You never outgrow a good friend!

I have the best people in the world that I count as friends. Even when I was in High School and Junior High I was blessed with awesome friends. Some of them even still stay in contact with me and we keep each other updated on the goings on in our adult lives.

I know many people claim their friends are the best, but I think I have the market cornered. When we moved to the states when I was thirteen I met some lovely people who helped to ease the horrible transition from rural country life to suburban living. When in High school I was acquainted with several people without whom I could not have survived the terrifying process of growing up.

Then after two years in college and marrying my sweetheart we moved to Florida where I met amazing individuals that enriched my life and taught me many things that have molded the adult and mother I've become.

Then we moved into our lovely little home here. I've met a few people who I've grown very close to and who understand and put into perspective the hardest and darkest trials me and my family have faced in the last three years.

I've grown up alot over the years but I will never outgrow these people who have always been there for me. Thank you all of you who've blessed me and my family with your friendship. Even when I didn't realize I needed you; you were there. I pray that I've been a good friend to all of you and that I will grow to be the kind of person who blesses other's lives.

I hate looking needy!!

This time of the year is the worst to appear like you don't have things together. For example I about died this morning when I saw a pink note on my front door from Clearfield city. Dan was two flippin days late paying that bill and already they posted a big "hey these people don't have enough money" sign on my front door for all my neighbors to see.

The truth is if it were just the one note I'd probably be able to get over it, but earlier in November I went to hear my daughter sing at her school only to be told (at the door I might add) that it was three dollars a person to get in. It wasn't that we didn't have the money, I just hadn't been told they would charge me to hear my kindergartener sing. Well a number of neighbors also send their kids to this school and of course a family saw us fumbling around not having any money and I hate that piteous look that you never know if it means they think you just are too poor to pay.

Dan and I have more than enough resources at the moment. Not that we're swimming in money but besides our house and school we have no debt and we make enough to pay our bills and attend our childs Christmas concert. Yes we are frugal and I try not to spend more than neccessary on....well everything. But that is why we are doing ok. I just hate the thought that my friends and neighbors may think we are poor...especially around Christmas time.

I guess I'm sensitive about it because I have been there. Growing up we were poor, at least by the monetary standards set up by the state. My mom was horrified when Christmas presents were dropped off at our house one particularly tight year. I didn't quite understand why because I knew we didn't have enough money to buy any presents that year. Now I get it! The thought that someone thinks you don't have enough or can't take care of your family is humiliating.

Most people should know that just because Dan and I are cheap doesn't make us poor. Yes I have been complaining about the thought of buying a van and how much we don't have the money for this next step in our life. But when I say that I'm only saying we don't have enough money up front to buy a van, so that we don't have a car payment. We just have to put a little less in savings and we could afford a car payment, but we are just too cheap to face that reality right now.

The only reason Dan was late paying a bill in the first place is because he is taking over a full course load this semester (his last). And I have been struggling to keep things together myself. Being six months pregnant and trying to keep the house running by myself and trying to adjust to a half day kindergartener has been a real challenge. Add to that my sister having a baby, numerous other extended family emergencies and needs I've barely kept my head above water. Then you add responsibilities for church and things have gotten out of control.

And now right when Dan's school is pretty much done and he would be free to start really helping me....he gets the news that he is going on a trip next week.

I needed to complain about life, just for a second. But truly we are soooo blessed. We have everything monetary that we need, and then Dan and I have each other and are blissfully happy in our marriage. Our children are healthy, happy and wonderful all around. And Dan is employed...how wonderful is that. The fact that he has a steady job and it can pay the bills and pay for a nice Christmas is almost more than I could ask for.

So I guess I'm saying don't worry about me....it may have been a stressful, crazy, insanely busy and tear jerking month, but November is over and now we are hopefully going to start recovering from it.

Extremely lucky, blessed...or whatever word fits

When I was my youngest daughter's age I lived in a small cozy house. Me and my (at the time) three other siblings shared a bedroom. My two elder brothers slept in a bunkbed and then there was a twin that me and my sister shared. This room was not meant to be a bedroom it was actually more of a pantry. With the bunk bed and twin in there there was maybe a two foot squared space left.

As my parents added three more children to our little home in Horsefly B.C. my dad built an addition so that there were two more bedrooms. We never had that much, in fact I can remember the few times in my young life where I got new clothes or shoes instead of hand-me-downs.

I bring this up because I was looking at my little girls room last night. They have a store bought bunk bed (ours were always homemade), they have two beautiful dressers, a dollhouse book shelf and a real dollhouse with all the attachements. Under their bed are bins of toys. In their closet are close to ten dress up princess dresses. Along with several more bins of toys. In our basement they have a play kitchen. They have a trampoline in the backyard along with their swingset and sandbox.

Now I don't want to diminish what I had growing up. My dad built a treehouse in a grove of trees near our house. He made a basketball court and we had a horse that we could ride whenever we liked. We had an awesome sandbox and in the wintertime my dad flooded the pond to make a homemade ice rink we got to skate on.

I was incredibly blessed growing up and I had alot of things many people never have. But I can't help but look at my lovely house that has enough room for my family and a craft room for me. And I can't help but look at the dollhouse my children have and think how incredibly lucky and blessed they are.

