I really do love my husband!

So I've been informed that a few of my previous posts have been "hard" on my husband and kids. I would never mean to convey anything that suggests anything other than the fact that I love my family more than anything else in the world. In fact I am well aware that I have an amazing spouse. My sweet husband works tirelessly at providing the means for me to stay home with our beautiful children. He is actually a rather evolved male. He doesn't refer to the money he makes as his, or ever criticize me for spending it on necessities for our girls. When it comes to the housework that I do around the house, he never says anything when I fall behind or get on my case when the house is a disgusting mess. When I fall behind on the laundry instead of gently reminding me it needs to be done, he simply does a load. He's not quite at that place yet with the dishes, but you can't have everything eh?

Yes in many respects my husband is one if not the best of his gender. With our two girls I have opted to breastfeed and instead of insisting I get up in the middle of the night to get the baby when she needed or needs to be fed, he would voluntarily get up and bring her to me. Even in the mornings when I have an incredibly hard time getting up he often feeds our oldest and turns on PBS for her until I feel ready to get up and face the day. He changes diapers without complaint, often feeds the baby solids, and even handles disciplining our oldest when we are visiting parents or at church. Also, because I have been busy at church lately he takes the baby with him to class, instead of making me juggle her along with everything else I am doing.

He prays with me in the evening and reads scriptures to our children on Monday nights. I am never ever afraid to talk with him about any subject. He doesn't demand anything from me ever. In fact he is grateful for what I do and often asks what he can do to make my life easier. When I implemented a budget not only did he stick to it, but when the year changed he took his turn managing it while I was very pregnant and then after I had the baby. He supported me getting my degree even though it made it harder for him to get his.

He never says anything when I go through weight gain and loss during and after pregnancies. In fact no matter what I weight he always treats me the same, like he loves the way I look. He doesn't get all excited when I start exercising, like he is happy I'm finally going to be skinny again, instead he is happy that I take care of myself so that I can be around for a long time. He never looks or says anything about other women, in fact he goes out of his way to make me feel simultaneously like the only and the most beautiful woman in the room.

He puts up with my many... many hobbies, and never says anything about them except that I am so talented. I know I am sounding crazy or like I am exaggerating or something, but the truth is... my husband is one of a kind. It gets to a point that if I think too much about it, I am convinced that he is way too good for me. So sometimes yes I focus on the few tiny flaws he has, not because I don't love him, but because I love him so much. I want to make sure he is human and flawed, because I worry that he is so perfect... he could get taken away from me. Sorry this is coming out very sappy, but I did want the world to know what I truly think about my sweet amazing spouse, that he is the best person I know and the kind of person that makes me want to be better. I really do love him and I try and make his life as wonderful as it can be. Everything I do gets tied back to trying to make our home a heaven for him. I love my children, but I love my husband more. And I love my children more than life itself.

So I just want everyone out there reading this who has someone they feel this way about to tell them (privately, or publicly), that they're the best thing in their life. They need to hear it and everyone of us who is so incredibly lucky to have found someone to love, need to remind ourselves why we love that person. Marriages and relationships are hard. Families don't just stay together, they are glued together by people working on it every moment of every day. If the effort isn't there it doesn't take much to tear two people apart that truly do love each other. Remind yourself, and remind them that the greatest present you will get this year is having somebody to love.

It's NOT babysitting!!!

OK, this has been bothering me for some time. There has been a few times as of late where my husband has needed to watch our two girls for some reason or other. He has had the devil of a time and is in a extremely rotten mood when I return home. Technically he hasn't used the term "babysitting" for these outings of mine but refers to it as tending. Either term is offensive and should be avoided by all husbands at all costs.

When someone takes part in making a child they do not get to call watching their own children "babysitting, tending"... or anything conveying the sentiment that they are watching someone else's children. The only two people on the planet that don't babysit your children are yourself and your spouse. I understand in blended families you run into the problem that both of you may have not participated in the making of said children. But the rule still stands. If you are a loving spouse who has promised to take care of that person, the children are an unwritten addendum.

