Poor taste?

I'm aware that it exhibits poor taste to complain too much about life, because no matter what you've got something to be grateful for. But I have to say how hard this week has been.

Dan left on Monday for Puerto Rico and that morning I woke up feeling like a bus hit me. He responded by telling me that it was just a cold and rolling his eyes when I told him how sick I felt. I understand he was busy preparing for a trip and feeling a little sick himself, so he should be forgiven. But after a day of sleeping I found myself sicker than before. Tuesday I was bedridden and my mother came over to take care of the children for me. I was feeling better, sure that the next morning I'd feel fine and it would be all over.

Wednesday I picked up my eldest from preschool and dropped both off at a babysitter while I went to a place I can't talk about because it concerns another person and their story that is not mine to tell. It wasn't anything directly related to me but I felt pain for this person and cried profusely. I came home and picked up my kids. I counted the hours till they went to bed. I was frustrated with them and through a horse voice I yelled at them. Finally when they were in bed I tried to sleep.

This morning at three I woke up with my eyes glued together. My cold/flu or whatever it is transferred to my eyes. Pink eye, that's right. So I called a neighbor to take my kids this morning while I disinfected my bedroom and my children's bedrooms, because of course I'm terrified they'll get it too. Anybody who's ever tried to put eyedrops in toddler's eyes understands my rational fear of them contracting conjunctivitis.

Consequently I realized that instead of picking up toilet paper at the store I got paper towel. We were stuck with one half of a roll left in the whole house. My sister sent her husband over with toilet paper and dinner since shopping was out of the question with eyes full of puss.

The silver lining is that wednesday night I went to bed and prayed that I would be well enough the next day to at least take care of my children. As an addendum I added that if I couldn't be better would He just bless that my kids wouldn't get sick. So I can say with confidence this afternoon that God answers prayers.

I know that one small illness hardly warrants the amount of words I've dedicated to it; but in the course of this week I've been given some lessons that just may be worthy of the brain space it takes to read this article of self pity. I've been humbled and had to ask for help where generally I'm the one who's asked for help. I've also learned that if I want to have a support base to help me when needed I have to work harder at developing friendships. The kind of friendships where you can ask for help without feeling like a heel. In short I need to do more for others.

I've also learned that whether you are close with a person or not, when you are genuinely in need they will come to your aide.

Good Samaritans everywhere, thank you. I'm going to try and be better. Next time I'm asked to help watch someones kids because they are sick, I'm going to be a lot more willing and empathetic.

Our Half Marathon!!!

My sister and I ran our half marathon! We are really proud of ourselves for following through with a difficult goal. My sister had a baby six months ago and even though she's had less training than me she did fantastic. I'ver been running for a little over a year, ever since my youngest was born. I'm still working on losing baby weight, yeah it's taking me a while.

After it was over my sister said "I'm glad it's done, now we never have to do that again". I smiled and didn't say anything. Two weeks later we started talking about training for another one next spring. Both of us want to do it in a better time. We didn't run it fast, but we weren't the last people to finish, so that was our solace in our not so awesome time.

Hero vs. Role Model

When I was a little girl I idolized my grandmother. I guess it sounds silly but I really saw her as an extraordinary person. She was widowed at a young age with nine children. My father was ten when he lost his father. Along with being placed in this difficult situation she was a model in her younger years and starred on her own radio show when she was a teen. With a repertoire of over 200 original songs she was an accomplished piano prodigy. She learned on her own how to play the piano when she was three years old. She even had a Hollywood screen test but never pursued a career in film because she decided instead to have a family. A few of her songs were so popular they played on the radio and one was even bought by a big name singer.

As a young girl this kind of success in life seemed staggering. For a woman, alone in the world, to accomplish so much was nothing short of amazing. As a teenager who grew into adulthood early through marrying young, I wished an hoped that I could be like her. That I would be able to do things that people saw as exceptional. Write a novel or get an alluring career in a well respected job market. As I had my children and quit working I saw so much of what I wanted to be slip away. Then I was introduced to another extraordinary woman.

This woman was not regionally famous like my grandmother but well respected by all who knew her. She too was a widow at a young age but didn't choose to raise her children alone, she remarried. Also gifted in music she taught piano and organ for many years. When given the chance to do something in her free time she read, quite extensively anything she could get her hands on. By all worldly standards she could be seen as a very good, ordinary person. The truth is though that she is far from ordinary and won my respect in far greater amounts than even my own grandmother did. She is my husbands grandmother.

From birth she was born with a problem with her foot and needed years of surgery and corrective medical care to fix this problem. At the age of two her father left her mother and her and she never got to know him, in this life anyway. Soon after her father left, her mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. She was bounced from home to home of relative after relative. Growing up disjointed and without a real sense of home she was blessed in her young adult years to meet a wonderful man who provided a home and family for her, the first she had ever really known. When he died you would think that would be it. Being raised in such a forlorn way and then to experience the devastating loss of the only family she ever had...it is truly amazing that she found strength to go on. But she did and she remarried a man who had experienced as much sadness and loss as even she had. They had another child together and are still married today.

It is amazing that a woman with such a life could emerge near the end of it with any smile on her face or spring in her step, but JoAnn Taylor did. This would be enough to admire her, but she is so much more than someone who has overcome odds.

I started realizing early on in my realtionship with this woman that when I left from a visit with her I was very happy. Not only happy but I left feeling as if I was an extraordinary person. Now with most individuals who make you feel good about yourself the gateway is always flattery, whether false or geniune that is the main avenue to enhance somebodys self esteem. Well this just wasn't the case with JoAnn.

I would look back over the conversations that I would have with her and there was one common thread. She was constructively criticizing me. Someone who can help you to see your flaws in a way that actually builds you up is extremely rare. I would venture to say I have never known or heard of another person who can accomplish this. She has a tremendous gift of charity, the ability to see in everyone at the same time every good thing about them. Never in any way tearing anyone down, but reminding you about what is good about others without suggesting you might be lacking in charity yourself.

I asked her about this gift the other day, she cried and thanked me for my kindness and said it was no gift whatsoever but the ability to understand others because she had been there. Empathy, in a word. But the most amazing thing about this woman is that even if she hasn't been in every situation possible, she lends her experience to these situations and gives true empathy anyway.

Growing up I always wanted to be somebody that many people saw as exceptional. What I never realized is that those people are seen exceptional in a superficial way, because it relates little to them on a personal level. Now my mind has changed. I believe that what I truly want out of life is to be seen by someone as exceptional on a deeply personal level. To be the kind of person who makes others better in a quiet loving way is success on such a more monumental scale that someone who does "great" things in the eyes of the world.