Growing up I always had what I needed and an outdoor wonderland to play in. But my children are so lucky to have what they have too. I know what is important and both me in my childhood and my children in theirs have what is most important, a family that loves them.

Not wanting to get up...

This morning I had to give myself a loooong pep talk just to get up. Not cause I'm overwhelmed (even though I am), not because my kids are driving me crazy (they were actually pretty cute this morning), not because I had so much housework to do that I could spend the entire day working and not make a dent..........

..........the real reason is that I feel so incredibly fat that getting out of bed just depresses me. Yes, it is true that I am 20 wks pregnant and gaining weight is part of the job. But no matter how hard I try I just can't get used to gaining weight. It absolutely feels wrong....and the worst part is when I am feeling super heavy and regretting the choices I've made with food, I can't go running for an hour to feel better. Set aside the fact that I don't have time....I haven't been running for so long. First I was sick for a few months and then I just seriously was way too overbooked to get anything done. So now not only am I gaining weight, but I am seriously out of shape to boot.

The only silver lining is I am just barely reaching the weight I was at when I got pregnant with my first two. Yes this is a nice bonus, but my total weight gain is well over fifteen pounds and I'm only half done with this thing.

Please don't think I obsess over my weight all the time (well I do), but I don't usually talk about it during the day and I try not to ever mention it infront of the kids. I do not want to be their excuse for obsessing over it, there are plenty other reasons for them to obsess...I really don't want to add to that list.

So instead I am whining and complaining about it on my blog. Not because I am looking for others to tell me it's ok (but I'd be fine if some of you did :-) If I was really looking to be validated in my weight gain then I'd post something on facebook where all my near and dear friends would comment about everything that is normal and funny about my situation. Instead I wanted to just vent...you know. There is nothing I can do to stop gaining weight and yes my tiny next door neighbor is pregnant at the same time as me and is going to be much smaller then me the entire time (yes I'm talking about you Stacy;-)

It's ok and I know that but I had a really, really hard time getting out of bed facing what is happening to my body again. Fellow body sacrificing women, I feel your pain. Yes we get a precious baby out of the experience but it is not without a cost.

I also know that others would give anything in the world to mutilate their bodies just to have a chance to give birth and I don't mean to lessen their pain in any way.....but it isn't easy seeing something you worked so hard at for so long slip away knowing that you are going to have to work twice or three times as hard to get it back.

Ok I'm done....thanks for listening:-)

freedom

Definition:

-to jump out of a car while it's moving

-the right to make wrong choices

-breaking the law although minor, but still illegal

-the ability to suffer alone

-bareknuckled battle to drive without a seatbelt

-freedom was always there...it was the fight

-the terrible serrated life...cut off from the formicary of your birth

-But you and you alone severed the thread!

Tana Horton 2010

School and stress!!

Does anyone out there ever get the feeling that they make life harder for their children? My eldest daughter started Kindergarten. I really get that this is a hard transition for her, but I can't help but feel that I am just making it harder by trying to help.

Here's the deal. My daughter is a seemingly well adjusted 5 yr old who loves to go to school and adores her teacher, her friends, learning in general and especially recess. She seems to get the concepts being taught and even get along with her peers fairly well. But whenever she doesn't win at anything she totally has a meltdown.

They play a scrap game where they have to find the "magic scrap" and whenever she doesn't find it she cries. The teacher also gives out "yes" tickets to students who are being quiet right before the bell. Whenever she doesn't get one she cries.

Today she won a coloring contest and got to go the office for a special prize, and even though she got singled out she still had a hard time and had attitude because she didn't get a "yes" ticket. My husband thinks it's because she doesn't understand how special it was to win a contest based on effort, and he may be right....but still....really. I just have the hardest time not exploding all over her and saying "what is wrong with you". Of course I refrain and try and talk to her calmly about how important it is that everyone in her class gets a chance to win things like the scrap game and the "yes" tickets.

The other problem she seems to be having is that I get a little misty eyed when sending her with carpool. I ask her for a hug and she gets sad too. A few times she has cried all the way to school because she says she misses me. I know that I am causing her to have a hard time going to school because I am sad to see her go, but I'm not sure what I can do to stop the emotions from rising when I see my little girl leaving me and growing up.

I know all her problems are my fault from not teaching her correctly or giving her enough natural consequences or being to overly anxious myself over everything in general. I feel as if everything I do to make things better just makes it worse and proves to her that I am a crazy neurotic mother who one day she will roll her eyes at and feign listening to.

I just wanted her to love me forever in her little girl way and tell me everything that is of consequence to her and yet still respect me as an authority figure. Is that really too much to ask?

I dream in chocolate!!!

How long will I sit and wonder
about white flour days and
brown sugar nights? For the longer
I ponder what my life

is missing, the more I yearn for
those cinnamon flavored
spring times. All the time hoping for
the things in my powder

sugar past to melt into a
chocolate afternoon
warmed in the oven to form a
honey butter glazed sun-

set. As my life fades I never
will wrap my tongue around that
rich and yet fluffy texture
I am always smelling.

Tana Horton

Ahhh your very first car!