So for everyone out there who has had the term "babysitting" thrown at them by their spouse or the other consenting party of the conception, take a stand! No longer suffer under the delusion that you are alone in the parenting of your children. It takes two people to make a baby, doesn't it follow that it takes two people to raise them. I know I am making a lot of out semantics, but sometimes making a slight change in the way you say something does completely change the meaning. This is one of those cases and should be treated as such. To my own husband I do want to say that he is trying, and I am grateful. He knows that he needs to change his attitude towards watching his own children. I just wanted to let all you semantically oppressed parents out there know there is hope for a fair tomorrow :-)

The Holidays are a confusing time

So with black friday over and done and Christmas looming comercialism is staring me in the face daring me to a game of chicken. On the one hand I think that getting presents for my daughters is a good thing. In the days when I was growing up it was ok to let your children roam the neighborhood going from house to house looking for a playmate, but today things are different. They need to play closer to home and we need to keep close tabs on them to keep them safe. This new model of parenting presents a real conundrum, how many toys does a child need?

While I was growing up I had a few toys that I shared with all six of my brothers and sisters. Mostly what I played with was boxes to make houses or cars for the toys. Or I would go outside and build things with sticks and mud and random things from nature. It helped that outside my front door was the wonderous world of the Canadian rockies in breathtaking British Columbia. My problem, and I'm sure many mothers face the same one, is that I want my child to have a wonderland to play in at home. Basically still a child myself I get about as excited as my daughter when we visit the toy aisle. It takes all the restraint I have, and the knowlege of my meager bank balance, to keep me in check when we visit the store. But the problem gets ever so much worse around Christmas. This is the time to get presents to keep her busy during the next year. At least on her birthday I can get her toys to play with outside. At Christmas the weather is not very conducive to outdoor play, at least not for long periods of time. Also I figure that the more toys she has to play with the less time she spends watching television (which as a goal I only want her to watch 1 hour per day).

So here is where I stand today, desperate not to spoil my little girl, and yet desperate to give her the tools to entertain herself and enrich her mind with imaginative play. What to do...What to do? So far I think I've stopped short of spoiling her but the problem is I have to stop and with 8 days left to Christmas, can I make it?

The cliche truth

You can't have it all. These days if you are a realist, you are touted as a dream killer. I do believe in reaching for the stars, but I am realistic enough to know that you might fall on your butt trying. Of course it is better to reach as high as you can, raising expectations produces better results. Then again stretching yourself too thin depletes all your energy and makes everything you do suffer. What I want to discuss is the unrealistic assumption out there that women can have it all.

There is a problem with today's society not only telling women to have it all, but expecting it of them. And if a women has problems with this unattainable goal they are subjected to the ridicule of the world. Lets specifically address the debate between stay at home vs. working moms. The truth simply is that regardless of what you choose you will suffer guilt and one thing or the other will suffer in quality. Stay at home mothers suffer guilt that they aren't fulfilling their dreams and are not setting that example for their children. Working mothers, even if they are extremely successful, suffer the guilt of not being with their children. Anyone, or I guess I should say any mother who has watched other people's children, knows that no matter how hard you try, you cannot feel about other children they way you feel about your own. The cliche that no one loves you like your mother is sooooo true. So either choice elicits guilt. And those that try to walk the middle road trying to devote time to both still find that there is guilt for time spent away from children, and time spent away from a career. You will always be the one missing promotions and not advancing as fast as full time coworkers. You will always be the one who isn't a full time mom. You are neither here nor there.

I am not saying that any one choice is better than another. I think that any choice you make has a detrimental effect on you and your children. It may sound harsh or pessimistic, but I am trying to liberate women. Stop expecting that having it all is a standard you must reach. Accept the fact that no matter what you do, you are going to suffer some ill effects in some way. Figure out what guilt you can deal with and try focusing on different things at different times. Expecting women to do it all and still look cute at the end of the day doesn't result in happier women; all it does is reduce the quality of those women.