Don't get me wrong, I still admire and look up to my grandmother as a wonderful role model for worldly things I still desire to accomplish. But I believe my ultimate hero is someone who I want to be like on a personal level. Because I believe at the end of my life if I am at all like her I will feel I've lived a life worth living.

The Insurance companies are money grubbing (bad words)!!!

The other day I went to fill my prescription of Prevacid at Target. It was an average thing that I do every month or two. I was embarrassed to find myself crying at the counter when the pharmacist reluctantly told me that my insurance refused (again) to cover the prescription. After a few sleepless pain ridden nights I could not stand the thought that I would have to live with the pain while the insurance company quarrelled with my doctor over how much I really needed these pills.

Late last year I had yet another endoscopy. A procedure that along with being invasive and requiring anesthesia costs dan and I anywhere from $300 to $500. It confirmed that I still have a stomach covered in ulcers. They biopsy them every time they scope me to make sure that none of the masses are cancerous. I have been very lucky that none of the results have come back positive.

The gastroenterologist's answer to fixing my insane heartburn and ulcers always comes back to take Previcid. To a certain extent I don't mind, because I feel better when taking Prevacid. But when the insurance decides not to cover it, I am left writhing in pain with no recourse but drinking almost an entire bottle of Maalox just to get through the night. The insurance company goes through honeymoon phases with certain drugs and after those are over they drop the drug. If the drug company courts the insurance company enough they will start covering the drug again. The problem is that there is no alternative to this drug that the company does cover in the meantime. Prilosec of course is over the counter and the insurances answer is to tell us to go out and spend a fortune buying up that drug.

The difference is that Prilosec is 20 mg and Prevacid is 30 mg. So I've been taking two Prilosec a day to make up for my lack of Prevacid (I should be taking four, two in the morning and two at night, but that seems like so many pills). I can survive this way, but it doesn't fix my stomach like Prevacid. I've been taking Prevacid my entire married life, six years. I've tried every other stomach ulcer medicine out there and Prevacid makes my life normal again.

Now I'm aware that I sound like a baby, but I am so sick of insurance companies deciding what I do and don't need. They are not the ones drinking Maalox every fifteen minutes just to get a staggered five minutes of sleep intermittently throughout the night. It is not fair that they can do this to me. I pay over $400 a month to have a health care plan that won't cover the most basic of my health needs, and that doesn't cover dental either.

On top of that it costs Dan and I over $4000 to have a baby. And we don't like to go into debt even for children. So we save up and pay in advance and they graciously take 10% off the total amount due the hospital. On the other hand I have a sister in law who missed one payment due on the balance from her son born four months before my daughter at the same hospital. Because she missed one payment she got 50% of her bill forgiven if she paid the remaining balance.

There is something wrong with this system. I know universal healthcare is a sore nerve amongst a large group of people (including my parents, they believe two of my aunts died prematurely in Canada because of socialized healthcare). But the system is broken. Something needs to be done. Preventative healthcare saves lives and money, if everyone had access to the preventative healthcare they need the majority of the country would be better off.

If I die of a bleeding ulcer then I want someone to point out that they should have just covered my darn prevacid.

I've been sooooo busy!

I know everyone is always busy, so being busy is no excuse for letting other things slip by the wayside. The truth is though that with one of my husband's brothers getting married, two of my sister in laws being pregnant (one with twins) all of the aforementioned needing showers, along with my eldest's birthday, I have been swamped.That along with all my regularly scheduled crafts I do I haven't scarecly had time to breath this last month. Before the craziness really started I came across the bow board above at a garage sale for two dollars. I took out the middle and painted the frame and recovered the middle with a fabric to match my youngest's room. I have been making bows for the past few months and I needed a nice place to hang them. I decided to make something to decorate my daughter's room while at the same time providing a practical place to hang the bows I put in my girls hair.

I made another magnet board for one of my as yet unborn newphews. We threw a shower for my sister in law one week after the shower for my other sister in law who is having the twins. I stayed up till one making that gift. I could have bought something but we didn't have any money and I had the stuff to make a board. I really hope my sister in law likes it.
The other reason I've been crazy busy last month was that I had a wedding cake to make. I think it turned out great. I'm not sure they really loved it but I only charged them $85. I don't know if I'll keep making wedding cakes. I get so crazy over them and it hurts me when people seem a little dissapointed with all the effort. I also did a cake tasting and it was the day after the wedding cake, needless to say me and my kitchen were covered in powdered sugar for an entire week.

Anyways sorry if I've neglected visiting blogs or commenting. I've just been busy with life. I'm going to get caught up on what I missed in your blogs my dear friends, I promise.

Pillowcase revisited

Sewing seems to be the order of the month. I made a pillowcase dress for my eldest, and she won't wear it. I'm super sad and a little mad that she doesn't even want to try it on for me. I think I need to put buttons and an elastic waste on it and maybe she'll like it.

I love the way it turned out. It's not as cute as those made by some of my friends, but I couldn't afford to go out and buy cute fabric for this project, we're a little tight this month and I opted to go with an old pillowcase with some remnant fabric I had lying around with my quilting fabrics.

My sister asked me if my eldest was short on dresses or something. I said "not really" she said "It seems like you are making her a new one every week". I laughed, almost but not quite. She was running low on dresses that were long enough a month ago and I went a little crazy trying to remedy the problem without massacring my budget.

I also made two baby quilts for my sister in law's twins last week. They turned out so cute, but again no pics, arrgh! One of these days I will just nail my camera to my forehead.

I need to take more pictures

I made two little crayon rolls for my nieces this weekend and I didn't take pictures. I am so sad because they turned out so cute. I also didn't take pictures of a valance I made for my little sister's room. It was pleated and I turned out the pleats and sewed buttons to hold the pleats out. I also made matching table runners for her desk and dresser.

I'm promising myself that I am going to take pictures of the things I made for my sister's room next time I visit my parents house. I also did a painting for my other little sister's birthday that was really cute as well. Again there was no picture taken before I gave it away.

I love making things, I feel productive. It's only since I started blogging that I've realized that you take pictures of things so that you can show people what you are proud of, and give others ideas for their own creative endeavors. I love looking on other blogs to get ideas for things to make for my kids or myself.

High expectations

I've been thinking lately about a post a friend of mine did about being a mother. She said that she doesn't have any need for outside validation or additional income as a source of validation. She is so into being a mother that she is happy doing exactly what she is doing.

I am very in awe of this person and I've been trying to think of why I don't feel that way. I love being a mother and don't get me wrong I love my children more than life itself. I would die before letting any harm come to either of my girls, but I still feel like I need some sort of external validation.