My eighteen year old sister just got her first car. She is a lovely girl who has been through more than her share of struggles in her young life; which is why most of her friends and family state "you deserve it!" with love and pride. Me on the other hand can't help but think "You don't deserve that sweetie", in the kindest way because you see I've had a first car at eighteen and I know what she is getting into.

I was eighteen and entering Weber State University as a freshman. I didn't decide I needed a car instead my parents and my older brother made the decision for me. You see my eldest brother had just started school as well and my parents had taken him to see my uncle who at the time sold used fords in Boise. My brother being the slightly yeilding type was convinced to buy a somewhat old and beat up Ford Aspire for I think somewhere between $2000 and $3000. Has anyone heard of this car, well if you haven't count yourself lucky.

My brother happens to be 6'4" and this was not the best choice for a tall and muscular college student looking to impress the ladies (he looked alot like Mr. Incredible in his tiny car) so after about a month he and my parents convinced me that I needed the car and I proceeded to empty my bank account to pay my brother for the down payment he made on the car. I faithfully made the monthly payments for less than a year, many times making double payments because the loan amount was so low I figured why not get the creditors off my back (Smart right? No not so much).

You see my parents being who they are and my brother being who he is never thought it mattered much whether the car ever be put in my name. So my brother can thank me for the "credit" that went to his score instead of mine. Aside from that it was a fine car that didn't have air conditioning and actually set itself on fire once while I was driving to to work. I got to learn to drive a stick so that is something but learning from my lovely brother on the streets of Bountiful was worse than any freshman class I had that year, and stalling in the middle of the intersection of Harrison and highway 89 will always stand as a lovely memory.

When I got engaged the next summer and decided that my husband and I could not afford two cars on minimum wage and paying for two full time students tuition, my family convinced me that I wouldn't be able to sell the car for anything (and they were probably right, who'd want a ford aspire). So it was suggested that my younger sister (with help from my parents) would take over payments. So my dear little sister got that amazing car and paid it off very quickly and I think sold it to someone for a very reasonable price, because after all who wants a ford aspire?

I think out of everyone I put the most money into that car over the year I had it and I got the very least, less than a year of driving. I don't begrudge my family for the incident, in fact I counted it as one of the most important fiscal lessons I ever learned. I just was thinking about my poor little sister and can't help suggesting "You may be better off riding the bus:-)"

Self righteousness, arghhhh!

Can anything really be considered Christlike behavior when it is motivated by self interest?

Nobody is above anybody else and suggesting you are, doesn't that prove that you're not?

Perfection is never attained, so is anything other than private judgement (of actions, for the benefit of personal growth) ever ok?

Truthfully shouldn't we all assume that we always have things to learn and things we can change?

I will always remember a lesson I learned as a young child in Canada;

I looked longingly out our front window at three of my cousins riding their bikes and taking jumps in our driveway. I was mad, disgusted, upset and anything else that would suggest unrest.

"How come they get to break the sabbath and we don't?"

My father is generally not the most even-tempered or soft-spoken man in the world but when he responded to me his voice was soothing and exuded kindness from every intonation.

"Our family has chosen not to ride bikes on sunday and we feel that is a way we can honor the Lord's day of rest"

"But Dad, they go to the same church, shouldn't they..."

"Tana, everyone gets to make their own decisions on how they are going to live and what they are going to do to live their religion the best they can"

I grunted and turned away. He gently put a hand on my shoulder and continued.

"Until you have walked in their shoes you can't judge another person for their decisions, we don't play basketball on sunday right?"

"Right"

"Well what if you saw a family playing basketball on sunday and having a really good time, and you made the judgement that they didn't care about honoring the sabbath. Wouldn't you feel bad if later you found that their Dad had a job that made him travel and he was home for only a few days and he was spending every moment of it having fun with his family"

That seemed to make sense to me, and the hardness in my glare softened slightly.

"Tana you are in charge of you, you get to focus on your growth and progression, leave the rest up to the Being who truly can understand other people's situations"

I will always remember my father's words that day, they struck me with an intense force.

Now I'm not always perfect at not judging; but at the very least I do recognize that I'm not always right and I'm not above reproach. I am not better than anyone else, but it does hurt when others openly suggest they are above me.

I am aware that judging others for judging is hypocritical, so let me leave it at this; I am going to try and not judge others but I hope that others can understand my intentions and reserve their judgement as well. It's the least we can do for each other, to not place ourselves above others and become modern Pharasees.

I am tired and done

I'm so tired of defending every move I make because everyone thinks I should operate like them...

I'm done with jumping back and forth between thinking of others and their feelings and then feeling as if I deserve to think about myself once every blue moon...

I'm tired of fighting the world as it really is and finding out that my idealistic view of how it should be will never exist...

I'm done talking and talking and talking and finding that a large portion of people I interact with have no interest in anything I have to say, think or feel...

I'm tired of feeling inadequate because I will never be the kind of mom I want to be...

I'm done thinking that someday I will measure up...

I'm sooooo tired of everything and just want to sleep or watch chick flicks...

I thought I was done feeling sorry for myself but no matter how many times I say "I won't feel sorry for myself anymore" I can't make it true in a real sense...

Anyone else have a hard month?

