The cliche truth

You can't have it all. These days if you are a realist, you are touted as a dream killer. I do believe in reaching for the stars, but I am realistic enough to know that you might fall on your butt trying. Of course it is better to reach as high as you can, raising expectations produces better results. Then again stretching yourself too thin depletes all your energy and makes everything you do suffer. What I want to discuss is the unrealistic assumption out there that women can have it all.

There is a problem with today's society not only telling women to have it all, but expecting it of them. And if a women has problems with this unattainable goal they are subjected to the ridicule of the world. Lets specifically address the debate between stay at home vs. working moms. The truth simply is that regardless of what you choose you will suffer guilt and one thing or the other will suffer in quality. Stay at home mothers suffer guilt that they aren't fulfilling their dreams and are not setting that example for their children. Working mothers, even if they are extremely successful, suffer the guilt of not being with their children. Anyone, or I guess I should say any mother who has watched other people's children, knows that no matter how hard you try, you cannot feel about other children they way you feel about your own. The cliche that no one loves you like your mother is sooooo true. So either choice elicits guilt. And those that try to walk the middle road trying to devote time to both still find that there is guilt for time spent away from children, and time spent away from a career. You will always be the one missing promotions and not advancing as fast as full time coworkers. You will always be the one who isn't a full time mom. You are neither here nor there.

I am not saying that any one choice is better than another. I think that any choice you make has a detrimental effect on you and your children. It may sound harsh or pessimistic, but I am trying to liberate women. Stop expecting that having it all is a standard you must reach. Accept the fact that no matter what you do, you are going to suffer some ill effects in some way. Figure out what guilt you can deal with and try focusing on different things at different times. Expecting women to do it all and still look cute at the end of the day doesn't result in happier women; all it does is reduce the quality of those women.

My mother asked me the other day if she thought my family suffered during the time I was desperately trying to finish my degree. I told her that of course they did, but that was in my mind justifiable suffering, because the suffering would be much worse if I ended up a single mom and didn't have a degree. I've been trying to explain this concept to my husband. He is so depressed that he can't spend very much time with his children and wife, because of his school. The truth is he is right. His relationships with our daughters and our marriage does suffer when he devotes the majority of his time to work and school. The bottom line is though that it is the greater good to have him finish his degree, and in the long run it will be better for our family to have the primary provider's school finished.

This is even true with two children. The horrid conclusion that I have come to is that I can't possibly satisfy the needs of both my children at once. My three year old won't get a story read to her while I am changing my youngest's diaper. And my youngest will have to cry a little while I make lunch for my oldest. But the alternative of only having one child does a disservice to your children as well. They will be spoiled and not learn neccessary skills like sharing and the ability to love another child.

I realize that this a negative way to view the situation, but guilt plagues the modern woman like inequality plagued her 50 years ago. Every mother I know feels it and every special on tv reinforces my belief that there is a problem in this country of expecting way too much from women. We were not liberated just to enslave ourselves by our own expectations. The idea of having everything we want right now without sacrificing at all is laughable. We need to free ourselves from the false idea that we need to have it all at once. Maybe we can have it all, but not all at the same time. A little now and a little later will have to suffice.

Random thoughts

Here are my 7 random thoughts

1. I hate negativity but can't get my mind to be positive.

2. Being a realist opens my eyes to see what's right in front of me but closes my eyes to many possibilities of how things could be.

3. Babies are cute, but they just poo and throw up way too much.

4. I love my family, my husband and kids, and my sisters, brothers and parents. I don't know if I have more fun than with those people who understand and accept me the most. (p.s. Patrice, I consider you a sister)

5. Marriage is difficult but it seems much easier when both partners accept it's difficulty.

6. I used to see things like folding my husbands socks the way he wanted was offensive to me and women everywhere, now I truly want to do it for him because I love him so much.

7. Jane Eyre used to be my hero, but of late my new hero is Erma Bombeck. She just got mothers and wrote words of wisdom that I believe will stand the test of time.

Poopy hands

While washing out the third poopy outfit of the day I looked down at my hands. Yellowy white from spray and wash and poo they didn't look like my hands anymore. Of course newborn poo isn't as bad as toddler poo and I thanked the Lord again that my three year old was finally potty trained. But the facts still remained that poo is poo and three times that day my hands were swimming in it.

The problem is that this is a fundamental part of my job requirements. I tried to explain to my husband that this bothers me. He fought back saying that there were parts of his job that he didn't like, but lets face it they don't include feces or defecation of any kind.

There are many irreconcilable problems with being a professional mother. Excrement is the least of these problems but it is a terrific catalyst for renewing the debate in my mind over how worth it this all is. Of course I love my children, more than anything in the world besides my husband but I don't want them to grow up thinking that they have to feel cloistered and unimportant. The other side of it though is that there isn't any greater joy or sense of fulfillment than what comes from raising children.

The thing that I keep going back to is that there are so many aspects of raising children that are degrading. Like washing out poopy clothes or being covered in throwup. When people ask what you do and you motion towards the two little cuties hanging off you, there is pity and then a little humor lingering in their eyes. After my first daughter was born I loved being able to say that I was a student and a stay at home mom. After I graduated I was a little sad to have only one title and that it was mom. I guess some of us can't get over the need for the accolades of society and the feeling that what you do is valued in other people eyes.

That's what it comes down to is where you feel your worth. If it is based on what others think of you, being a mom isn't going to satisfy your desire for validation. So I guess where that leaves me is changing the source of validation, without that change I can't hope to feel better about myself. I can only guess that changing the way I build my self worth won't happen overnight. Until that happens I will have to content myself with trying to laugh at the image of poopy spray and wash coating my hands several times a day. After all there is humor there, it's just harder to see through the foggy glasses of self pity.