I believe that the reason I still feel a need for wordly accolades is that I have a large amount of something many would call "male" ambition. I have a desire for the world to think highly of what I do. I believe it stems back to when I was a teenager. When I was thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up, mother was not what sprung to mind. It's not that I didn't want to be a mother, I did; but I also believed that if I never met the right guy or had an opportunity to get married I wasn't going to feel like life wouldn't be worth it. I didn't think much at all about getting married and having kids. Instead I had detailed plans about finishing school and starting a career I would be proud of.

It wasn't that I thought so little of myself that I didn't believe I would ever get married, I just knew that not everyone gets married and I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment. Of course I dreamed of companionship from a wonderful man (very much like my husband), but I wasn't going to define myself as any less of a person if I never found someone.

Then to the surprise of me and my family I found a wonderful man, while I was still quite young. My husband was such a wonderful catch that I knew if I passed on him I would regret it for the rest of my life. I never wanted to get married young, but I did.

The only problem was that I never got rid of my "male" ambition. And although I have a degree and may someday go back for a graduate degree I am primarily defined as a mother, not anything else.

I admire my friends who can be incredibly satisfied with staying at home. My one friend said that she is a mom because she chose to be one, not because she had to be one. I don't feel like I have to be a mom or was forced to because of circumstances, I chose this. But I don't know if I will ever shake off the desire to be defined as more than a mother. I do want to change the world. I know that being a mother does change the world in a profound way, but not everybody sees that and that is where my downfall will always be. I want people to respect deeply the work of mothers and I don't think anyone but mothers ever will.

While it is amazing that some people are naturally satisfied being a mother, I have to work at it. I think that may be what ends up defining me. The fact that I work every day at loving and respecting what I do as something that is admirable.

Happy Mothers Day to every mother out there who is not always happy being "just a mom". At least you do it even though it's hard. Fighting for something will always make it worthwhile to you. I honor mother's everywhere who try to stretch themselves beyond their natural capabilities to make the world better one child at a time.

Another upcycling success!

One of these days I will take a before shot to illustrate the transformation. This dress turned out soooo cute. I loved making this and learned alot for the next dresses I'm going to make for my eldest because of course I'm going to make more of these dresses. I am totally addicted to the idea of reusing old and unfashionable shirts to make cute dresses. I made this dress on the same day I made the cake for my youngest's birthday.
I made a homemade fondant out of powdered sugar and marshmallows that turned out really yummy. The cake was carrot and I used a cream cheese frosting under the fondant. I had to show off this cake because it turned out so cute. The pan looks awful but it is clean I promise. I need a pretty platter.

My little cutie wasn't too fond of carrot cake but she like the frosting. My eldest had alot of fun singing to her little sister and loved all the fun of a party.

I just upcycled!

So aparently making a dress for your little girl out of a horrible looking old shirt of your husbands is referred to as upcycling. I absolutely love how it turned out and I am so sad that I missed taking the before shot of the shirt. It was a horrible old shirt that my husband bought for a themed dance in high school. Obviously he bought it from a thrift store. So I bet this is one shirt that will live many long lifes. Long live reincarnation!!!

Sewing still can be cheap!!

I am so tired of hearing "It's too bad sewing isn't cheaper than buying clothes anymore". It actually makes me frustrated because it is simply not true. People have this idea in their heads that it is a fact that sewing things is more expensive than buying.

The truth is that if you buy things on clearance from a store they can get fairly cheap, but the things you would make anyway aren't the five dollar shirts and ten dollar jeans that go on clearance in stores. Dresses are the number one easy thing to make if you are into sewing. Dresses, when and if they go on clearance don't ever go below twenty dollars. I am talking for sizes like 3t-5t. For infants you may be able to find dresses for less than that but a well made pretty dress no matter the size is hardly ever below twenty.

So if you figure that you buy a yard and a half of fabric to make a dress and a pattern can be as cheap as $1.99 you can actually make a dress fairly cheap. If you buy full price patterns and full price fabrics I can see how people may have the misconception that making is more expensive. The facts are though that fabric stores always have incredible sales. There is always a 40%-50% off coupon for full priced fabrics and often the fabrics go on a sale that surpass even those percentages off. Then if you take into account clearance fashion fabrics you will find that sewing a skirt or dress for an adult can be dirt cheap.

It is just annoying to hear people write off sewing like it is a lost art or something nobody would want to do because it is an expensive hobby. For example there is a wedding coming up on my husbands side and they have asked if we would like to get dresses for our girls. The dresses are very cute and well made with nice fabric and run around $60 a dress. I can make the same or a similar dress for well under $20 a piece, and that's even with springing for the really nice fabric.

Sewing is not a lost art. People who bargain and buy clothes on clearance and thrift shop can get clothing very cheap, but when you think of the things that you would make instead of buy they are still cheaper. Doll clothes are also quite pricey. I buy remnants and make little clothes for my daughters dolls. Blankets and burp cloths can be more expensive than those in the stores, but if you compare quality the homemade ones will last twice as long and look twice as good as the bargains you'll find in the stores.

To sum up I love sewing and I think that you can save money by sewing some of your children's clothing and blankets. The pictures are of some aprons I made for my girls. They wear them when I am worried about getting their clothing dirty during projects or while eating. I even made a matching apron for my daughter's cabbage patch doll.

Don't give up on sewing just because some people are discouraging. Sewing is relevant today and always will be as long as there are expensive clothes out there. Just remember that quality counts.

Aren't they too young?

So I'm contemplating putting my eldest in Preschool next year. Actually doing a little more than contemplating, I have her slotted to be in a preschool that is just around the corner. She is so excited for school but is convinced she is going to elementary school...like tomorrow. Whenever she uses a pencil or pen on paper she calls it school. Anyway she is loving the idea of learning from someone other than me. The only problem is I can't get the budget to work.

My husband and I aren't poor, in fact we have exactly what we need and we manage quite well (when nothing else is added to our list). Lately I've been pushing my husband to agree to life insurance for me and him. It was a long fight because he really doesn't like spending money. But I explained that we aren't being responsible parents not providing for our children if a tragedy arose. Finally I convinced him, but fitting the expense into our budget makes it rather taut.

The extra expense of Preschool is starting to make me sweat. How do people do it? How can they afford everything else and paying for somewhat of a glorified playgroup for three days a week for a few hours. In Florida the state paid for preschool for parents (perhaps that is why they have a 2 mill dollar deficit and are threatening to close my friends elementary school they send their kids too). But aside from that I am a little sad thinking about how much this is going to cost and where in my husband's paycheck we're going to come up with the cash.

