Today or to be more precise yesterday sucked!!

It is midnight and I am writing a blog post.  What does that say about me, my mind or my life?  I am so....frustrated sometimes with the way that life turns out.  I am so tired of feeling like my feelings are wrong, sometimes I really just want to be right.  Well if I'm being honest I always want to feel right.  Lately though it feels as if every feeling I have I know I shouldn't feel.

There are times when I am glad that very few people read this.  There was a time when I wanted some sort of notoriety or notice from the world at large or from a sizable group of people.  At this point right now I am incredibly glad that there are only a handful of people who care what I have to say.  I've seen a few semi famous bloggers and seen people attack every little thing they say, do or post.  It saddens me that it is easier to be harsh and hurtful over the Internet than anyone could be in person.  Well anyway that is one of many reasons that I feel safe writing to a few seemingly interested folk.  It is nice to feel heard, by a few strangers and a few people who know me and all of whom will be kind and forgiving of anything I post here.

I had a horrible start to my day today.  I woke up late and besides not having time to get ready for church I realized that; due to very recent instructions from regional ecclesiastical leaders regarding what I can and can't use to teach children songs; all of the things I prepared for use were not going to fit within the rigid guidelines they set. Scrambling for some last minute changes proved too much of a challenge to actually arrive at church on time.  Coming in late I found an entirely new set of leaders sitting on the stand.  A man who I had never before laid eyes on was my new ecclesiastical leader.  I just wasn't expecting it; I knew that they might change the leadership but I expected that since I had been living in this area for almost four years that I would have at the very least heard of or seen the man before.  I got over the shock and attempted to adjust my mind to the new reality.  That done, I worked my hardest to teach the children a new song; it went OK.  I was on my way home feeling better.  It wasn't what I had expected of that day but I was feeling better about things.

Then I walked up to the front of my house and realized I didn't have our garage door opener.....I had left through the garage so I knew I brought it with me to church but I did not have it when I got home.  I walked back to the church and got on my hands and knees looking for it amongst the pews; after checking with the lost and found I staggered back home dejected.  My children just seemed to get on my nerves and despite my husbands best efforts at being understanding I was beyond the point of dealing with things anymore.

I threw a fit and went to my room and napped.  I didn't want to deal with the kids, I didn't want to talk to my husband and I certainly didn't want to think about all the things my mind insisted on thinking about.

After a long nap  I got up and prepared a meal for my family and grudgingly watched them play a gaming system that I never thought I would have in my home.  When the kids finally went to sleep I breathed a sigh of relief.  Perhaps without the audience of little children I'd feel less encumbered and more able to wind down and get ready to face another week of life.  Then it happened.

I am not shocked anymore when I hear my sister is in the hospital.  It is a common part of life now.  But I will never get used to talking to my mother on the phone about it.....she is so heartbroken, she is so worn down......it is always too much to deal with.

Informing my family that we are dealing with the same thing, yet again is never something I will get used to either.  And this is the first time that I have to let my missionary sister know over an email that her sister is feeling so alone, desperate and scared that she is not safe being outside of a hospital. 

I hate feeling annoyed every time I get the call.  If my first reaction was always one of love, support and charity perhaps I might not feel like the scum of the earth.  But I am beginning to automatically roll my eyes when I hear the words.......

Why can't I feel the emotions I should feel when I get slammed with something?  Why can't I be the person who feels nothing but love and acceptance all the time?  I want to be better.   I want to be so much more than what I am.....and right now I feel weak, tired and too run down to navigate life with even the least amount of dignity.

I don't want to feel like my sister is a burden....but I do.  I don't want to feel tired of my children and husband...but I do.  I don't want to feel annoyed because I don't know my new leader......but I do.  I don't want to feel so weighed down by feelings and emotions that I can't sleep because my mind won't stop deconstructing my world and coming up with the same conclusions.