"If you can't be pretentious in college..."

Most of us now are not in the formal education phase of our lives. For those who still are we are at an age where the romance of college life has worn off and we are left to figuring out the world the way it really is and not the way it appears in text books or professor's minds.

Now as we delve into the world as it really is, we need to be tolerant of those pretentious college students who think because they are in the thick of formal education that they are better informed than we are.

It is to be expected that college students be pompous and a little too self assured. Although for those of us lucky enough to be forming our own opinions instead of being spoon fed agreed upon opinions from the intellectual world, it is best to leave that high opinion of our own knowledge at the institution that declared us educated. By virtue of degree we are educated enough to be aware of how completely uninformed we are.

I may be wrong, after all I am constantly open to the knowledge of other schools of thought, but the smartest people in the world are those who never view themselves as such. They are aware of their own insignificance.

Every once in a while I see the wide eyed face of innocence. A person who has not ever found out the hard way they've been wrong, or seen the ugly face of reality so that their world is forever changed. It is a good thing to be this way, energy, misinformation, and confidence produce lovely people who believe in everything idealistic and sweat hope from every pore. Alas this phase of life cannot last forever and they must be educated for real at some point, some people can avoid this kind of education for a long time, but I have yet to meet someone in their later years that hasn't figured out how completely wrong they've been about a great many things.

I am young, I freely admit that, and that may mean I am wrong on this subject. I'm in no way above finding out I'm wrong, but now I've come to expect it and hope that there may be growth and learning for real; instead of pretended knowledge that is based on fiction or text that is and must be biased.

Side note: Anyone know the popular TV show from which the title of this post is quoted?

First impressions...

This month I will have lived 26 years. Not a lot I know but I thought I would share what I have found to be the most important lesson I have learned in my years on this earth. In the 26yrs I've been alive I have met a slew of people. Old, young, educated, uneducated, smart and less than intelligent (which I might add does not correlate with education as much as people would like to think). Anyway I have over the years formed a lot of first impressions.

One of the most interesting things about first impressions (at least mine that is) is that they are almost always wrong. In my experience first impressions are very shallow and one dimensional. Pegging Any person as only one or two things is most likely incorrect. The only exception to this is when I have thought certain people are kindhearted, loving people. This kind of first impression is not one dimensional and most often kind people really are simply kind people.

Whenever I have pegged somebody as shallow or extremely vain, if I get to know them I find that they are incredibly insecure and often are some of the most beaten inside and have almost the largest capacity for empathy out of anybody else in the world.

If I find a person cold or impersonal often once you get to know them they are the most sweet, loyal and kind people on the planet.

The biggest surprise to me has always been in the area of intelligence. People who can be viewed as dull or uneducated most often care very little if other people find them smart. This in and of itself is an amazingly humble person. Also once you take the time to really get to know (and sometimes spend years doing this) you will find that they have in incredible wealth of knowledge and their judgement is next to impecable. And yet they are still the most down to earth and real people that you will meet.

On my end of first impressions I have found that I tend to be incredibly judgemental. I worry about what other people think so much because I tend to judge others.

Lately I have tried to care less what others think of me, not in a way that lets me be rude to people; but in the long run if somebody thinks I'm a bad parent because my children act out in public, does it really matter? Because I am a good parent and I am doing my very best. It also matters very little if people think I'm intelligent, because really I'm not as smart as I think I am anyway. And if people think I'm stupid what does it matter. As long as I am always progressing I can feel good about what I am doing. I'm not always reading as much as I should or even reading classical literature as much as I should, but I read what I can. I try and continue my learning but at this point in my life it is more about furthering the knowledge of my children and if that stunts my knowledge base that's ok because my knowledge base about children is growing.

This tactic of caring less seems to only work though when I am thinking the best of everyone around me. Which goes along with ignoring my instinctual first impressions and always assuming that people are complex people with wonderful characteristics that could possibly enrich my life.

Now this doesn't mean that people don't sometimes mean to slight me or hurt me. Some people do, but the catch is that it doesn't make them a bad person. If I follow the advice of the Bible and pray for those who hurt my feelings (even intentionally) I find that I have alot more peace. It's a selfish thing to love those around you, because it makes you a happier healthier person.

I'm not great at this, but I am progressing and that is what matters. I love this life and the opportunity it gives us to work on ourselves and to become happier!!!!

Always remember that first impressions are almost always wrong unless you are thinking more about the person instead of less:-)

Gotta love children!

So I love my kids, ready for the but, sometimes they drive me crazy. My youngest wants to potty train which is fine but she doesn't understand what she is doing. She loves wearing underwear and sits on the potty for several hours a day of her own accord. She makes us take her to the potty when we aren't at home every five mins. But she hasn't once peed in the potty. She has pooped in it but really how long do I put up with this? Would it make me a failure if I forced her to wear a diaper?

My eldest by all accounts is one of the sweetest kids to walk the face of the earth, ready for the but, she has started to give me major attitude lately and has been saying unfortunate things infront of other people. Lately and I swear I don't know where she gets this (honestly I don't talk like this at home) she has been making comments about "fat" mommies. This hurts my feelings as much as anyone else, I just don't know how to address it. I've told her that if she eats her fruits and vegetables and stops eating when her tummy says so she will never have to worry about the "f" word. How do you teach your kids to be politically correct? Any ideas, really I'm worried about the way this could go.