When I was little I never went to preschool. My mother taught me and my six brothers and sisters our abc's, numbers and (most importantly) how to tie our shoes. That was all I needed for Kindergarten because all we did was play and take naps. We didn't learn how to read until first grade. Now children have to be reading and writing in kindergarten. I think I could prepare my eldest for the academic load she will face in kindergarten (she had letter recognition from age two and is almost reading at three), but she would be behind socially. Everyone puts their kids into preschool so if someone doesn't their kid is behind in important social skills which in turn affects them academically.

I really want my eldest to soar in school. I don't need her to be the smartest or even the most well behaved I just want her to have a good experience. How come we put so much expectations on our children. It's like we are prepping them to stand out from the crowd at three. Now I'm not saying people who put their kids in preschool are crazy parents that are trying to get their kids a head start (after all next year I'll be one of them). I just think society has it all wrong. Shouldn't we just be happy if our kids can get through the school years with as little emotional damage as possible. After all they can always catch up to the curve academically in Junior High, get good grades in High school and go to a great college (or a good one in my case).

I don't know...my grandfather had ten kids and he always said. "As long as they aren't too smart or too dumb they'll do great in life". Average has lost the prominent place it deserves in our society. Why do we all need our kids to be the smartest, prettiest or even the best in a sport or musical instrument. If they are happy just being average (which most people are) then why can't we be happy for them.

I moved to the city when I was in Junior High and couldn't participate in music, drama, sports or almost anything else. Why, because everybody had been trained since they were five years old in sports and instruments and the level they were at was elevated. Participation should be something kids get to do in Junior High and High school not something they have to be groomed for from age five. Most of the people who made it into things didn't enjoy them anyway because their parents had picked that road for them when they were too little to make a real decision. I know we are all concerned as parents to have every door possible open to our kids, but if it were possible just to let them be kids I think they would appreciate it more.

I know it is society more than individuals, but we could change it...if we wanted to.

Little magnet board

So the big magnet board I made was a nightmare, see the post about it. But the little magnet board I made was somewhat easier and I like it alot more. I made it to match my littlest's room but since I didn't have really good photos to put on it for display I put my oldest's one year photos. We are getting photos of the girls in a week or so, since my youngest will be one next month.

Anyway I really enjoyed making this even though finding the sheet metal the right size was a headache. They don't sell that size 8x8 in the hardware stores and they don't cut the metal in those stores either. I had to call three metal fabrication companies in Ogden before I found one that would cut the galvanized sheet metal to the size I wanted. They are called "All Metals Fabrication" if anyone is interested in getting some metal for a magnet board.

I've decided that for big magnet boards the easiest way to go is getting the big metal sheets in the store and cutting the metal to the size of whatever frame you have. Making a custom frame for it is harder than it looks or anyone makes it sound. It's much easier to buy a big sheet of metal and cut it with tin snippers to the size you want. The reason you can't do that for the little magnet boards is that if you do it the way I did above you want clean cuts that are straight and even.

I'm thinking that I did the entire project for $10 since I already had the ribbon and bought the stamp and buttons I used for my scrapbooking supply.

Anyway I am very proud of the way it turned out.

Spring Dresses!!!

Everybody who knows me is aware that I am overly proud of the things I make. Call it a complex for attention driven by staying at home. I got the fabric above for free and one of the patterns for free. I finally decided that I was going to make matching dresses for my girls.

I went a little nuts and even made a matching dress for my daughters cabbage patch doll.

My oldest wants to wear her dress all day, every day. While our washer was out of commission I boycotted her wearing it because I didn't know if I'd be able to get it washed by Easter Sunday.

I am super excited for my girls to wear these on Easter and I'm going to take tons of pictures. I think matching dresses are so cute (I know some people find it too cutesy, but they aren't twins). Speaking of which my oldest brother just announced he is having twins, yeah!!! We are happy and sad for him all at the same time. I can't imagine trying to handle two babies at once. I really think it would kill me. Kudos to those who handle it. (That was for my mother in law because my husband is a twin)

Anyway, Happy Easter!!! I love the colors, dresses, candy and easter egg hunts. And of course the religious significance. Have a happy, bright couple of weeks!!!

I'm in love!!!! (no offense Dan)

Yes they are the new loves of my life. I feel so incredibly spoiled. I mean I've dreamed of the day they and I could be together but I never really thought it was possible.

Too much, ok, but I really do adore my new washer and dryer. Just look at them, ah... I finally got to use them. They were delivered while I was out of town helping my sister with her new baby. Dan got to be the first to use them and I will always be jealous, to top it off he did all of the laundry while I was gone. It's a good thing I had a bunch of dirty stuff when I got home.

I know, I know melodrama is my middle name. But I am so thrilled. I actually used to almost hug these machines when walking by them at Lowes or Home Depot. After all they are gorgeous.

I guess there are some perks for having a washing machine bust mid load.

De-cluttering is the best!

I really wanted to post pictures of my craft room with this post, especially because I just finished my girls spring dresses, made a bow board, and made a matching dress for my oldest's cabbage patch doll. But alas the cord for my camera is missing and the great pictures I've taken will just have to wait until I replace the cord. I also wanted to show off the look of my new and improved craft room.

My sister in law came over last Monday and made me get rid of half my art supplies/ old artwork, half my fabrics and the majority of my patterns. Most of the fabric and patterns I gave to goodwill were given to me by well meaning people. I just didn't like the fabric or patterns but couldn't part with them because well they were a gift. I also hold onto scraps of fabric forever thinking that there has got to be some way to use them because they are just so darn cute. My sister in law forced me to look at when if ever I would use them and if I wouldn't rather get new stuff when I have a new project. All of the scraps that are only big enough for Polly pocket clothing I tossed. I did the same with my scrapbooking supplies and let me tell you I feel so much better.

There is a book that same sister in law lent me called "Clutter be Gone" by Don Aslett (He's somewhat of a cleaning guru). It talks about how attached we get to things and stuff that really has no use. We hold onto junk for some possible future use or because we can't bear to get rid of something we paid for. There are millions of reasons he lists for why we hold onto things that take up much needed space in our lives. But the ultimate outcome is the same, the clutter begins to take over not only our space but our lives.

For example. I love to scrapbook, I do one scrapbook for each of my children that spans the first year of their life. This is a doable goal for me and I feel a nice gift of me for my kids. The problem was that I have so much scrapbook stuff that when I get it all out it takes over my house. It is all I can do for days (even with my own craft room), because I have to do it when it is out because it is such a hassle to put away. For that reason I rarely scrapbook. So my holding onto scraps of paper and old stickers that I no longer care for and have no reason to use ends up holding me back from pursuing a creative outlet that I sincerely enjoy.