It all just jumbles into a giant haze.  Or actually it is really simple.  I just have to stop when I think something and decide whether or not it is something I want to be thinking and then if it isn't who I want to be find a way to get rid of those thoughts.  But it isn't easy and it so often involves talking to a good friend.  Not because my husband won't discuss it with me....but he always says the wrong thing.  Always unintentionally of course but I just can't talk to him about things where I feel so emotionally unstable and upset at myself for my feelings.

Perhaps that's why I like to "complain" on my blog at times.  I want somebody to hear me....I want to know that somebody out there possibly feels the same way and relates.  Really I count myself lucky that I don't write to a large audience, because I have no desire whatsoever to hear anybody tell me that I am a bad person or that what I am dealing with is nothing compared to somebody else.

I just had a crummy day and I needed a (safe) place to look at it, as objectively as I can.  And it really doesn't hurt that a few people actually read this because they care about me, my sanity and sometimes about the originality or even honesty of my thoughts.

Peace out friends and here's hoping tomorrow will be just a little brighter than today was:-)

Marriage tips ;)

Pinterest lately has been spinning with many tips for happy marriages. I know that a lot of people just repin things without looking at the link (I do that myself) but I have got to say that after actually going to a few of those sites and reading what those crackpots say I get a little bent out of shape. There are people writing suggestions and professing to be marriage experts who have not had any kids, have been married only a year or two or are of a very young age.

I want to preface my statements today by assuring you that I am no marriage expert. I have been married almost 9 yrs. to a wonderful man, who is not perfect...but that's OK because I am far from perfect as well. As much as I believe I know about a happy marriage, I acknowledge that I really know nothing at all.

First of all I think women need to take a step back when reading suggestions from other women on marriage and view them as opinions, from people who have neither a counseling degree nor the wisdom of decades of experience. Whatever one person says about marriage, it may or may not be an accurate portrayal of reality. Another statement to add is that you have no idea whether they are or are not even still married to this person they are flouting as perfect.

People who are honest about life, acknowledge that there are times and seasons to everything, including marital bliss. Being happy has as much to do with suffering through well calculated insults, dreading your spouse coming home and having a hard time looking at them without feelings resembling hate; as it does with constantly thinking of the other’s needs, showing devotion through actions as well as words and even having constant physical intimacy.

Perseverance is as important as positive thoughts, leaping at the first chance to get away from your spouse is as important as loving every moment you spend with them. Yes it is good to focus on all the things you can do to show love, but don't get caught up in believing that therein lays the secret to happiness. There are two sides to every equation, and negativity exists; ignoring the hard things in marriage suggests to those you interact with that if there is any negativity or hard things there is something wrong with a relationship. A normal, healthy relationship includes losing control of your emotions every once in a while.

I have learned through a pain-staking trial and error that I should temper my emotional outbursts and let go of so many things that annoy, infuriate or even degrade me. Many comments that are hurtful weren't said with that intent. Many actions that make one feel unimportant, little or unappreciated are often the result of a tired spouse, not a vindictive enemy.

At times it may seem that you are white-knuckling and suppressing every urge you have to let out your honest feelings. Sometimes there will be outbursts, where you will make a mountain out of a molehill; but those too are a healthy part of marriage. In my limited studies in Child and Family development obtaining my minor in college I learned that it is not the ferocity of your fights that predicts divorce. I know I have said this before on this blog and to the (three possible) people who actually are interested in anything I put on this blog:-), but happiness is better predicted by the ratio of good to bad as opposed to the absence of fighting altogether.

My point in this post is not to discount the good things that can happen from reading a post on 101 ways to improve your marriage, or to suggest that people should not be actively looking for ways to spice up their marriages or ways to improve their relationships. My point is that you should take those posts with the honesty (or lack thereof) with which they were written.

