This morning I had to give myself a loooong pep talk just to get up. Not cause I'm overwhelmed (even though I am), not because my kids are driving me crazy (they were actually pretty cute this morning), not because I had so much housework to do that I could spend the entire day working and not make a dent..........
..........the real reason is that I feel so incredibly fat that getting out of bed just depresses me. Yes, it is true that I am 20 wks pregnant and gaining weight is part of the job. But no matter how hard I try I just can't get used to gaining weight. It absolutely feels wrong....and the worst part is when I am feeling super heavy and regretting the choices I've made with food, I can't go running for an hour to feel better. Set aside the fact that I don't have time....I haven't been running for so long. First I was sick for a few months and then I just seriously was way too overbooked to get anything done. So now not only am I gaining weight, but I am seriously out of shape to boot.
The only silver lining is I am just barely reaching the weight I was at when I got pregnant with my first two. Yes this is a nice bonus, but my total weight gain is well over fifteen pounds and I'm only half done with this thing.
Please don't think I obsess over my weight all the time (well I do), but I don't usually talk about it during the day and I try not to ever mention it infront of the kids. I do not want to be their excuse for obsessing over it, there are plenty other reasons for them to obsess...I really don't want to add to that list.
So instead I am whining and complaining about it on my blog. Not because I am looking for others to tell me it's ok (but I'd be fine if some of you did :-) If I was really looking to be validated in my weight gain then I'd post something on facebook where all my near and dear friends would comment about everything that is normal and funny about my situation. Instead I wanted to just vent...you know. There is nothing I can do to stop gaining weight and yes my tiny next door neighbor is pregnant at the same time as me and is going to be much smaller then me the entire time (yes I'm talking about you Stacy;-)
It's ok and I know that but I had a really, really hard time getting out of bed facing what is happening to my body again. Fellow body sacrificing women, I feel your pain. Yes we get a precious baby out of the experience but it is not without a cost.
I also know that others would give anything in the world to mutilate their bodies just to have a chance to give birth and I don't mean to lessen their pain in any way.....but it isn't easy seeing something you worked so hard at for so long slip away knowing that you are going to have to work twice or three times as hard to get it back.
Ok I'm done....thanks for listening:-)
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4 comments:
Tana- I feel your pain my body is in pretty bad shape after 2 years since I had my child. I get depressed easy about little things like cleaning the house and sometimes anger too easy from my boy's tantrums and everyday things. I feel you. I used to be a size 8 In high school. 8 and when I was married I was a size 10. I was happy then. I so understand you. I need to get working out too; and us women really give up so much to have children. Not just physical sacrifices. Emotional and Temporal ones too. And I miss you Tana! Chels
Sending you hugs! At 38 weeks preggo, I'm feeling like a blimp! When the baby's moving, I feel pregnant, but when the baby's sleeping, I just feel super fat. Garrett laughs at me whenever I tell him that, but it is so weird to feel so huge. At least we get cute babies at the end of all of this.
I saw your fb picture you don't look fat you look great!! Your beautiful
That's why God put the baby on your bladder - get up, go pee and get moving! :) LY
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