I have now caught the bug. Each week I am assigning myself one area of my house that needs de-cluttering and then I am going to do it. I want to live like "things" are not dictating what I do and don't get accomplished in life. My next goal is my linen closet, it is a disaster and I know that I will feel like a new person when that project is taken care of.

Seriously all you women out there suffering from clutter, just get rid of it. It will sting for a moment but you will feel so much better. Thoreau said "It is desirable that a man be clad so simply ...that he live in all respects so compactly and preparedly , that, if an enemy take the town, he can, like the old philosopher, walk out the gate empty-handed without anxiety." I heard a story somewhere (since I'm not citing the source I can't vouch for it's authenticity) but it was about two different groups of men working on a damn. One was Native American and the other Average white Americans. There was a catastrophic flood one day that wiped out half the workers, surprisingly all were white men. When asked what happened the Native Americans replied "The White men ran for their money, and we ran to safety".

Don't let things and money rule your life. If you get a moment read Thoreau, or if you aren't into classic literature (it is hard to wade through, I read it because I had to for my degree) read one of Don Aslett's clutter books (he has several). Free yourself and live in such a way that you own your things and they don't own you.

Who's tired of being a grown up?

So our washing machine just died!!!

I am so done with things breaking all at the same time. First the computer and now the washer. I didn't even get emotional or scared about the fact that my washer died right after our computer it just seemed to make sense. We finally buy a house and get in a position where we have no savings, my husbands company starts to scale back on bonus' while at the same time expecting him to triple the amount of additional service agreements he usually does and then things start dying. And I didn't even mention the fact that we barely just bought a second car (we'd been a one car family for almost four years). When it rains it pours.

I know I can't complain because no matter how bad or inconvenient it is for me, somebody has it worse.

I just sometimes go to bed wishing that I could be a child again and not worry about bills or insurance or even my waistline. Now I am realistic. I remember that being a kid was tough; so many things felt like the end of the world. I can't even remember how many times I would empty my toy box and climb inside wishing I never had to get out again (because I was so embarrassed over something I'd done). But I can't shake the feeling like I was so lucky when I didn't have to worry about grown-up problems.

Take for example calories. When I was little I never worried how many calories were in a piece of cake, but tonight at a barbecue at my parents house I couldn't not think about how much fat and sugar was in the frosting on a three layer carrot cake. I really didn't enjoy it as much as my daughter who ate it without the slightest thought given to the caloric index. She got home tonight and went to bed happy whereas I not only feel guilty about eating the cake but ontop of that I spent the entire night trying to figure out how we can afford a new washing machine. I was researching deals and trying to get enough information to put together a comparison worksheet so that sometime this month (before we run out of clean clothes) we can buy a new one.

I know, I know, the grass is always greener. But there have got to be some other people out there just as tired of being grownup as I am.

Computer trouble

So right before we left for our family vacation our computer crapped out. The fan stopped working and I've been hesitant to use the computer because I've been worried about the computer crashing. My sweet husband has been working to get it fixed, but he is a very frugal man and doesn't want to spend any money (which also explains why he doesn't want to buy and new computer).

For a while my neighbor lent me her spare laptop and I got a few things done on the neighborhood blog. Right now I am typing on a laptop that my sister in law hated so much she bought a new one to get rid of it. I am thrilled that she disliked it so much because she felt so bad for me (cause my husband won't buy me a new computer) she gave it to me.

So I haven't written anything for a while. Now I'm going to try and get caught up on everybody's blogs but it may take time. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here I'm just suffering from the computer blues. We can't all have nice pretty ibooks like you Stacey (yes I'm jealous, but thanks for lending me your extra laptop).

Thanks!!!

I wanted to say thank you to all those who commented so sweetly on my last blog. I will try and thank you all on your blogs, but I haven't had time yet to do that. I was having a very hard time and it was so nice to know that I'm not the only one. I think women talk about how they are feeling more than men because we want to know that we aren't alone in feeling sad or frustrated.

So many people out there put on a brave and happy facade when they face the world. I know that I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one who has problems. And I wonder why everyone else seems to be functioning so well while I am struggling so much. I think that from some of the responses I got to the last post I can generally assume that most women in the world go through similar struggles and commiserating about them brings sanity and a sense of relief.

I don't think anyone on this earth is perfect or has everything perfectly together, why should we hold ourselves up to that standard feeling like worthless women because we mess up or fall down a few times. I was talking with my mother and she was talking about how she struggled when she was a young mother and how she did so much wrong. I of course assuaged her fears and let her know she did a great job and I am grateful for what she did for me. She came back saying that there were a lot of times when she knows that she messed up and didn't do it right.

The truth is that not one of us who is a mother or even a person for that fact can unequivocally state that we never do anything wrong. The best and most together mother I have ever met messed up real big once and I know she was scared and embarrassed that it happened, but the kids were ok and the truth is that it gave me hope. If someone so incredibly without fault and with amazing kids can make a mistake then it's ok for me to make mistakes sometimes.

We all know that the most we can expect from our children is that they are constantly trying their best. Why shouldn't that be our rule too? If we are trying our best and doing the very most we can...well that should be enough.

I just think we should all be honest about our struggles. If we let someone know that it isn't all peaches and roses and that life sucks sometimes it can help people to feel less alone and scared. I was always told growing up that marriage wasn't picture perfect and that it is dang hard even if you are doing it right. That made me realistic about what I expected from marriage and the truth is that it has made me happier with my husband and my marriage. It is the same with children, if you tell people that children are always the brightest part of life, then you are setting someone up for failure. Yes children are wonderful and they do make life brighter and happier and inspire love that you didn't know existed...but they are hard. And raising them right means that they are going to tell you that they hate you and they are not going act like they love you all the time.

Let people know that your life isn't perfect. I know mine isn't. I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anybody else's. The same goes for my husband and my children. The truth is though that some days I can't stand my children, can't look at my husband and sometimes I have to leave the house for a girls night out or I feel like running away.

Sometimes we are all we have, women are the only ones who will ever understand women. We need to be there for each other and I want to say a heartfelt thank you to all the women who were there for me this last week. I needed to know that you are there and that you understand.

Anyone with me?

So after a couple of frustrating weekends I've decided that I need to post something about how I'm feeling so that I don't go mad.

I am not the best person in the world, I'll freely admit that but I have had an especially hard time controlling my emotions lately. I can't stop fighting with my sweet husband and seem to find a reason to cry every time I leave the house.

I know that there is a lot personally that I need to work on to become the kind of person I would like to be. For instance I need to not be hurt when my family doesn't find me as interesting as my sister in law. That is petty and downright conceited, but it is hard to get over when I am struggling with feeling relevant in the first place. Everything is not about me and I get that (in my head); but for some reason I feel like a neglected child whenever I feel people aren't listening to me or start talking over top of me while I am speaking.