I admit I bristle (more than slightly) when I read that women should exercise so that they can keep their spouses interested in intercourse. Or that you should always greet your spouse at the door with a long kiss, or that you should have sex as much as possible and ignore the tired, achy feelings of motherhood (or pregnancy) and focus on the fact that if you don't it will result in a failed marriage. I find it condescending and misogynistic to make women return to the ideals of the 50's that caused the backlash of the women's lib movement; which in turn caused its own backlash of Dr. Laura and "The proper care and feeding of husbands". Let's break that cycle with honesty. It's not one way or the other; you can be a woman who acknowledges that you may not always be perfectly thin, always wanting to have sex and making perfect meals every day in a spotless house without ever losing your temper. And yes you can acknowledge all those things and still be a super sexy woman who loves her family and has a great intimate relationship with her spouse.

It's also about understanding that everything is not about the bedroom (even for men:-); because if all it took to make a spouse happy was acting as if you'd be ready for the bedroom anytime, then men wouldn't get married at all and would simply rely on prostitutes and pornography to satisfy lusts (which sadly is becoming a growing number of men in this world). Real men know that love is about enjoying the ebb and flow of every part of a life shared together. It is OK to expect your man to evolve beyond their lusts into a loving relationship with you. One where your body is celebrated at every stage of being a wife and mother. You can enjoy each other as much when you are dealing with a softened, stretch-marked belly and the soft motherly insulation around your chin post-baby as when your body is hard, trim and muscular after a year of training for 5ks and half marathons. Both are beautiful realities of the life cycle of a mother.

A healthy relationship in the bedroom is about getting rid of physical expectations and celebrating what is real. The same goes for the other aspects of a relationship. I know a couple who laugh with each other every day over the things that go wrong (constantly) in raising a family of four boys. They disagree, and all the while smile and laugh at each other's crazy mistakes, unintelligible comments or even misdirected and misguided actions.

It's not about being perfect people, it's about celebrating each other’s imperfections and moving beyond them and not letting them define each other. I know many people who suggest you never say anything unfavorable about your spouse to anyone. I think this can be good counsel but there are those who are in abusive relationships where they should talk with others, and need to so that their spouses know that there are people beyond their spouse who they will be held accountable to if they insist on abusive behaviors. Keeping abusive behavior (that includes emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse) secret does nobody a favor. You are not helping your relationship to keep a hurtful action secret. It is the job of every good friend and family member to support a woman in their relationship as long as they decide to be in that relationship. But they should be allowed to talk about what they are going through.

That comes with a responsibility of knowing whom with which to share your marriage details. If your mother will undercut your relationship choose another safe source that supports you. Above all find someone to talk to, even if it's a therapist. In all the posts I have read about keeping marriages healthy I have not ever seen finding a neutral third party to confide in as a way to improve relationships. It is a rookie mistake of any married person to believe somebody is headed for divorce because they are going to counseling. People who invest in counseling are those who are willing to do anything to save a marriage and it should be listed as a way to improve relationships not kept as a stigma only to be used by those whose marriages can't be fixed by a woman going to the gym more and being more willing to have sex.

Men wouldn't be so opposed to going if we as women refused to let it have a stigma.

Counselors come in every shape and size and finding someone in whom to confide doesn't have to cost you any money. Sometimes you can find a grandparent who you have seen in a generally happy and steady relationship through many years who can place your troubles into perspective. Or even a couple who is a little older than you who seem to be yielding positive results in their relationship. Great counsel can come from those who are divorced and have experienced the very thing that you are striving to avoid. For those who are deeply religious seeking counsel from an ecclesiastical leader can be an extremely beneficial use of time. Even a friend of similar (or even younger) age and situation can be a great resource, but don't be afraid to ask for help. If you tell a trusted source your troubles you are not ruining your marriage, asking for advice and help is a sign of an individual/ couple who truly are committed to making it work.

