Today or to be more precise yesterday sucked!!

It is midnight and I am writing a blog post.  What does that say about me, my mind or my life?  I am so....frustrated sometimes with the way that life turns out.  I am so tired of feeling like my feelings are wrong, sometimes I really just want to be right.  Well if I'm being honest I always want to feel right.  Lately though it feels as if every feeling I have I know I shouldn't feel.

There are times when I am glad that very few people read this.  There was a time when I wanted some sort of notoriety or notice from the world at large or from a sizable group of people.  At this point right now I am incredibly glad that there are only a handful of people who care what I have to say.  I've seen a few semi famous bloggers and seen people attack every little thing they say, do or post.  It saddens me that it is easier to be harsh and hurtful over the Internet than anyone could be in person.  Well anyway that is one of many reasons that I feel safe writing to a few seemingly interested folk.  It is nice to feel heard, by a few strangers and a few people who know me and all of whom will be kind and forgiving of anything I post here.

I had a horrible start to my day today.  I woke up late and besides not having time to get ready for church I realized that; due to very recent instructions from regional ecclesiastical leaders regarding what I can and can't use to teach children songs; all of the things I prepared for use were not going to fit within the rigid guidelines they set. Scrambling for some last minute changes proved too much of a challenge to actually arrive at church on time.  Coming in late I found an entirely new set of leaders sitting on the stand.  A man who I had never before laid eyes on was my new ecclesiastical leader.  I just wasn't expecting it; I knew that they might change the leadership but I expected that since I had been living in this area for almost four years that I would have at the very least heard of or seen the man before.  I got over the shock and attempted to adjust my mind to the new reality.  That done, I worked my hardest to teach the children a new song; it went OK.  I was on my way home feeling better.  It wasn't what I had expected of that day but I was feeling better about things.

Then I walked up to the front of my house and realized I didn't have our garage door opener.....I had left through the garage so I knew I brought it with me to church but I did not have it when I got home.  I walked back to the church and got on my hands and knees looking for it amongst the pews; after checking with the lost and found I staggered back home dejected.  My children just seemed to get on my nerves and despite my husbands best efforts at being understanding I was beyond the point of dealing with things anymore.

I threw a fit and went to my room and napped.  I didn't want to deal with the kids, I didn't want to talk to my husband and I certainly didn't want to think about all the things my mind insisted on thinking about.

After a long nap  I got up and prepared a meal for my family and grudgingly watched them play a gaming system that I never thought I would have in my home.  When the kids finally went to sleep I breathed a sigh of relief.  Perhaps without the audience of little children I'd feel less encumbered and more able to wind down and get ready to face another week of life.  Then it happened.

I am not shocked anymore when I hear my sister is in the hospital.  It is a common part of life now.  But I will never get used to talking to my mother on the phone about it.....she is so heartbroken, she is so worn down......it is always too much to deal with.

Informing my family that we are dealing with the same thing, yet again is never something I will get used to either.  And this is the first time that I have to let my missionary sister know over an email that her sister is feeling so alone, desperate and scared that she is not safe being outside of a hospital. 

I hate feeling annoyed every time I get the call.  If my first reaction was always one of love, support and charity perhaps I might not feel like the scum of the earth.  But I am beginning to automatically roll my eyes when I hear the words.......

Why can't I feel the emotions I should feel when I get slammed with something?  Why can't I be the person who feels nothing but love and acceptance all the time?  I want to be better.   I want to be so much more than what I am.....and right now I feel weak, tired and too run down to navigate life with even the least amount of dignity.

I don't want to feel like my sister is a burden....but I do.  I don't want to feel tired of my children and husband...but I do.  I don't want to feel annoyed because I don't know my new leader......but I do.  I don't want to feel so weighed down by feelings and emotions that I can't sleep because my mind won't stop deconstructing my world and coming up with the same conclusions.

It all just jumbles into a giant haze.  Or actually it is really simple.  I just have to stop when I think something and decide whether or not it is something I want to be thinking and then if it isn't who I want to be find a way to get rid of those thoughts.  But it isn't easy and it so often involves talking to a good friend.  Not because my husband won't discuss it with me....but he always says the wrong thing.  Always unintentionally of course but I just can't talk to him about things where I feel so emotionally unstable and upset at myself for my feelings.

Perhaps that's why I like to "complain" on my blog at times.  I want somebody to hear me....I want to know that somebody out there possibly feels the same way and relates.  Really I count myself lucky that I don't write to a large audience, because I have no desire whatsoever to hear anybody tell me that I am a bad person or that what I am dealing with is nothing compared to somebody else.

I just had a crummy day and I needed a (safe) place to look at it, as objectively as I can.  And it really doesn't hurt that a few people actually read this because they care about me, my sanity and sometimes about the originality or even honesty of my thoughts.

Peace out friends and here's hoping tomorrow will be just a little brighter than today was:-)