Verbiage is my canvas of choice and I know that I enjoy talking more than the average person. While most people can get exhausted by an hour of conversation, I by contrast get invigorated. It pumps me up and helps me evaluate all of the hours of internal dialogue that flow through me while I am cleaning, running on the treadmill or just blindly nodding and smiling at my three year old while she talks.

I think it is an innate female propensity to verbally dissect things and figure them out one at a time. Some women don't enjoy it at all but I think it's a more feminine quality than masculine. Whatever the reason it hurts me more than most people when I feel like nobody is finding what I say relevant or interesting. It's compounded by the fact that I am a stay at home mom and have a hard time feeling relevant by my own standards.

The other issue that has been plaguing me is that I blame my husband for things that he really has no control over. Like when I have a bad day and he doesn't notice that I'm miserable and doesn't say anything to me. I get irate because he should know that I need someone to talk to and help me out of my funk. But lets face it, how can he know he should do something if I don't tell him. I know it's my problem but for some reason I just can't rewire myself to tell him that I need him to uplift me.

I realize that I am rambling and not making a great deal of sense, but the fact is I have spent the majority of the last weekend crying over the two issues above. I know that they are my problem and that I need to learn to be a better person who doesn't compare how much my family prefers my sister in law to me. I also know that I need to stop being passive aggressive to my husband, especially when he has no idea what is going on.

Don't you guys sometimes hate being women?

So much estrogen, so little sense and a whole lotta tears and the end result: a mildly depressed woman all over something so little a man wouldn't have noticed it if you pointed it out for him.

Two fun? projects...

Over the past week I did two projects. One that was a lot of fun and turned out well and the other that was well...if I was a swearing woman. The first project was a cake tasting for a wedding cake I am making in a few months. I made a marshmallow fondant and it turned out beautiful and if you want to see pictures click here to see them on my cake blog. As you can tell I am not a photographer by any means but below is a picture of a magnet board I've been working on (that was the second project).



This particular project seemed so easy at first. I decided I wanted to make one because I haven't found any place that sells them and the one I've seen for sale wasn't what I wanted or for a price I could afford. So I decided to make one. I scoured the internet for instructions and found many. I looked over them and decided that I could totally do it. So I roped my sister in law into making one too and we would build them together.


It all seemed to be going so well untill it came time to paint the frames. We really should have used spray paint but for some reason we chose another kind of paint. Well it was a cold day and we were having trouble with the paint. It wasn't drying. We used a blow drying to no avail and were flabbergasted that it wasn't drying. Well after looking more closely at the can we saw that it said that the paint wouldn't dry in very low temperatures. We had been painting in my garage (because we didn't want lots of fumes in the house). So after discovering our mistake we quickly brought the whole project inside and started praying that the paint would still dry.


Well it dryed but almost took two days! So we were very frustrated with the project already. Then it came time to glue the frame to the metal.


The internet instructions said to use liquid nails but they neglected to specify which type of liquid nails (yes I discovered that there are many different strengths and kinds). So after trying to glue the frame with (the wrong kind of) liquid nails my sister in law and I were at the end of our rope. It would not stick and finally we decided we had the wrong glue. So we researched what glue would work best and went to get it. Thankfully my sister in laws project started to work with the new glue, but because I had used the other glue on my project (even though I had tried to scrape the old glue off) mine would not stick. So I spent another two days rubbing and sanding trying to get the wrong glue off my project. Most of it I had to get off with my nails. At the end of this long process my hands were incredibly dry and almost bleeding from all of the washing and scraping of paint and glue. Even though my sister in laws project was finished and looked fantastic I almost felt no desire to finish my own magnet board.


Last night I finally just got fed up with looking at it and finished it. It looks pretty good I think, but I will never be able to look at it without getting a little angry.

No offense dog lovers...

So I am tired...tired of being painted a villain simply because I am not fan of dogs. I am well aware that there are millions of people out there that LOVE their dogs. That is totally fine with me, I do think that dog people are extremely loving people who possess the ability to enjoy those slobbery creatures that are loud and messy. I am also aware that children are much like dogs (they are loud and messy and you do have to clean up their poo for a few years). The problem I have with dog people is that they are shocked and dismayed when anyone is a little threatened by their beloved dog.

The other night was Superbowl Sunday, an American pastime, icon whatever you want to call it. I am not a huge fan of football but I totally support my husbands wishes to watch that game (after all it only happens once a year). In my show of support I attended a party at my husband's brothers home. It was a fun night filled with food, fun and lots of laughs. We went to leave their house quite late. As we exited the house with two tired children in tow we saw two large dogs bounding towards us barking and snarling at us. My oldest has a phobia of dogs and she jumped into Daddy's arms screaming, while I was holding our nine month old and fumbling trying to open the front door while screaming myself. I got back into the house with my heart racing and found to my frustration a number of amused people.

The owner of the dogs lived next door and was a little flabbergasted that we might have a problem with two dogs running towards us as if in attack mode. Others found it funny that I was so scared. Now I'm not saying that anyone hurt my feelings (besides the dogs), because lets face it, the sight of a grown woman ready to fall into tears over two boxers is a little funny. Especially when the people familiar with the home and the dogs know that they are harmless and more bark than bite.

The frustration for me dawned when I collected myself and found myself terribly embarrassed by acting and feeling like a little girl again. My whole life I have been treated bemusedly because of my disaffection for canines. When I was little my aunts and uncles would laugh at me running into the house to avoid getting mauled by the many dogs running off leashes and out of fences in rural Canada. Even in the movies I watched growing up anyone who didn't like dogs was painted as the evil character. Whether it's Disney movies or romantic comedies. Women especially who freaked when the dogs bounded in were the characters who were unmasked as the seedy, city people who don't love anyone, let alone dogs. It is often the acid test in a romantic comedy or television show to see if the woman is really as good as she seems.

I am just so tired of feeling like a bad person because (I feel like I have to say it quietly because it feels evil even to think it) I just don't like dogs. I might be able to trace it back to an experience walking through a cow pasture one day when I was about 6 and two fighting dogs ran up to me and were basically fighting between my legs. My sweet three year old started disliking dogs around the time she was 18 months old and after entering a friends house a small dog jumped on her back and started assaulting her before I could snatch her up and save her.

Please don't hate me dog lovers. I love people and would never want to hurt any (person's) feelings. Just don't hate me because I am not an animal lover. And I want to stand up and say that it doesn't make me a bad person.