All I ask of anybody who comes across my "advice" is that you think twice before committing to some of the extremes that are being raised as a standard for a good wife.  I have not put any value in some lists that suggest unrealistic things like “yes it is possible to never speak an angry word to your spouse”, give me a break (and yourself for that matter).  Allow for mistakes, and be happy that you aren’t perfect.  Perfect people generally are called back to heaven early and I’m sure you and your spouse don’t want to die earlyJ  Enjoy each other’s imperfections and give yourself some room to improve, go easy on yourself.  Definitely try to improve things but make sure that you are actually making improvements instead of instituting some unknown person’s presently working suggestions.  Remember their situation may have changed since they typed that and they may actually be improving the truth in the first place.

Bike basket Tutorial! (no sew)

Ok all this is my very first tutorial ever....so let me know how I do:-)  I was poking around on pinterest and found an adorable idea for a homemade bike basket....but I didn't have all the materials it called for and I thought to myself.....an ice cream bucket!!! Or half to be more precise.  So I found an old ice cream pail and cut it in half the best I could and made a basket for my second eldest's bike.

So you start with some remnants of fabric (I use left over fabric from other projects), half an ice cream pail, ribbon, a hot glue gun and embellishments ie. buttons, rick rack...that kind of thing.

* Remember to use double thickness for your fabric or you will just end up having to cut another piece the same size.

Place your half on a piece of fabric (doubled) and trim around the rounded bottom.  Trim straight up the sides allowing room at the top to turn down for a hem.  You should have two pieces of fabric that look like a square with a half circle fused to it.

Next cut two strips of fabric that are as tall as the bucket and as long as the edges. (Again make sure you have two of these strips.)

Now glue the fabric to the front of the basket leaving ends to overlap on the inside sides. Glue all along the top edge and along the bottom.

 Glue the overlapping edges on the insides of the basket.

Glue the rounded edge to the bottom of the basket.  Trim close to the glue line after the bottom is securely attached.

Glue the interior fabric to the interior of the basket.  Tuck the fabric over to make two pleats to fit.

Glue the interior bottom piece onto the inside of the bottom.  Glue the interior and exterior fabric together to make a glued hem at the top.  Make sure the hem matches the top edges of the back side of your basket.  Attach edges of back of basket to sides with glue.

Glue ribbon along the top edge; it won't fit perfectly and with ruffle a little as you glue (I personally like the way that looks:-)

Glue another length of ribbon along the sides (and I did the bottom too just because I liked how it looked) to cover the raw edge of your fabric.

Cut two lengths of ribbon; these will be your connectors to the bike.  Make sure that they are long enough to tie either a regular knot onto the front bar of the handlebars or if you like you can make them long enough to tie a bow (I just did a knot I thought it was cuter).  Fold each ribbon in half and glue on the inside of the fold, pinch it in half (as shown above) and glue on the interior of that fold as well. 

Now connect the ribbon at the corner of the back in the crease with a large amount of glue; remember this is your connector so you want it good and sturdy.

Now all that's left is embellishing it!  Be creative, use anything you have around that you might think will dress it up a little.  I love rick rack, buttons, tulle, fake flowers....really anything that is girly cause you know a little girl is going to want the most frilly basket imaginable.  I'm sure I'll do a boyish version when my son gets older.  So that's it....let me know if you enjoyed the tutorial or if you have any questions.

And here is my little sweetie with her new bike basket (and her adorable pink cast, she's so tough)

Life with three!!

I could not imagine life without my sweet little baby boy!! He is the sweetest child alive and is the easiest baby I've ever seen.....but I feel like I am not equipped to deal with life with three children.  I wanted to go away this weekend.  Nowhere special just to a local hotel and get some distance from my beautiful three children. 

The problem is who do we leave these sweet kiddos with?  I mean really...my family is sooooo busy that even though we found a time that worked for one of them they need at least two adult sets of arms to deal with all three of my kids.  It's not their fault, I have three kids.  How ridiculous am I to expect anyone to take three kids so that my husband and I get a night kids free.  Anyone up for the task of having three children around already has three or more children themselves.  And anyone who has three children does not want an extra three around (for those who are slow on math that would make six total).

I just didn't see this day coming, we just have too many children to leave them anywhere anymore.  It snuck up on me. 