My mother asked me the other day if she thought my family suffered during the time I was desperately trying to finish my degree. I told her that of course they did, but that was in my mind justifiable suffering, because the suffering would be much worse if I ended up a single mom and didn't have a degree. I've been trying to explain this concept to my husband. He is so depressed that he can't spend very much time with his children and wife, because of his school. The truth is he is right. His relationships with our daughters and our marriage does suffer when he devotes the majority of his time to work and school. The bottom line is though that it is the greater good to have him finish his degree, and in the long run it will be better for our family to have the primary provider's school finished.

This is even true with two children. The horrid conclusion that I have come to is that I can't possibly satisfy the needs of both my children at once. My three year old won't get a story read to her while I am changing my youngest's diaper. And my youngest will have to cry a little while I make lunch for my oldest. But the alternative of only having one child does a disservice to your children as well. They will be spoiled and not learn neccessary skills like sharing and the ability to love another child.

I realize that this a negative way to view the situation, but guilt plagues the modern woman like inequality plagued her 50 years ago. Every mother I know feels it and every special on tv reinforces my belief that there is a problem in this country of expecting way too much from women. We were not liberated just to enslave ourselves by our own expectations. The idea of having everything we want right now without sacrificing at all is laughable. We need to free ourselves from the false idea that we need to have it all at once. Maybe we can have it all, but not all at the same time. A little now and a little later will have to suffice.

Random thoughts

Here are my 7 random thoughts

1. I hate negativity but can't get my mind to be positive.

2. Being a realist opens my eyes to see what's right in front of me but closes my eyes to many possibilities of how things could be.

3. Babies are cute, but they just poo and throw up way too much.

4. I love my family, my husband and kids, and my sisters, brothers and parents. I don't know if I have more fun than with those people who understand and accept me the most. (p.s. Patrice, I consider you a sister)

5. Marriage is difficult but it seems much easier when both partners accept it's difficulty.

6. I used to see things like folding my husbands socks the way he wanted was offensive to me and women everywhere, now I truly want to do it for him because I love him so much.

7. Jane Eyre used to be my hero, but of late my new hero is Erma Bombeck. She just got mothers and wrote words of wisdom that I believe will stand the test of time.

Poopy hands

While washing out the third poopy outfit of the day I looked down at my hands. Yellowy white from spray and wash and poo they didn't look like my hands anymore. Of course newborn poo isn't as bad as toddler poo and I thanked the Lord again that my three year old was finally potty trained. But the facts still remained that poo is poo and three times that day my hands were swimming in it.

The problem is that this is a fundamental part of my job requirements. I tried to explain to my husband that this bothers me. He fought back saying that there were parts of his job that he didn't like, but lets face it they don't include feces or defecation of any kind.

There are many irreconcilable problems with being a professional mother. Excrement is the least of these problems but it is a terrific catalyst for renewing the debate in my mind over how worth it this all is. Of course I love my children, more than anything in the world besides my husband but I don't want them to grow up thinking that they have to feel cloistered and unimportant. The other side of it though is that there isn't any greater joy or sense of fulfillment than what comes from raising children.

The thing that I keep going back to is that there are so many aspects of raising children that are degrading. Like washing out poopy clothes or being covered in throwup. When people ask what you do and you motion towards the two little cuties hanging off you, there is pity and then a little humor lingering in their eyes. After my first daughter was born I loved being able to say that I was a student and a stay at home mom. After I graduated I was a little sad to have only one title and that it was mom. I guess some of us can't get over the need for the accolades of society and the feeling that what you do is valued in other people eyes.

That's what it comes down to is where you feel your worth. If it is based on what others think of you, being a mom isn't going to satisfy your desire for validation. So I guess where that leaves me is changing the source of validation, without that change I can't hope to feel better about myself. I can only guess that changing the way I build my self worth won't happen overnight. Until that happens I will have to content myself with trying to laugh at the image of poopy spray and wash coating my hands several times a day. After all there is humor there, it's just harder to see through the foggy glasses of self pity.

Homemaker vs. Breadwinner

This is for all you stay at home moms out there and for the men that love them.

My sister in law posed a hypothetical situation to me yesterday that started the rusty wheels in my brain to turn again.