No response

Ok so I'm not going to take it personally, but it seems nobody is interested in getting a free homemade something from me. I really don't mind that no one wants to do it because it is similar to those chain letters or emails where if you comment an action is required on your part. So no hard feelings. My friend did the pay it forward on her blog and I thought it sounded fun.

Instead how about everybody who reads this does something nice for someone else. Look around your house at what you can get rid of that might be of use to somebody who may be in need. There are so many people out there suffering from job losses and decreased living expenses. I think when the time is dire and you personally feel like you don't have much, that is the time to give.

Another rant

So pardon me for always having an opinion on everything but I was thinking a lot about this subject this last weekend. I have been trying to get my house in order and de-junk by getting rid of things and activities we:

a. don't need (or)
b. don't have room/time for

In part of my effort I went to a successful mothering convention that had classes on organizing your home (and life) and classes on losing weight and various other ideas to get you motivated as a mother. I loved the convention and I am going for sure again next year. They had so many tips to help you get more done in a day and talked about getting rid of excuses and just finding the desire to make your life more what you want it to be. But as I was sitting there listening to women give ideas on how to save time by not taking as many trips upstairs while cleaning, and then listened to the next give motivation for exercise I felt that they were both missing the most important talent that women possess, multitasking.

Yes I am a believer that we should clean our houses everyday (even if I don't get it done all the time, by darn I try). And I also believe in trying to exercise every day. But I have discovered out of necessity that both can be incorporated into each other. Just like parking at the back of a parking lot can increase the number of calories you burn. Being a disjointed scatterbrained housewife can and does burn calories as well. I actually make an effort not to bring all my children's clothes up the stairs in the same trip after folding laundry. It is kind of fun bounding up the stairs as fast as I can only holding my daughter's shirts, and then bounding down again to get the items for the next drawer in her dresser. I have to admit that I think about the extra calories that I am burning. It is the same with cleaning up a room. I could put all the things that need to go upstairs in a basket and make one trip, granted that does make more sense. But if I run the toys upstairs one at a time I can actually feel my butt lifting (pardon the unpleasant mental image).

When I lived in my last apartment there were no stairs and again I took advantage of what was offered. There was a long narrow hallway from the front room to the bedrooms. I would just hold the laundry up on my chest and squat and do a basketball shuffle to the bedroom and then back to the get the next pile. The extra advantage to this calorie burning exercise is that if you think of how truly silly you must look you get an ab workout laughing at yourself.

One of the better tips at the convention was to categorize your shopping lists so that you get it done faster. The thing the presenter didn't count on was that I've tried doing that before and I find it more satisfying to run from one end of the store and back again several times. That not only (burns calories) but it tires out my three year old. See I get three things done at once. I get the shopping done, I get a free workout and I get a child that is ready to nap. And people say that children grow out of naps, they just don't know the appropriate schedule to ensure they will always take naps.

I know I am weird and part of me just doesn't want to listen to other people, but these are the things that were going through my mind as I sat and listened to these awesome speakers talk about really smart ideas. The realization I came to was that I am incredibly self centered and I also must have a short attention span and try and entertain myself when my attention lapses.

Anyway, all you scatterbrained housewives out there, take solace in the fact that you may not get things done as fast and efficiently as you could, but hey, you burn more calories and have a lot more fun.

Matching blankets

Obviously these blankets don't match each other but they match their own corresponding paintings in the last post. The first matches the alligator and the second matches the Lion. I sized the blanket for my youngest so that it would fit perfect in her crib. My oldest's blanket I sized to fit her toddler bed. As you can see I don't think very far ahead. I figure that I'll just make bigger blankets for them when they are in bigger beds.
I'm kind of proud of these blankets because I designed them myself and mostly made them with remnant pieces of fabric that I buy whenever they are dirt cheap. So at the risk of sounding conceited I really wanted to show them off a little. You know how it is when you are a stay at home mom. You don't get a paycheck or bonus for what you do and you don't get grades to praise you when you do something well. I figure blogging is the only way to get praise or acknowledgement from your peers.

My girls paintings!

So this blog is generally my writing blog but I have decided to start posting some of the other creative things that I do. I love to paint and these are two paintings I did for my girls for their rooms.

I love art but don't have alot of time to devote to it. The only reason that I was able to do these paintings is because I made them as presents for birthdays and Christmas. I also made matching blankets for them that I should post too. I just have to take pictures of them.

Too many words!

Ok it's official. I talk too much. In what medium you may ask. The answer is complex, this blog, the phone, to neighbors, at church, around family... ok you get the picture. I am way too superfluous with my diction. So I am going to salute Walden today; I would like to post a poem. (Although Thoreau certainly didn't embrace simplicity in regards to words:-)

Romantic Walks Down Hospital Corridors

Diagonal tiles line the long hallway,
Alternating: green, cream, green, cream.
He is watching his purposeful shuffle,
Leaning heavily on the intravenous connection,
That mechanical being closer to him than her.

She is alone while walking beside him,
Chattering and squeezing his hand at irregular moments.
She does not make eye contact,
For her smile is unbelievable.

Meandering down one dark corridor,
She raises her hand, wiping his forehead;
She raises his hand, kissing his IV;
Their walking is what matters: nothing else exists.

Tana Horton (Vol. 23, Metaphor 2004)

The art of understanding

It is no secret that tough times are upon us. Recently I was talking with someone who is suffering greatly from this worsening economic climate. She is going to have a baby in three months and her husband got laid off before Christmas. She is having a difficult time coping. Luckily she works in a profession where she will always be needed, but she is worried about what will happen when her baby comes and physically she will need to be there for her child. She wants to breastfeed and wants to only have to work a little. Unfortunately her husband is having a hard time finding a job. While talking with her I was trying to lessen her fears and help her maintain a positive attitude, for the sake of her baby. She is a very tough person and if there is anyone made to cope with challenges like this it is her, but it brought to mind a subject I have been pondering of late. The challenges each of us face always seem hard to us but they are either obvious or impossible for others to see. Each person has their own struggles. While it is easy to see that this particular person's struggles are great, it is harder for people to acknowledge that those who are struggling in different ways are indeed struggling.

I was relating to my brother how scared I was because someone my daughter plays with had lice. He almost laughed right into the phone. He said "If the worst thing you have to deal with right now is whether or not your daughter might have lice, than you've got it easy." While what he said was technically true there was a certain something missing in the delivery of his sentiment. It is difficult to be in a situation where everyone knows you are struggling, but I think it is just as hard to be in a situation where you are struggling and everyone suggests that you shouldn't be having a hard time. It is easy to feel for those who are struggling financially, but it is harder to feel for everyone who is struggling in their own ways.

