I want to preface my statements today by assuring you that I am no marriage expert. I have been married almost 9 yrs. to a wonderful man, who is not perfect...but that's OK because I am far from perfect as well. As much as I believe I know about a happy marriage, I acknowledge that I really know nothing at all.
First of all I think women need to take a step back when reading suggestions from other women on marriage and view them as opinions, from people who have neither a counseling degree nor the wisdom of decades of experience. Whatever one person says about marriage, it may or may not be an accurate portrayal of reality. Another statement to add is that you have no idea whether they are or are not even still married to this person they are flouting as perfect.
People who are honest about life, acknowledge that there are times and seasons to everything, including marital bliss. Being happy has as much to do with suffering through well calculated insults, dreading your spouse coming home and having a hard time looking at them without feelings resembling hate; as it does with constantly thinking of the other’s needs, showing devotion through actions as well as words and even having constant physical intimacy.
Perseverance is as important as positive thoughts, leaping at the first chance to get away from your spouse is as important as loving every moment you spend with them. Yes it is good to focus on all the things you can do to show love, but don't get caught up in believing that therein lays the secret to happiness. There are two sides to every equation, and negativity exists; ignoring the hard things in marriage suggests to those you interact with that if there is any negativity or hard things there is something wrong with a relationship. A normal, healthy relationship includes losing control of your emotions every once in a while.
I have learned through a pain-staking trial and error that I should temper my emotional outbursts and let go of so many things that annoy, infuriate or even degrade me. Many comments that are hurtful weren't said with that intent. Many actions that make one feel unimportant, little or unappreciated are often the result of a tired spouse, not a vindictive enemy.
At times it may seem that you are white-knuckling and suppressing every urge you have to let out your honest feelings. Sometimes there will be outbursts, where you will make a mountain out of a molehill; but those too are a healthy part of marriage. In my limited studies in Child and Family development obtaining my minor in college I learned that it is not the ferocity of your fights that predicts divorce. I know I have said this before on this blog and to the (three possible) people who actually are interested in anything I put on this blog:-), but happiness is better predicted by the ratio of good to bad as opposed to the absence of fighting altogether.
My point in this post is not to discount the good things that can happen from reading a post on 101 ways to improve your marriage, or to suggest that people should not be actively looking for ways to spice up their marriages or ways to improve their relationships. My point is that you should take those posts with the honesty (or lack thereof) with which they were written.
I admit I bristle (more than slightly) when I read that women should exercise so that they can keep their spouses interested in intercourse. Or that you should always greet your spouse at the door with a long kiss, or that you should have sex as much as possible and ignore the tired, achy feelings of motherhood (or pregnancy) and focus on the fact that if you don't it will result in a failed marriage. I find it condescending and misogynistic to make women return to the ideals of the 50's that caused the backlash of the women's lib movement; which in turn caused its own backlash of Dr. Laura and "The proper care and feeding of husbands". Let's break that cycle with honesty. It's not one way or the other; you can be a woman who acknowledges that you may not always be perfectly thin, always wanting to have sex and making perfect meals every day in a spotless house without ever losing your temper. And yes you can acknowledge all those things and still be a super sexy woman who loves her family and has a great intimate relationship with her spouse.
It's also about understanding that everything is not about the bedroom (even for men:-); because if all it took to make a spouse happy was acting as if you'd be ready for the bedroom anytime, then men wouldn't get married at all and would simply rely on prostitutes and pornography to satisfy lusts (which sadly is becoming a growing number of men in this world). Real men know that love is about enjoying the ebb and flow of every part of a life shared together. It is OK to expect your man to evolve beyond their lusts into a loving relationship with you. One where your body is celebrated at every stage of being a wife and mother. You can enjoy each other as much when you are dealing with a softened, stretch-marked belly and the soft motherly insulation around your chin post-baby as when your body is hard, trim and muscular after a year of training for 5ks and half marathons. Both are beautiful realities of the life cycle of a mother.
A healthy relationship in the bedroom is about getting rid of physical expectations and celebrating what is real. The same goes for the other aspects of a relationship. I know a couple who laugh with each other every day over the things that go wrong (constantly) in raising a family of four boys. They disagree, and all the while smile and laugh at each other's crazy mistakes, unintelligible comments or even misdirected and misguided actions.
It's not about being perfect people, it's about celebrating each other’s imperfections and moving beyond them and not letting them define each other. I know many people who suggest you never say anything unfavorable about your spouse to anyone. I think this can be good counsel but there are those who are in abusive relationships where they should talk with others, and need to so that their spouses know that there are people beyond their spouse who they will be held accountable to if they insist on abusive behaviors. Keeping abusive behavior (that includes emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse) secret does nobody a favor. You are not helping your relationship to keep a hurtful action secret. It is the job of every good friend and family member to support a woman in their relationship as long as they decide to be in that relationship. But they should be allowed to talk about what they are going through.
That comes with a responsibility of knowing whom with which to share your marriage details. If your mother will undercut your relationship choose another safe source that supports you. Above all find someone to talk to, even if it's a therapist. In all the posts I have read about keeping marriages healthy I have not ever seen finding a neutral third party to confide in as a way to improve relationships. It is a rookie mistake of any married person to believe somebody is headed for divorce because they are going to counseling. People who invest in counseling are those who are willing to do anything to save a marriage and it should be listed as a way to improve relationships not kept as a stigma only to be used by those whose marriages can't be fixed by a woman going to the gym more and being more willing to have sex.
Men wouldn't be so opposed to going if we as women refused to let it have a stigma.
Counselors come in every shape and size and finding someone in whom to confide doesn't have to cost you any money. Sometimes you can find a grandparent who you have seen in a generally happy and steady relationship through many years who can place your troubles into perspective. Or even a couple who is a little older than you who seem to be yielding positive results in their relationship. Great counsel can come from those who are divorced and have experienced the very thing that you are striving to avoid. For those who are deeply religious seeking counsel from an ecclesiastical leader can be an extremely beneficial use of time. Even a friend of similar (or even younger) age and situation can be a great resource, but don't be afraid to ask for help. If you tell a trusted source your troubles you are not ruining your marriage, asking for advice and help is a sign of an individual/ couple who truly are committed to making it work.
All I ask of anybody who comes across my "advice" is that you think twice before committing to some of the extremes that are being raised as a standard for a good wife. I have not put any value in some lists that suggest unrealistic things like “yes it is possible to never speak an angry word to your spouse”, give me a break (and yourself for that matter). Allow for mistakes, and be happy that you aren’t perfect. Perfect people generally are called back to heaven early and I’m sure you and your spouse don’t want to die earlyJ Enjoy each other’s imperfections and give yourself some room to improve, go easy on yourself. Definitely try to improve things but make sure that you are actually making improvements instead of instituting some unknown person’s presently working suggestions. Remember their situation may have changed since they typed that and they may actually be improving the truth in the first place.
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