The irony is those who have three young children are the ones who need to get away.  We may not be the people who are in a position to take a night off work but we are certainly the ones who need to.  My dear sweet parents let me know that after 32 yrs of marriage they are taking their first (tropical) vacation (may I point out that they have taken a number of getaways many different places all over the US) but have never been to a "beachish" type vacation and they feel unapologetic about taking that vacation.  Yes they deserve it, but they can get away from their children whenever they like; we are all grown.  Those of us with little children have to move heaven and earth just to get out of the house for an hour.

When I am a grown up and have the luxury of going anywhere I please, whenever I feel like it I am going to choose to help those who really need a break.  I will use my vacation to watch my grandchildren so my children who can't afford to pay a sitter for the evening can actually go someplace where they won't have baby food in their hair and they can sleep in and actually take a shower the next morning. 

I know that sounds harsh, but I am bitter.  I want help, whether from a parent or sibling....I don't really care.  But logically I know that as a grown-up person who chose to have children I don't have the luxury of asking another person to take on my responsibilities even for an evening.  I will just have to save my pennies till I can afford to pay someone to watch my children or not go at all.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I will make sure my children have breaks.  I am going to scrimp and save and live on nothing if I have to so that I can be a grandmother who is always there.  When my daughters are crying because they love their children but can't stand them another minute....I will be there with a box of crayons and a bottle.  I will shoe them out the door and let them enjoy if only for an evening, being young attractive and in love with their spouse.  Because my youth, and looks will fade soon....and when they finally do, then and only then will I have time to enjoy just being with my husband.

Rain, rain go away!

My husband clearly remembers an experience when we were living in Florida that he related to me the other night.  He remembers being at Animal Kingdom and there being a sudden incredibly wet rainstorm and us ducking into an artificial cave and sitting watching this seemingly jungle around us get drenched by the downpour.  We only had our oldest child at the time and she was very little probably 18months old or something.

We waited in that little cave and watched the rain, we had all the time in the world so we weren't stressed or in any hurry to get anywhere and watched as probably hundreds of people ran out of the park to get out of the rain.  Eventually after at least twenty or thirty minutes the rain stopped.

We ventured out of the cave and walked around the park, it was almost quiet.  Many people had went back to their hotels or homes and the park was as desolate as I had ever seen it.  We went on the safari ride and not only did we not have to wait at all for it but all the animals were out and enjoying the cool feeling left behind by the rain.

We saw rainbows and the whole experience was so pleasant that it is no wonder why my husband thinks back on that day as his favorite memory of our Florida Disney experiences.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in that cave, waiting for the rain to stop, sure that it will and that if I can only outwait it then it will be so much better than before.  But the rain keeps coming and unlike our Disney experience I am in a hurry and feel like I want to run out of the park instead of waiting patiently for it to end.

Today two of my siblings are in the hospital.  For two very different reasons but I am devastated.  I'm tired of thinking about it and then I feel guilty for being tired of thinking about it.  I wish it would stop raining.

I'm 27 years old, yesterday.  I haven't been alive that long.  No matter how old I may feel or how mature I fancy myself I'm just a baby in the game of life.  When I think that it will only get harder and more complex I just want to run.....or hide.

"If only life was easier" is the phrase I keep hearing myself say over and over again in my mind and even to others.  I don't want to struggle all the time and I really would like a moment of peace and security.  I hear my voice sounding the tiny violins and yet ...I don't care if I sound like a whiner or a wimp...because the truth is that I am.

Do you know the saying that all clouds have silver linings; it is one of those sayings that really doesn't always make sense.  It's great to spout at others when they are struggling but in some of lifes bizzaar circumstances it just doesn't apply.

I am grateful, incredibly so even, for all of the friends and angels that are around me and buoy me up, Gratitude for my health and husband and children overwhelms me at times and brings me to tears.  I focus on it as much as I can.

But today is a grey day and I cannot shake the tired, achy feeling of sorrow over things which I have no control.