Friday, October 29, 2010

Extremely lucky, blessed...or whatever word fits


When I was my youngest daughter's age I lived in a small cozy house. Me and my (at the time) three other siblings shared a bedroom. My two elder brothers slept in a bunkbed and then there was a twin that me and my sister shared. This room was not meant to be a bedroom it was actually more of a pantry. With the bunk bed and twin in there there was maybe a two foot squared space left.

As my parents added three more children to our little home in Horsefly B.C. my dad built an addition so that there were two more bedrooms. We never had that much, in fact I can remember the few times in my young life where I got new clothes or shoes instead of hand-me-downs.

I bring this up because I was looking at my little girls room last night. They have a store bought bunk bed (ours were always homemade), they have two beautiful dressers, a dollhouse book shelf and a real dollhouse with all the attachements. Under their bed are bins of toys. In their closet are close to ten dress up princess dresses. Along with several more bins of toys. In our basement they have a play kitchen. They have a trampoline in the backyard along with their swingset and sandbox.

Now I don't want to diminish what I had growing up. My dad built a treehouse in a grove of trees near our house. He made a basketball court and we had a horse that we could ride whenever we liked. We had an awesome sandbox and in the wintertime my dad flooded the pond to make a homemade ice rink we got to skate on.

I was incredibly blessed growing up and I had alot of things many people never have. But I can't help but look at my lovely house that has enough room for my family and a craft room for me. And I can't help but look at the dollhouse my children have and think how incredibly lucky and blessed they are.

Growing up I always had what I needed and an outdoor wonderland to play in. But my children are so lucky to have what they have too. I know what is important and both me in my childhood and my children in theirs have what is most important, a family that loves them.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Not wanting to get up...

This morning I had to give myself a loooong pep talk just to get up. Not cause I'm overwhelmed (even though I am), not because my kids are driving me crazy (they were actually pretty cute this morning), not because I had so much housework to do that I could spend the entire day working and not make a dent..........

..........the real reason is that I feel so incredibly fat that getting out of bed just depresses me. Yes, it is true that I am 20 wks pregnant and gaining weight is part of the job. But no matter how hard I try I just can't get used to gaining weight. It absolutely feels wrong....and the worst part is when I am feeling super heavy and regretting the choices I've made with food, I can't go running for an hour to feel better. Set aside the fact that I don't have time....I haven't been running for so long. First I was sick for a few months and then I just seriously was way too overbooked to get anything done. So now not only am I gaining weight, but I am seriously out of shape to boot.

The only silver lining is I am just barely reaching the weight I was at when I got pregnant with my first two. Yes this is a nice bonus, but my total weight gain is well over fifteen pounds and I'm only half done with this thing.

Please don't think I obsess over my weight all the time (well I do), but I don't usually talk about it during the day and I try not to ever mention it infront of the kids. I do not want to be their excuse for obsessing over it, there are plenty other reasons for them to obsess...I really don't want to add to that list.

So instead I am whining and complaining about it on my blog. Not because I am looking for others to tell me it's ok (but I'd be fine if some of you did :-) If I was really looking to be validated in my weight gain then I'd post something on facebook where all my near and dear friends would comment about everything that is normal and funny about my situation. Instead I wanted to just vent...you know. There is nothing I can do to stop gaining weight and yes my tiny next door neighbor is pregnant at the same time as me and is going to be much smaller then me the entire time (yes I'm talking about you Stacy;-)

It's ok and I know that but I had a really, really hard time getting out of bed facing what is happening to my body again. Fellow body sacrificing women, I feel your pain. Yes we get a precious baby out of the experience but it is not without a cost.

I also know that others would give anything in the world to mutilate their bodies just to have a chance to give birth and I don't mean to lessen their pain in any way.....but it isn't easy seeing something you worked so hard at for so long slip away knowing that you are going to have to work twice or three times as hard to get it back.

Ok I'm done....thanks for listening:-)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

freedom

Definition:

-to jump out of a car while it's moving

-the right to make wrong choices

-breaking the law although minor, but still illegal

-the ability to suffer alone

-bareknuckled battle to drive without a seatbelt

-freedom was always there...it was the fight

-the terrible serrated life...cut off from the formicary of your birth

-But you and you alone severed the thread!

Tana Horton 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

School and stress!!

Does anyone out there ever get the feeling that they make life harder for their children? My eldest daughter started Kindergarten. I really get that this is a hard transition for her, but I can't help but feel that I am just making it harder by trying to help.

Here's the deal. My daughter is a seemingly well adjusted 5 yr old who loves to go to school and adores her teacher, her friends, learning in general and especially recess. She seems to get the concepts being taught and even get along with her peers fairly well. But whenever she doesn't win at anything she totally has a meltdown.

They play a scrap game where they have to find the "magic scrap" and whenever she doesn't find it she cries. The teacher also gives out "yes" tickets to students who are being quiet right before the bell. Whenever she doesn't get one she cries.

Today she won a coloring contest and got to go the office for a special prize, and even though she got singled out she still had a hard time and had attitude because she didn't get a "yes" ticket. My husband thinks it's because she doesn't understand how special it was to win a contest based on effort, and he may be right....but still....really. I just have the hardest time not exploding all over her and saying "what is wrong with you". Of course I refrain and try and talk to her calmly about how important it is that everyone in her class gets a chance to win things like the scrap game and the "yes" tickets.

The other problem she seems to be having is that I get a little misty eyed when sending her with carpool. I ask her for a hug and she gets sad too. A few times she has cried all the way to school because she says she misses me. I know that I am causing her to have a hard time going to school because I am sad to see her go, but I'm not sure what I can do to stop the emotions from rising when I see my little girl leaving me and growing up.

I know all her problems are my fault from not teaching her correctly or giving her enough natural consequences or being to overly anxious myself over everything in general. I feel as if everything I do to make things better just makes it worse and proves to her that I am a crazy neurotic mother who one day she will roll her eyes at and feign listening to.

I just wanted her to love me forever in her little girl way and tell me everything that is of consequence to her and yet still respect me as an authority figure. Is that really too much to ask?

Monday, August 16, 2010

I dream in chocolate!!!

How long will I sit and wonder
about white flour days and
brown sugar nights? For the longer
I ponder what my life

is missing, the more I yearn for
those cinnamon flavored
spring times. All the time hoping for
the things in my powder

sugar past to melt into a
chocolate afternoon
warmed in the oven to form a
honey butter glazed sun-

set. As my life fades I never
will wrap my tongue around that
rich and yet fluffy texture
I am always smelling.

Tana Horton