Pretend for a moment that you have to go to work. You are the person who needs to earn the money in your family. But you still have your children. In this hypothetical situation you are able to leave your children with a person who is the most suited to raising your children the way you would. In fact they are better equipped to raise your children and they will most likely do a better job than you could. Not only that but they love your children just as much if not more than you do. You know that your children are safe with this person not only that but you know that they would lay down their very life before letting any harm befall your children.

Now this person you leave your children with doesn’t just take care of your children but also while you are at work they clean your house top to bottom and do all of your laundry and put it away. You get to come home to a nice hot meal that you eat with your children. After which this person does the cleanup so that you can spend some quality time with your children playing outside or helping them with their homework.

Now with a situation like this you inevitably would still feel guilt about leaving your children at home and not spending every moment you can with them but it would be the absolute least amount of guilt possible considering how well taken care of they and you are in return. How many of you out there would jump at the chance to work outside the home if such a situation was possible? I know I would.

Now go and tell your husband how lucky he is to live in that hypothetical world.

Before you laugh and say how true I want to present another hypothetical situation.

Pretend for a moment that you are a man and that you live in a world where someone else shoulders the entire financial burden for your family. You do not have to worry about where the money is going to come from to pay the bills it is just there every month. This person voluntarily gets up every day and drives in bumper to bumper traffic to get to a building with very few windows to sit in a tiny cubicle with artificial lighting. They do this so that you can stay home with your children. You feel no guilt at all over where your children are because they are with you.

This person also comes home just at the point where you are ready to throttle your children and takes them off your hands. You get as much access to your children as you could ever wish and have that person help when you have had too much.

For men or I should rather say fathers, because there is a difference, this situation sounds just as appealing as the above situation sounds to us mothers. Many feel they would love to live in that hypothetical world because they love their children just as much as we do (so they say, they didn’t carry them for nine months and nurse them so I still have my doubts). Nevertheless they feel just as much guilt about leaving their children as we would if the situation were swtiched. But for either a homemaker or a breadwinner to truly understand how lucky the other person is they would have to switch places, which for most of us isn’t going to happen. So lets chalk it up to the grass is always greener, but still remember how it felt for that moment when we realized even a tiny little bit how lucky we are to have a partner to make our lives a hypothetical heaven.

Thoughts on interference

I hate the absent presence of people,
talking to no one and ignoring all,
they yell at nothingness never mindful,
waiting for their next call.

-Tana Horton

Poetry defined

I have a folder in my documents that is entitled poetry. While perusing it today I saw a letter that I was asked to write on the occasion of my husband and I buying our first house. I put it in that folder for a specific reason and would like to share it with all of you.

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been informed that I need to verify my employment status or lack thereof. This letter is to convey that although I do get up every morning and pursue a rigorous schedule of multitasking throughout the day, I am not currently employed for the purpose of monetary gain. I also would like to make it clear that I do not intend in the near future to secure employment that provides a steady paycheck. I would prefer to stay “unemployed” and spend my days controlling riots, conflict mediating, preparing banquets and teaching classes in etiquette, academics and numerous other subjects, which do not need naming at this time. But for all my chosen profession requires of me, I want to make it clear that I do not receive monetary compensation.

If there is any need for clarification of my current lack of “compensation”, or further details about my job description I would be happy to answer questions.


Best regards,

Tana Lorraine Horton
Homemaker

The falls

Hello blogging world

I have never "blogged" before (oh my, I can't believe I used that as a verb). I am not computer savvy by any means so bear with me. But I love to write and this seems like the first step to getting your writing read. It's a new world out there baby and I've got to keep up with it.

In high school I was known as the girl who fought against using the internet. It scared me and I still believe there was good reason to be scared. Though I have discovered in the short six years since high school that avenues like the internet can be used both for good and bad. So here is to the possibilities of the internet.

I am sending my voice out into the great beyond. Only time will tell if there is anyone interested in what I have to say. If it is possible for a simple stay at home mother to have anything note worthy floating around in her brain then it is my duty nay obligation to share those points of interest with the world at large.