Does anyone else every find that no matter how hard they try it's never enough. You work all day to clean the house and it's still dirty at the end of the day. You cook an amazing meal and your husband either shows up after it's cold cause he neglected to tell you he was busy that evening, or he eats it and says "It's nice" when you ask him "how is it?" You read to your kids, play with them and just because you have to discipline them they yell "You're not the best mommy in the world!". I try so hard to be nice to everyone I meet and people seem to find me overbearing or a person who just tries too hard (quoting my sister in law).
I love my family but I shared with them why I don't want to have a dozen kids and instead of saying ok I understand you have a hard time they say, you shouldn't be around your kids if you have negative feelings towards them.
I called one of my best friends today by a different name. She took it fine, but I felt like a heel. My daughter refused to put on the expensive hat I bought for her and so I couldn't play with her at the park instead I went running while she pouted in the stroller.
I'm having a very hard time lately and I can't seem to get out of this funk I'm in. I just want to be happy. I have a wonderful husband who supports us financially and doesn't yell at me for anything. I've got two healthy children. I have a house in a nice neighborhood and I have a religion that fills my heart with sunshine and which I truly believe in.
Why can't I shake this bad mood. I just want to be happy, but sometimes it just feels like I care way too much about things other people just don't find worthy enough to think about. I wish I could be like the cool kids, you know the people who don't care what other people think and to heck with anybody who disagrees with them, cause they don't need them anyway.
I'm not that way and maybe that's why over the years several people have found it uncomfortable to be around me because my personality just has too much to it. My mom says my dad is the same, you either love or hate him. The thing is Dad doesn't mind if people don't like him or his personality. He's secure enough with himself that he ignores the fact that people may not like him and treats everyone like they are his best friend anyway.
I guess what I am saying is that I want to be a better person. I think those who close themselves off to caring about what others think stunt their growth, because to a certain degree it means they believe they are above reproach and have nothing to improve. But I think focusing too much on what you do wrong is stunting as well. It just all boils down to the fact that it is never really enough, not for myself or others which means that I need to be more thick skinned and keep plugging along trying to personally improve.
Little Bed room Enhancing Suggestions
8 years ago
6 comments:
Tana dear! It's Becca! (Sellers) Oh my goodness how time flies! I found your blog and read this and well...I just want to say AMEN! I think we all have times like this. I scrolled back through your blog and was so inspired by your post about running. I remember us running around the park behind my house and you'd just talk and tell me stories the whole time to keep my mind off of it. You were awesome! I really need to get into running again. It reminds me of you. You're such an amazing lady. Thanks for making a difference in my life. We need to catch up! Where are you living, what's up, etc? Thanks for writing like it is. Love ya!
Thanks for the post! For some reason we (mothers) feel this way, and we think we are the only ones. You are not alone! :)
Tana!!! Oh my heck thank you for writing this!! One I think your amazing and we need to get together soon but 2 I have totally been feeling this way alot lately to!!! I thought I was the only one. I bust mmy butt but often wonder if its to much!! Yikes. I think your amazing thanks for your example!!
Cadance and I were talking about this last night. I think women were born with low self esteem and I am not sure what we do about it. I think all of us think everyone else hates us. Sometimes it is true, but sometimes we hate other people too. God didn't make us all to be buddies and sometimes people click and sometimes they don't. Just think of the time it would take if you really clicked with everyone in your life. That makes me tired.
I don't think all women were born with low self esteem, I think we all have times where we feel inadequate, MEN included. This is not a "failing characteristic" of women or mothers, it is a human characteristic and it bothers me to be placed in such a way. I guess the way I get through the inadequate times is that I think if I'm doing what I want to be doing, if I'm okay with the choices I've made for my life's path, why does it matter what anyone else thinks or says?
Why does it matter if my husband approves of what I chose to make for dinner? Sure I want him to enjoy it, but if he doesn't, why is it my fault?
I don't have my own children yet, but I teach teens. The worst teens of the school, in fact, the teens the other teachers don't want in their classes. I work my butt off to make sure they are getting what they need at school and do they care? Most of the time no, but I do it anyway because they need an advocate, they need someone to care about their education and I do. I enjoy these kids SO much and sure its frustrating to see them make poor choices and to be ungrateful for the time I put into them, but I'M the one choosing to do so.
I decided to wait 4 years after HS to get married and another 4 1/2 after that to have a baby. I am also choosing to work after my baby is born- FULL TIME. There are plenty of people who criticise my choice for my profession, for the name I chose for my child, my decision to wait to "start a family", to work when I have a child, to have "played" for so long after HS, to be renting a home, I could name SO many more things people are critical about in my life.
The point is, if I focus on the lack of support I have for MY decisions, I will be unhappy. Do what you want and be okay with the choice you made, don't base it off other people's acceptance of it. If you want to be a mom, be a mom, if you want to be a wife, a mom, and a friend, then be all of them and realize that you will do better at some one day, at better at the other the next day.
You will make it through, we all do. If you're doing what you want to be doing, and it's a positive thing, trying to better the lives of others, why does it matter what anyone else thinks?
Tana I feel a lot like that lately. I cook, clean, try to make everything right, and I just feel like it's never enough. Being a mom is like a job that never pays. Only you do everything that should get paid 6 figures, but you get amazing blessings of children and joy along with the sadness. It's all worth it in the end. And you are so lucky, from what you said, your husband is amazing!
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