I love my family!

Dan just got home from a long trip 9 days 8 nights and I was a little upset he had to go to work today. After what seemed like an eternity (I know it's nothing compared to people who have to deal with deployment) of being a single mom I wanted a break. I guess it's ok because he took they day off tomorrow. I was just so done with dealing with the kids when he left for work this morning I got a little mad. Not at him but at how much I didn't want to do the mom thing today. Well I finally got up and came to look at our new family pics again. I really love my family I just get tired of dealing with "Moommmmy!!!!" being yelled all day long. It's a good thing they are so cute, cause they do make it worth it!

Cake pictures!

I did this cake for my cousin Rachel. I think it turned out super cute!

Princesses, castles and cakes, oh my!

We had a princess party for my eldest this past week and I have to say that I had a blast getting ready for it and throwing it. It was all the things my daughter is pink, girly and fun. I love her and I really think she deserved the awesome party she got.My sister and sister in law were awesome as our party princesses. They talked to the girls at our "princess tea" about all the things that princesses are: kind, sweet and loving.

I didn't make this cake, my sweet sister bought it for Hannah because I had way too much to do preparing for the party.

Here is the basement all decked out in tuelle. I bought 400 yards of pink and white tuelle at a yard sale and used it like it was going out of style. I also made 8 tutus one for each princess guest.

I made this castle for the girls to color in when they first arrived.

Another cake!

I made this one for my niece yesterday. She wanted a "hello kitty" cake and I think it turned out rather good. Especially since I just threw it together (because it was mothers day and I didn't have a lot of time). It was fun making another cake, it was a funfetti one with pink cream cheese filling. I think my niece liked it.

My baby is growing up!

My youngest had her second birthday! One of her first words was "shortcake" in reference to the character strawberry shortcake. So I finally decided to make her that kind of cake. The cake was strawberry flavored and the icing was strawberry/banana. My family came over and gave her presents and we played upset the animal kingdom (a game we used to play when we were kids). It was a lovely evening!

Finding the positive

I have lately realized a few very important things:

One- sometimes your physical needs can be taken care of and you can still feel like you are desperately in need of air

Two- sometimes you have to talk to someone about the negative things in your life pressing the air out of your chest, and it's not complaining it's just breathing

Three- there is such a thing as overwhelming somebody with the problems in your life and that is why you need more than one friend so you can parcel out little bits of your problems to different people who will understand them individually

Four- the time comes to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others. Finding somebody in need and thinking about what you can do for them always helps. Even if it is just praying for others who are having problems as well.

Five- count your blessings and even if only the physical needs in your life are taken care of, think of how amazingly lucky you are!

Life is a series of ups and downs, that's the way it works and the way it's supposed to work. Contrasting the bad times with the good times makes the good times sweeter. I need to find reasons to enjoy the bad times in life. Even when up feels like down and it seems like I don't have the brains, experience or self confidence to navigate life with any grace.

Never good enough!

Does anyone else every find that no matter how hard they try it's never enough. You work all day to clean the house and it's still dirty at the end of the day. You cook an amazing meal and your husband either shows up after it's cold cause he neglected to tell you he was busy that evening, or he eats it and says "It's nice" when you ask him "how is it?" You read to your kids, play with them and just because you have to discipline them they yell "You're not the best mommy in the world!". I try so hard to be nice to everyone I meet and people seem to find me overbearing or a person who just tries too hard (quoting my sister in law).

I love my family but I shared with them why I don't want to have a dozen kids and instead of saying ok I understand you have a hard time they say, you shouldn't be around your kids if you have negative feelings towards them.

I called one of my best friends today by a different name. She took it fine, but I felt like a heel. My daughter refused to put on the expensive hat I bought for her and so I couldn't play with her at the park instead I went running while she pouted in the stroller.

I'm having a very hard time lately and I can't seem to get out of this funk I'm in. I just want to be happy. I have a wonderful husband who supports us financially and doesn't yell at me for anything. I've got two healthy children. I have a house in a nice neighborhood and I have a religion that fills my heart with sunshine and which I truly believe in.

Why can't I shake this bad mood. I just want to be happy, but sometimes it just feels like I care way too much about things other people just don't find worthy enough to think about. I wish I could be like the cool kids, you know the people who don't care what other people think and to heck with anybody who disagrees with them, cause they don't need them anyway.

I'm not that way and maybe that's why over the years several people have found it uncomfortable to be around me because my personality just has too much to it. My mom says my dad is the same, you either love or hate him. The thing is Dad doesn't mind if people don't like him or his personality. He's secure enough with himself that he ignores the fact that people may not like him and treats everyone like they are his best friend anyway.

I guess what I am saying is that I want to be a better person. I think those who close themselves off to caring about what others think stunt their growth, because to a certain degree it means they believe they are above reproach and have nothing to improve. But I think focusing too much on what you do wrong is stunting as well. It just all boils down to the fact that it is never really enough, not for myself or others which means that I need to be more thick skinned and keep plugging along trying to personally improve.

