39 weeks!

Ok so if anyone saw me yesterday at church they probably thought I was either going crazy....or just having major issues in general.

I can't explain it, but I'll try. Dan came home from a morning meeting and was bathing the kids. I knew that I had to start getting ready for church. As soon as it sunk in that I was actually going to have to attend church and that I had not had this baby yet and that yes I was going to hear many comments along the lines of "well you've still got time don't you, or when is your due date" I just broke down and started bawling.

I didn't want to face anyone, I didn't want to hear that because my due date hasn't come yet that I have no right expecting the baby to be here already. I HATE that people act like you should be patient until your due date comes and goes and really you shouldn't complain until two weeks after they are due.

Are people in general aware that the "due date" is just an educated guess. And yes telling a nine month pregnant woman that her baby could come anytime after 38 weeks and it would be full term is very, very much encouraging her to root for the baby coming any day after 38 weeks.

I couldn't take being around people again who think I should be happy and pleasant while I wait in agony for the living hell of pregnancy to be over. I wanted to stay home and cry to my hearts content feeling ever so sorry for myself. I had to go though because I was teaching and it was one of those weeks where it simply isn't feasible to pawn it off on another teacher.

So....if any of you saw me yesterday and wondered what the heck is going on with Tana, there is your answer. I'm 39 weeks, I'm tired, sore, fat, angry and done with everyone and everything. To top it off I'm going stir crazy here at home just waiting day in and day out analyzing every single thing I feel in my abdominal area (yes there is constant pain, so I try to distinguish between the different types).

I....I...I....need to stop thinking about myself :-(

I want to exercise today...but I feel like if I do this baby will fall right out. Which wouldn't be a problem but I really want this baby to be full term and I just have to wait two more weeks then I'll be able to try and get him out!

I desperately do not want to gain another pound......seriously if they bump the scale up past a certain number next week at the dr's I will break into tears infront of an entire office of nurses and dr.s!

I'm anxious about driving carpool and hate it more than words can describe!

I'm worried that my valentines date won't go well with my husband, cause I don't feel pretty or skinny and blow up at the slightest provocation...it makes for a very volatile situation when I am alone with my sweetheart!

I'm ready to be skinny again...I'm ready to go running for an hour and feel the sweat drip off me and feel the ache in my muscles the next day!

I'm done cleaning out poop from my daughter's underwear/diapers....but if I give up now I will not only have wasted an entire month of potty training, but will not be able to afford the cost of having two children in diapers!

I'm tired of reading with my daughter (isn't that awful) ...but I am tired of reading 40-60 mins a day at the speed of a five year old just because she is competitive and wants to win this reading contest at her school (that she has no chance of winning because she is five)!

I drive myself crazy obsessing over all of the things that I can't do and want to do......

The cure....I need to stop thinking about what I want or feel I need and I'm trying to think of the others in my sweet family and my dear friends who are all needing support. I also need to think about my siblings and what they need. For example my brother's birthday is tomorrow and I almost forgot about it because I am so focused on having a pity party for myself.

36 wks...not all the way there yet, but at bare minimum I have two more weeks to spoil my sweet kids and husband and do things for others.