I've been thinking lately about a post a friend of mine did about being a mother. She said that she doesn't have any need for outside validation or additional income as a source of validation. She is so into being a mother that she is happy doing exactly what she is doing.
I am very in awe of this person and I've been trying to think of why I don't feel that way. I love being a mother and don't get me wrong I love my children more than life itself. I would die before letting any harm come to either of my girls, but I still feel like I need some sort of external validation.
I believe that the reason I still feel a need for wordly accolades is that I have a large amount of something many would call "male" ambition. I have a desire for the world to think highly of what I do. I believe it stems back to when I was a teenager. When I was thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up, mother was not what sprung to mind. It's not that I didn't want to be a mother, I did; but I also believed that if I never met the right guy or had an opportunity to get married I wasn't going to feel like life wouldn't be worth it. I didn't think much at all about getting married and having kids. Instead I had detailed plans about finishing school and starting a career I would be proud of.
It wasn't that I thought so little of myself that I didn't believe I would ever get married, I just knew that not everyone gets married and I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment. Of course I dreamed of companionship from a wonderful man (very much like my husband), but I wasn't going to define myself as any less of a person if I never found someone.
Then to the surprise of me and my family I found a wonderful man, while I was still quite young. My husband was such a wonderful catch that I knew if I passed on him I would regret it for the rest of my life. I never wanted to get married young, but I did.
The only problem was that I never got rid of my "male" ambition. And although I have a degree and may someday go back for a graduate degree I am primarily defined as a mother, not anything else.
I admire my friends who can be incredibly satisfied with staying at home. My one friend said that she is a mom because she chose to be one, not because she had to be one. I don't feel like I have to be a mom or was forced to because of circumstances, I chose this. But I don't know if I will ever shake off the desire to be defined as more than a mother. I do want to change the world. I know that being a mother does change the world in a profound way, but not everybody sees that and that is where my downfall will always be. I want people to respect deeply the work of mothers and I don't think anyone but mothers ever will.
While it is amazing that some people are naturally satisfied being a mother, I have to work at it. I think that may be what ends up defining me. The fact that I work every day at loving and respecting what I do as something that is admirable.
Happy Mothers Day to every mother out there who is not always happy being "just a mom". At least you do it even though it's hard. Fighting for something will always make it worthwhile to you. I honor mother's everywhere who try to stretch themselves beyond their natural capabilities to make the world better one child at a time.
I made a homemade fondant out of powdered sugar and marshmallows that turned out really yummy. The cake was carrot and I used a cream cheese frosting under the fondant. I had to show off this cake because it turned out so cute. The pan looks awful but it is clean I promise. I need a pretty platter.