The good book dilemma

Has anyone ever read a book that was enlightening, well written, paced evenly and a good read in general but not like it? I read a book recently it was called "Olive Kitterage". Dan got it for me on his last trip while shopping for presents for us in a airport. I would not recommend this book to my religious friends as you might be offended by the language. I'm kind of immune to horrid language in books since I was an English major in college, but I think I may have learned a new swear word while reading this which is really quite a feat. I have to admit I am more offended by sexual content in books than bad language. Perhaps it's because I've heard fairly dirty language since I was in Kindergarten (some of the kids were a little rough).

The problem I had was not with the language of the book, I think she was trying to illustrate real people and even though in general I am bothered every time I come across a word that I would never say I get to a point where I gloss over the words and don't read them in my head. I think what actually bothers me about this book is the thing that make most books really good. It was a real book. It reflected the world in a very real way. I recognized things about myself in this book. The reason this wasn't a good thing is that the majority of truth that was shared was darkness. I think it wasn't just the darkness, it was the ratio of darkness to light. I am aware that in this world many people are unhappy, and that many if not most marriages are unhappy a large portion of the time. I don't object to being given a closer look at the way many people suffer, the objection I have is when there isn't enough light to give hope.

The absence of hope in any literature is a dark hole that can pull you in very quickly regardless of the amount you have in your life. Moody poetic literature is not bad in my opinion but I think too much of it can be counterproductive. I wish that more people wrote about happy marriages. I'm not naive enough to believe that all marriages don't have some form of unhappiness, but I also think it is naive to believe that there aren't blissfully happy marriages out there. Perhaps truly happy marriages aren't compelling enough to serve as interesting subjects for dissection.

I think that as I have gotten older reading about darkness isn't as abstract as it once felt when I was a young college student. I've seen the darkness and in some cases been overwhelmed by the effect it's had on those I love. The darkness of life is real to me... and I'm not sure at this time in my life that I can bear to invite that into my mind with fiction as well.

The fact that I truly am blissfully happy is it's own balm and does make it easier, or I should say bearable. But even as a child my mother says that I used to cry when I saw my siblings get a shot at the doctors. Even if I am not personally involved in the hurt caused by disturbed individuals or unhappy marriages, I cannot help but stay awake at night hurting for those who live with the pain.

I used to make fun of those women who read fluff, or in other words books that couldn't be considered literature. You know the books I'm talking about, the ones that are fake because they ignore reality too much. I don't mean science fiction. I mean literature that doesn't try and understand the human condition; it tries to cover it up with what I refer to as fluff (people writing about how they wish things were). For years I thought people who read fluff didn't understand what good writing was. Now as I've had more life experience I've found that people who enjoy fluff are really quite smart.

Whether they realize it or not by reading things that have contrived happy endings they are fostering that part of them that esteems happiness. Men are that they might have joy and whether or not everyone is really happy, we should strive for it. Valuing joy, hope and happiness does not make someone an idiot. Those who look for unhappiness are the idiots.

Now I am not saying that I am going to start reading substandard writing all the time. I just think throwing in a little fluff every now and then is actually something worth trying.

Jello easter eggs?

My dad made these for easter dinner. When he was a kid his mom always made jello easter eggs and he is carrying on the tradition. You poke a tiny hole in the top of the egg and somehow get the egg out and then when it's empty and washed you put jello in it. Don't ask me how they did it exactly we just got to be on the recieving end of this cute little easter idea.

Awe, first birthdays!

This is the cake I made for my nephew's birthday. It turned out so cute. I love the licorice sided barn and silo. Thanks Liz for the idea!

A moment to stroke my ego...

So I just want to say that I started this blog because in my heart of hearts, I've always believed I'm a writer. Yes I know there is little proof that I am any good at it, but a girls gotta dream. I started this blog a few years ago because I just wanted to write about what mattered to me and honestly I just wanted to write period. It is something that has brought me peace since I was a little girl.

Today I was looking at the comments (thanks Stacey for noticing this before I did). And a young man (yes I am very shocked that my very girly/stay at home mom posts could ever hold a mans attention) commented on one of my posts and actually wants to use parts of it for an essay he is writing.

It means alot to me that a piece of writing that I did could be of use to someone I don't even know. I'm actually kind of speechless.

Thanks friends and family for visiting my blog enough that it actually could be brought up on a google search. :-)

Once you've reached your weight loss goal...?

So it's official I've lost 20 lbs. I am so psyched for myself and feel awesome about the way I look and the way I feel. The weird thing is, I keep getting a vibe from people that I could stand to lose more.

It started with the person who weighed me in at weight watchers. I told her my goal weight and she asked "really? it's a big range that is healthy for your height." I reassured her that BMI ranges just aren't efficient for my body type. Yes my weight may be higher up on the range but even when I am "over" the BMI range I am very healthy.

When I was five pounds over the healthy BMI range for my weight my doctor told me that I was insanely healthy. I had very, very low cholesterol, very healthy blood sugar levels and my blood pressure honestly is always beyond perfect.

So now that I am ten pounds below what I was when I had that checkup it begs the question. Why do people think you need to have no fat on you to be healthy and look good? Sure I may not look show stopping in a swimsuit, but I do not look bad. I look great in regular clothes and am fitting into sizes that are much smaller than what I wore in high school, when I ran cross country and had the body of a teenager.

