderland to play in. But my children are so lucky to have what they have too. I know what is important and both me in my childhood and my children in theirs have what is most important, a family that loves them.

Not wanting to get up...

This morning I had to give myself a loooong pep talk just to get up. Not cause I'm overwhelmed (even though I am), not because my kids are driving me crazy (they were actually pretty cute this morning), not because I had so much housework to do that I could spend the entire day working and not make a dent..........

..........the real reason is that I feel so incredibly fat that getting out of bed just depresses me. Yes, it is true that I am 20 wks pregnant and gaining weight is part of the job. But no matter how hard I try I just can't get used to gaining weight. It absolutely feels wrong....and the worst part is when I am feeling super heavy and regretting the choices I've made with food, I can't go running for an hour to feel better. Set aside the fact that I don't have time....I haven't been running for so long. First I was sick for a few months and then I just seriously was way too overbooked to get anything done. So now not only am I gaining weight, but I am seriously out of shape to boot.

The only silver lining is I am just barely reaching the weight I was at when I got pregnant with my first two. Yes this is a nice bonus, but my total weight gain is well over fifteen pounds and I'm only half done with this thing.

Please don't think I obsess over my weight all the time (well I do), but I don't usually talk about it during the day and I try not to ever mention it infront of the kids. I do not want to be their excuse for obsessing over it, there are plenty other reasons for them to obsess...I really don't want to add to that list.

So instead I am whining and complaining about it on my blog. Not because I am looking for others to tell me it's ok (but I'd be fine if some of you did :-) If I was really looking to be validated in my weight gain then I'd post something on facebook where all my near and dear friends would comment about everything that is normal and funny about my situation. Instead I wanted to just vent...you know. There is nothing I can do to stop gaining weight and yes my tiny next door neighbor is pregnant at the same time as me and is going to be much smaller then me the entire time (yes I'm talking about you Stacy;-)

It's ok and I know that but I had a really, really hard time getting out of bed facing what is happening to my body again. Fellow body sacrificing women, I feel your pain. Yes we get a precious baby out of the experience but it is not without a cost.

I also know that others would give anything in the world to mutilate their bodies just to have a chance to give birth and I don't mean to lessen their pain in any way.....but it isn't easy seeing something you worked so hard at for so long slip away knowing that you are going to have to work twice or three times as hard to get it back.

Ok I'm done....thanks for listening:-)