Compassion shouldn't be reserved for a certain tax bracket. It is something everybody needs. Just because people make a lot of money or even just enough money it doesn't mean that they do not have challenges. Denying certain people compassion because they aren't struggling in the most obvious of ways is unfair and sometimes downright cruel.

Now I am not suggesting that my brother was being cruel to me. I think in that situation I needed a little perspective thrust upon me. It is very important to count blessings. When most of us were little were we not reminded that there were starving people in the world to ensure we appreciated meatloaf. It is important for every person to consider what is good about their lives. That is what I shared with the person who was struggling in the above situation, I tried to point out where she was blessed. It can help people to know that everything will be ok. But the delivery of perspective should be a delicate procedure. It should be tempered with compassion, so that they understand that they aren't crazy for being worried in the first place.

One of the greatest lessons I have ever learned is that people crave understanding. Even if a situation seems silly to have elicited a certain response, it was elicited. You cannot change the way you feel about something until you acknowledge how you feel about it. That is why I truly believe that trying to understand a person's situation is the absolute best way to help. Trying to walk in someone else's shoes is the best way to make someone feel better.

For example a few months ago my toddler threw a fit over eating a burger we bought for her one day. She told us "she quit" in regards to the burger. Now our immediate response was for her to "get over it" and eat. We had paid money for that burger and she was going to eat it. After stopping though and examining why she didn't want to eat it we discovered that it was overflowing with mustard. Really there was more mustard than burger. If we had stopped and wondered why she didn't want to eat the burger we would have discovered that and fixed the problem and she would have eaten her meal without any problem.

Now some people would say she shouldn't have reacted so strongly to such a small problem, but the reason the reaction was so strong was because their was no understanding. If we had inserted just a small does of understanding she probably wouldn't have thrown a fit in the first place.

My point, and I hope I have communicated it clearly, is that everyone should practice giving out more compassion and less advice. Even though it may seem (and it may really be true) that someone shouldn't complain about washing out poopy outfits, because in the grand scheme of things it's not really a horrible problem, it did make that person upset and compassion should be exercised. The best and sometimes only way for a person to be happy is for them to feel like they aren't crazy for having the feelings they have and then they will be free to try and improve their attitude towards their own personal trials.

Everybody struggles with different things. No one person's struggles corner the market on suffering. If money brought happiness than no movie stars would commit suicide or suffer from depression. Indeed some peoples struggles do take precedence over others, but that doesn't mean you should eliminate all compassion for anyone except those in dire need. I think the answer is to give higher percentages of compassion to those who are struggling to provide for their basic needs. Then give lower percentages of compassion (but still a percentage) to those who are struggling with less pressing issues.

I bet I can find more pieces than you!

So Christmas and New years are over. Did you hear that, yeah that was a sigh of relief from me. I love the holidays, they are awesome. Family, friends, music, food, lights and who can forget chocolate (it has a separate category from food because it occupies a special place in my heart). But lets be realistic, being close to family for a long period of time has it's down side. My family is well informed, funny and extremely fun. I laugh ninety percent of the time I spend with them, which is a good workout considering the other ten percent I spend eating. The downside to such an entertaining group is part of what makes them fun, the competitive spirit.

This Christmas my brother and his wife and my sister and her husband traveled to stay with my parents during the holidays. I live close by and spent almost everyday of the last week there with my family and my girls. My older brother is a hardcore gamer and brought rumikub, scrabble, and sequence to play during his stay. My sister and her husband are into gaming as well and gave my brother a real estate game and brought St. Petersburg (with an extension) and a few other games I can't name off the top of my head.

A fun game here and there is really quite an enjoyable way to pass the time. The interesting thing about my family is that they seem to be competitive about who has the most stamina regarding board games. It seemed that every moment of the day needed a game going or my dear brother was unhappy. Even that would be tolerable if those playing didn't treat the games with deadly seriousness. Such is the case with my family. We are blessed (from both sides of the family) with intense competitive drives. This makes for at least one terribly happy player and several very unhappy losers. I must admit that I was one of the unhappy losers the majority of the time. I grew into darker shades of the least graceful loser as the days rolled by.

I really don't like myself when I get like that. Even as a child I would play games with my cousins and my aunts and uncles would be slack jawed at how brazenly broody I became if things didn't go my way. My sisters and I broke at least two doors in our house growing up because a game didn't go our way. For this reason I have tried (unsuccessfully) to stay away from board games. My friends would ask to play a game and I couldn't refuse because I was trying to build friendships. Then twenty minutes into the game I would start calling people "buts" and getting a look on my face that would scare any adult alive. Most of my friends were forgiving but a few would be so shocked that they would start laughing and taking pleasure in my own displeasure. So then my strategy changed for controlling my angst, win, at all costs. The only way to avoid my dirty little personality flaw was to avoid the circumstances under which it unveils. So I got to be very good at games, and only played with people who didn't care so that I could win as much as possible.

That strategy was a good one, with anyone except my family. Not only do my own siblings care more than life about winning, but all of them (with me as the exception) married people who incredulously seem to care about it too. The tension in my parents house seemed to rise with each game. For a while most of us tried to put on the uncaring face when we lost. That lasted a few days, then came the insults. Once they marched in it was over. So finally this last Monday I told my family that I was sick of games. I decided we were going to relax and do some puzzles and watch movies. Sounds like a good idea right, NOT. My dear, dear brother came downstairs and started to insult my sister and me on our puzzling skills. Then, oh my goodness, he looked at his watch and said "Whoever finds the most pieces in the next ten minutes is the best." Yeah, this is my family.

The capstone of the holidays was on New Years Eve. Finally all our family was together. My other brother and his wife came to join the rest of the group for our annual treasure hunt. Usually our family New Year's Eve treasure hunts are a group effort with a huge group of fifty or so searching for clues in the city and around the suburbs where my parents live. But of course this year my father was in charge. He always splits everyone into teams. Which usually works well if you consider for a long time the personalities of each person and carefully assemble the teams. But of course my father didn't want to make anyone mad and allowed everyone to make their own teams. This consisted of my siblings and I forming a team, and each of my fathers siblings to form teams with their families. This left the most competitive people in the family all on one team. It was an interesting night. Lets just say that we broke traffic laws, forced open a video store after closing time and defied the laws of physics to win the contest and we were not gracious winners.

So here is the question of the day: How on earth does one learn to control genetic programming that places extreme competitive natures in people who can't seem to handle it? If you figure it out, please let me know. I am at a loss and extremely embarrassed over my behavior this last week. How anyone puts up with me, I do not know. I guess it's a good thing my family is related to me, they have to love me. Even when I behave so poorly I can barely call my behavior adult.