My brothers always told me and my sisters that we could stand to lose more weight, at every stage of our lives. Even when my sisters were running competitive track in college and playing college basketball, they did not seem to be as thin as my brothers suggested every woman should be. Granted my brothers both dated several anorexic (no I'm not exaggerating) girls before settling on there respectively naturally thin wives. But does that mean that you have to be super thin to be considered healthy and doesn't it matter more what weight makes you happy.

My husband is very sweet and supportive. He says that if I want to stop losing weight he will support me, but he is quick to suggest that he would love to support me in losing another ten pounds. (I think he's just curious to see what difference another ten pounds would make). After all right now I am thinner than he has ever seen me and I could look even more different if I were to lose another ten pounds.

I'm torn. I'm sick of trying to lose weight and I kind of want to move into the maintenance side of things, but I'm a little curious too. Would I be even happier ten pounds lighter? Or really will no weight seem thin enough to me in this world where even the size two's are airbrushed to be thinner when they are placed on the cover of magazines?

Blue and Gold!

This was the very first time I have made a sheet cake (super easy btw), but I think it turned out awesome.

I'm super proud of the decorating job I did and I think it is the best Blue and Gold cake I've ever seen (not that I've ever seen any others).

Don't you all agree? The kids loved them (I made two). I wasn't going to show a picture of the second one because I misspelled something but here it is.

It's pretty obvious how I messed up, but I thought I'd give you all a good laugh. No one at the B&G noticed but I was still mortified.

Proud to be Canadian!!!

As most of you know, I was born and raised in British Columbia, Canada. I moved with my family to the states when I was thirteen and was "naturalized" and became an American citizen. I am proud of the country that I now call home, but I am so proud this week to be a native of British Columbia.

Canada did amazing in the Olympics. I was torn while watching the last hockey game of the Olympics. I called my parents and siblings and they weren't so torn. They unabashedly rooted for Canada. My mother is/was Canadian and didn't try for US citizenship for awhile. This last fall she did the work though and became an American citizen along with the rest of us.

I think the events of the last week prove, you can take a family out of Canada (you can even change their citizenship) but you can never take Canada out of a family!!!!!

Things I miss since I went on a diet!

Chocolate, every type and kind!

Banana bread and every type of bread that is essentially cake but we still call it bread to assuage our guilt!

Muffins, again essentially they are cake but the title muffin sounds healthier don't you think?

Cookies, especially double chocolate chocolate chip, yummmmmm!

Brownies, especially when they have chocolate chips in them and are topped with icing, sooooooooo good!

Ice cream shakes, especially (can you guess) chocolate with candy broken up in it!

Good hearty bread with butter on it so that when you fold it in half you feel like you are eating the yummiest sandwich every invented!

Carbs, of every kind but especially potatoe salads and casseroles oooh and mashed potatoes!

Gravy, either on biscuits or mashed potatoes (especially the kind my dad makes)!

Chinese food, chicken battered and fried and then cooked in the most unhealthy sodium filled sauce ever created (and lets admit thats not really the way the Chinese eat)!

I miss putting butter on my steamed veggies and dipping raw ones in ranch!

I miss fries and chicken strips from fast food places and casual dining restaurants! (Oh and while we're on the subject I really miss fry sauce)

Pancakes slathered in butter and syrup!

Ok I think this is starting to get counter productive

Bacon and sausages oooh and french toast (wait make that stuffed french toast)!

Cheese, I almost forgot how much I love cheese!

Now that I'm thinking about it, pizza, with a big fat crust and lots of cheese!

My all time most favorite thing to eat that I have given up, wow that has to be:

Late night caramello chocolate bars with my hubby after the kids were asleep!!!!!!!

When you think about it I'm not missing out on that much, right? And my future skinny frame will be worth it, right?

Help me out, cause I'm not that sure after looking at that list!

Schools, schools, schools arghhhh!

My recent discovery is that the debate between Charter and Public schools is not exclusive simply to my neighborhood. (Oh come on it's not that big of a shocker that I think the world revolves around me, after all I'm geographically challenged). So for those in the same boat as me this time of the year is Kindergarten roundup. Remember the good old days when you didn't have a choice where your kids went, that time is long gone. With it's death it ushered in a new era of raving lunatics on both sides of the aisle.

I would label the whole debacle political and pass the buck on to the idiots we elect, but it seems that even they aren't split on the issue down party lines. Instead each politician seems to have a different opinion that doesn't seem to reflect party affiliation. So the issue really is between those who teach at or send their kids to public schools and those who teach at or send their kids to charter schools. And that is the line drawn between sides; mostly women turn this seemingly harmless decision for a parent with a child of kindergarten age into a death knell for you (no matter what you choose).

A friend of mine whose eldest daughter is also kindergarten age told me that she felt like no matter what she chose, she knew she'd be making the wrong decision. I feel the same way. For whatever reason if I don't choose the public school system I am not a civic minded citizen. Conversely if I don't choose the charter school I am not a parent who cares about my child. So my friend and I decided to apply for the charter school, pretty much accepting that both our girls wouldn't get in and we could go the the public school and be happy that we'd tried. So when we both got the email that both of our girls got in we were shocked and a little mystified over what to do.

