The cliche truth

You can't have it all. These days if you are a realist, you are touted as a dream killer. I do believe in reaching for the stars, but I am realistic enough to know that you might fall on your butt trying. Of course it is better to reach as high as you can, raising expectations produces better results. Then again stretching yourself too thin depletes all your energy and makes everything you do suffer. What I want to discuss is the unrealistic assumption out there that women can have it all.

There is a problem with today's society not only telling women to have it all, but expecting it of them. And if a women has problems with this unattainable goal they are subjected to the ridicule of the world. Lets specifically address the debate between stay at home vs. working moms. The truth simply is that regardless of what you choose you will suffer guilt and one thing or the other will suffer in quality. Stay at home mothers suffer guilt that they aren't fulfilling their dreams and are not setting that example for their children. Working mothers, even if they are extremely successful, suffer the guilt of not being with their children. Anyone, or I guess I should say any mother who has watched other people's children, knows that no matter how hard you try, you cannot feel about other children they way you feel about your own. The cliche that no one loves you like your mother is sooooo true. So either choice elicits guilt. And those that try to walk the middle road trying to devote time to both still find that there is guilt for time spent away from children, and time spent away from a career. You will always be the one missing promotions and not advancing as fast as full time coworkers. You will always be the one who isn't a full time mom. You are neither here nor there.

I am not saying that any one choice is better than another. I think that any choice you make has a detrimental effect on you and your children. It may sound harsh or pessimistic, but I am trying to liberate women. Stop expecting that having it all is a standard you must reach. Accept the fact that no matter what you do, you are going to suffer some ill effects in some way. Figure out what guilt you can deal with and try focusing on different things at different times. Expecting women to do it all and still look cute at the end of the day doesn't result in happier women; all it does is reduce the quality of those women.

My mother asked me the other day if she thought my family suffered during the time I was desperately trying to finish my degree. I told her that of course they did, but that was in my mind justifiable suffering, because the suffering would be much worse if I ended up a single mom and didn't have a degree. I've been trying to explain this concept to my husband. He is so depressed that he can't spend very much time with his children and wife, because of his school. The truth is he is right. His relationships with our daughters and our marriage does suffer when he devotes the majority of his time to work and school. The bottom line is though that it is the greater good to have him finish his degree, and in the long run it will be better for our family to have the primary provider's school finished.

This is even true with two children. The horrid conclusion that I have come to is that I can't possibly satisfy the needs of both my children at once. My three year old won't get a story read to her while I am changing my youngest's diaper. And my youngest will have to cry a little while I make lunch for my oldest. But the alternative of only having one child does a disservice to your children as well. They will be spoiled and not learn neccessary skills like sharing and the ability to love another child.

I realize that this a negative way to view the situation, but guilt plagues the modern woman like inequality plagued her 50 years ago. Every mother I know feels it and every special on tv reinforces my belief that there is a problem in this country of expecting way too much from women. We were not liberated just to enslave ourselves by our own expectations. The idea of having everything we want right now without sacrificing at all is laughable. We need to free ourselves from the false idea that we need to have it all at once. Maybe we can have it all, but not all at the same time. A little now and a little later will have to suffice.