Not wanting to get up...

This morning I had to give myself a loooong pep talk just to get up. Not cause I'm overwhelmed (even though I am), not because my kids are driving me crazy (they were actually pretty cute this morning), not because I had so much housework to do that I could spend the entire day working and not make a dent..........

..........the real reason is that I feel so incredibly fat that getting out of bed just depresses me. Yes, it is true that I am 20 wks pregnant and gaining weight is part of the job. But no matter how hard I try I just can't get used to gaining weight. It absolutely feels wrong....and the worst part is when I am feeling super heavy and regretting the choices I've made with food, I can't go running for an hour to feel better. Set aside the fact that I don't have time....I haven't been running for so long. First I was sick for a few months and then I just seriously was way too overbooked to get anything done. So now not only am I gaining weight, but I am seriously out of shape to boot.

The only silver lining is I am just barely reaching the weight I was at when I got pregnant with my first two. Yes this is a nice bonus, but my total weight gain is well over fifteen pounds and I'm only half done with this thing.

Please don't think I obsess over my weight all the time (well I do), but I don't usually talk about it during the day and I try not to ever mention it infront of the kids. I do not want to be their excuse for obsessing over it, there are plenty other reasons for them to obsess...I really don't want to add to that list.

So instead I am whining and complaining about it on my blog. Not because I am looking for others to tell me it's ok (but I'd be fine if some of you did :-) If I was really looking to be validated in my weight gain then I'd post something on facebook where all my near and dear friends would comment about everything that is normal and funny about my situation. Instead I wanted to just vent...you know. There is nothing I can do to stop gaining weight and yes my tiny next door neighbor is pregnant at the same time as me and is going to be much smaller then me the entire time (yes I'm talking about you Stacy;-)

It's ok and I know that but I had a really, really hard time getting out of bed facing what is happening to my body again. Fellow body sacrificing women, I feel your pain. Yes we get a precious baby out of the experience but it is not without a cost.

I also know that others would give anything in the world to mutilate their bodies just to have a chance to give birth and I don't mean to lessen their pain in any way.....but it isn't easy seeing something you worked so hard at for so long slip away knowing that you are going to have to work twice or three times as hard to get it back.

Ok I'm done....thanks for listening:-)

freedom

Definition:

-to jump out of a car while it's moving

-the right to make wrong choices

-breaking the law although minor, but still illegal

-the ability to suffer alone

-bareknuckled battle to drive without a seatbelt

-freedom was always there...it was the fight

-the terrible serrated life...cut off from the formicary of your birth

-But you and you alone severed the thread!

Tana Horton 2010

School and stress!!

Does anyone out there ever get the feeling that they make life harder for their children? My eldest daughter started Kindergarten. I really get that this is a hard transition for her, but I can't help but feel that I am just making it harder by trying to help.

Here's the deal. My daughter is a seemingly well adjusted 5 yr old who loves to go to school and adores her teacher, her friends, learning in general and especially recess. She seems to get the concepts being taught and even get along with her peers fairly well. But whenever she doesn't win at anything she totally has a meltdown.

They play a scrap game where they have to find the "magic scrap" and whenever she doesn't find it she cries. The teacher also gives out "yes" tickets to students who are being quiet right before the bell. Whenever she doesn't get one she cries.

Today she won a coloring contest and got to go the office for a special prize, and even though she got singled out she still had a hard time and had attitude because she didn't get a "yes" ticket. My husband thinks it's because she doesn't understand how special it was to win a contest based on effort, and he may be right....but still....really. I just have the hardest time not exploding all over her and saying "what is wrong with you". Of course I refrain and try and talk to her calmly about how important it is that everyone in her class gets a chance to win things like the scrap game and the "yes" tickets.

The other problem she seems to be having is that I get a little misty eyed when sending her with carpool. I ask her for a hug and she gets sad too. A few times she has cried all the way to school because she says she misses me. I know that I am causing her to have a hard time going to school because I am sad to see her go, but I'm not sure what I can do to stop the emotions from rising when I see my little girl leaving me and growing up.

I know all her problems are my fault from not teaching her correctly or giving her enough natural consequences or being to overly anxious myself over everything in general. I feel as if everything I do to make things better just makes it worse and proves to her that I am a crazy neurotic mother who one day she will roll her eyes at and feign listening to.

I just wanted her to love me forever in her little girl way and tell me everything that is of consequence to her and yet still respect me as an authority figure. Is that really too much to ask?

I dream in chocolate!!!

How long will I sit and wonder
about white flour days and
brown sugar nights? For the longer
I ponder what my life

is missing, the more I yearn for
those cinnamon flavored
spring times. All the time hoping for
the things in my powder

sugar past to melt into a
chocolate afternoon
warmed in the oven to form a
honey butter glazed sun-

set. As my life fades I never
will wrap my tongue around that
rich and yet fluffy texture
I am always smelling.

Tana Horton

Ahhh your very first car!

My eighteen year old sister just got her first car. She is a lovely girl who has been through more than her share of struggles in her young life; which is why most of her friends and family state "you deserve it!" with love and pride. Me on the other hand can't help but think "You don't deserve that sweetie", in the kindest way because you see I've had a first car at eighteen and I know what she is getting into.

I was eighteen and entering Weber State University as a freshman. I didn't decide I needed a car instead my parents and my older brother made the decision for me. You see my eldest brother had just started school as well and my parents had taken him to see my uncle who at the time sold used fords in Boise. My brother being the slightly yeilding type was convinced to buy a somewhat old and beat up Ford Aspire for I think somewhere between $2000 and $3000. Has anyone heard of this car, well if you haven't count yourself lucky.

My brother happens to be 6'4" and this was not the best choice for a tall and muscular college student looking to impress the ladies (he looked alot like Mr. Incredible in his tiny car) so after about a month he and my parents convinced me that I needed the car and I proceeded to empty my bank account to pay my brother for the down payment he made on the car. I faithfully made the monthly payments for less than a year, many times making double payments because the loan amount was so low I figured why not get the creditors off my back (Smart right? No not so much).

You see my parents being who they are and my brother being who he is never thought it mattered much whether the car ever be put in my name. So my brother can thank me for the "credit" that went to his score instead of mine. Aside from that it was a fine car that didn't have air conditioning and actually set itself on fire once while I was driving to to work. I got to learn to drive a stick so that is something but learning from my lovely brother on the streets of Bountiful was worse than any freshman class I had that year, and stalling in the middle of the intersection of Harrison and highway 89 will always stand as a lovely memory.

When I got engaged the next summer and decided that my husband and I could not afford two cars on minimum wage and paying for two full time students tuition, my family convinced me that I wouldn't be able to sell the car for anything (and they were probably right, who'd want a ford aspire). So it was suggested that my younger sister (with help from my parents) would take over payments. So my dear little sister got that amazing car and paid it off very quickly and I think sold it to someone for a very reasonable price, because after all who wants a ford aspire?

I think out of everyone I put the most money into that car over the year I had it and I got the very least, less than a year of driving. I don't begrudge my family for the incident, in fact I counted it as one of the most important fiscal lessons I ever learned. I just was thinking about my poor little sister and can't help suggesting "You may be better off riding the bus:-)"