OK here's the run down. Pro charter school issues for us were a traditional school year (public is year round), smaller class sizes, forced parental involvement and I'll just say it, a school that isn't situated across the street from the Job Corp. The cons to the charter school were that it was farther away and we couldn't walk our kids to school, the teachers aren't required to be certified to teach as opposed to the district schools which are, and there aren't as many programs for gifted students or struggling students.

When I reviewed the issues it came up sixes. Every teacher, parent and random person I talked to said that in all honesty it isn't the school that determines your child's academic success it is your parental involvement. So I felt like I was back at square one. I knew that either place I sent my child to I would be volunteering once a week. It was in all reality a win-win situation, yet why did I feel like I was losing either way. My husband said if it's an even toss, choose whatever you want and you'll be fine. The problem was that I do care what people think of me.

You see when I say charter or public school I get a very emotional response from each person I talk to. The majority are negative and others glowing positivity. I hate getting the feeling like I need to defend my position. It's like breastfeeding, you can't tell a woman that she is making the wrong decision if she quits. You have no idea what she is going through because it is different for every person. I feel like I shouldn't have to defend my decision because either choice is fine and whatever reasons I make that choice should be respected. I'm the parent and some time or other I'm going to have to stand behind the decisions I'm making.

From now on I'm not going to talk about it anymore. I've made my decision and if I change my mind and switch schools next year I'm not going to apologize for my first choice. It's right for me now and that should be enough, right?

Valentines day!

I've seen some cute posts of what people did on valentines day. So I decided to join in on the fun and report how my weekend went. My sweet hubby and I are usually as cheesey as can be on these occasions, but this year we relaxed a little. We traded babysitting with my brother and sister in law and we went out to dinner Friday.

Since I've been trying desperately to lose a few extra pounds (other than the ones I gained over the holidays) we didn't do the candy thing and were laughed at when we ordered from the healthy side of the menu. But I gotta say I loved my salmon and my strawberry/mixed greens salad. After dinner my hubby did the best thing in the world, he listened to my hints and took me shopping for the one thing I've been wanting all winter (long jogging pants), yes it may lack some romance but it was what I needed cause the next morning I ran the Valentines day 5k. My mother and my little sister beat me but I improved my time from the thanksgiving 5k, and that was good enough for me.

The rest of the weekend went well. We got our girls each a tiny box of chocolates and a coloring book. The chocolates were a mistake because our eldest daughter bit into one (milk chocolate truffle I might add) and decided she didn't really want her chocolates. Our youngest dove for the candy right after I opened it and promptly stuffed a whole one in her mouth and after masticating it a bit spit it out on the carpet. She did that with all three chocolates she tried.

All in all it was a successful weekend. Hubby enjoyed his present and on Tuesday got me roses after the fact I think because he felt that exercise pants didn't seem like enough of a present. I love Valentines day because I have three amazing people to love.

Sorry, I know it's not Halloween but I had to post these!

So I know, I know it is so far past halloween that we aren't looking back on it anymore, we're almost looking forward to it again. But that doesn't change the fact that we had alot of fun and I actually took pictures of the fun things we did. Here we are carving a pumpkin.

The girls were Mulan and a pirate. I made the Mulan costume and bought the pirate one a year before during halloween clearance, they were so cute. We made treats to bring to friends that are the cutest little witches ever. My eldest even helped dip the marshmallows in the dyed coconut and helped put on the eyes and nose.

I made my parents have a halloween party and my dad made that cool cream cheese frosted cheese log. If you can't tell it's a mummy. My dad used to be a chef for those who didn't know.

The graveyard cake I made for my little brothers birthday which is right before halloween.

We had a blast last halloween and it is definately one I will always remember, cause of the amazing treats that started off the holiday season for me and the beginning of my six pound weight gain.

Absent, but ok (sort of)

So I'm hoping I'm back. I haven't blogged forever. The holidays were insane and I think I've emerged. I felt like I took on a second job (on top of stay at home mom) the last few months. My sister went back to work and since her husband got winter work snow plowing they have needed a kind relative to help them out. Being that I'm the only relative without a real job that was me.

A couple weeks ago my husband and I woke up to our little eighteen month old throwing up in her crib and my nephew covering in his own throwup as well. I called my sister at the hospital (she's a nurse) and told her that her son needed a parent to take care of him when he's sick. That and the fact that they didn't have insurance and their son was only nine months old at the time made me worry about taking or not taking him to the emergency room myself.

Anyway, I don't want this to be a complain blog. I just wanted to let all of you out in the bloggosphere know why I've been MIA the last few months. It's not for a lack of needing an outlet it's been a lack of time.

Along with taking care of my sister's child I've also been helping a little family where the dad has been out of work for over a year. Their situation got so desperate that they ended up giving up on the American dream and moving back to Guatemala.

Anyway enough about me and my excuses for neglecting the blogging world. I'm going to check everyone's blog and post. I promise I haven't forgotten about any of you and I'm going to make an effort to reconnect.

Thanks,
Tana